[Enginerd A2]

The current chatter about divorce in this forum have sort of had me wondering about my current relationship. For the most part, I'd say it's pretty good. We're going on three years, and have been living together officially for about 8 months. Obviously, there are a few sticking points that are somewhat recurring, for the most part we have the same values and opinions, but our personalities are almost opposite. I'm very easy going and mostly positive, and she's a fiery redhead with a tendency to be hyper-sensitive. I'd say we're good friends, but I feel like there aren't many common activities that we share. To the point: Those of you who had long-term relationships/marriages fail, what were some of the warning signs? Is there a such thing as a "perfect" relationship?

 

[Ridemonkey]

Is there a such thing as a "perfect" relationship?

Yes. Men, dogs, and beer have perfect relationships.

 

[LordOpie]

Successful Relationship is easily summed up as: You two absolutely passionately love the good stuff between you and the bad stuff is tolerable.

If the good doesn't float your boat or the bad really ruins your day, move on.

 

[Enginerd A2]

Good answer, RM. I should probably edit that out. Oh well, ask a stupid question...

 

[Polytics]

Going on 6 years... mostly good but we've worked through some bad.

After about year 2 my gf decided she wanted to try Mountain biking... now she's hooked and honestly that was the best thing for our relationship...

I can spend as much as I want on bikes (as long as some of the $$$ is for her bikes) and anytime we have an "issue" we go for a ride and work it out. Nothing resolves differences better then mud, sweat, roots and rocks.

 

[LordOpie]

Yes. Men, dogs, and beer have perfect relationships.

Ah, The Holy Trinity!

 

[MTB_Rob_NC]

Those of you who had long-term relationships/marriages fail, what were some of the warning signs? Is there a such thing as a "perfect" relationship?

this is the hardest one to spot

Living in complacency. You may not even realize, that as much as you care (or think you do) for that person if you are both going on your lives almost completely seperately and the things you do together are pretty limited to going out to eat, relaxing, sleeping in the same bed and occasionally sex you might be in for trouble down the road.

 

[Enginerd A2]

My girl is not the least bit interested in riding. The main thing we do together that I love is kayaking, but it can be difficult to motivate her to go on any kind of regular basis. I guess I'm significantly more active than her. She does go to school full time and work as a waitress about 20 hrs a week, though.

 

[Enginerd A2]

this is the hardest one to spot

Living in complacency. You may not even realize, that as much as you care (or think you do) for that person if you are both going on your lives almost completely seperately and the things you do together are pretty limited to going out to eat, relaxing, sleeping in the same bed and occasionally sex you might be in for trouble down the road.

I'm afraid this may be the case. Is it a consensus that this is a huge problem?

 

[Snacks]

I have found that it's not so much what you have in common, but your goals in life and personalities. Yes, I like being with someone that is active, but it's not a deal breaker, as long as they have hobbies.

I would rather be with someone that wants to try new things, explore, and is the level headed easy going one, while I can be the irrational hot headed one.

I have found sexual compatibly being a deal breaker more often.

 

[Snacks]

I'm afraid this may be the case. Is it a consensus that this is a huge problem?

Pick and choose your battles.

 

[Enginerd A2]

I have found that it's not so much what you have in common, but your goals in life and personalities. Yes, I like being with someone that is active, but it's not a deal breaker, as long as they have hobbies.

I would rather be with someone that wants to try new things, explore, and is the level headed easy going one, while I can be the irrational hot headed one.

I have found sexual compatibly being a deal breaker more often.

I'd say we have similar goals in life, but I'm more inclined to take action and do spontaneous things. Sometimes it seems like it takes a week of planning to get her to leave the house. I'm hoping this will change when she finishes school, as she is pretty busy.

Edit: our sex life has been pretty slow for a while because she's just never in the mood. I've been chalking this up to her busy schedule, too.

 

[MTB_Rob_NC]

I'm afraid this may be the case. Is it a consensus that this is a huge problem?

I have found that it's not so much what you have in common, but your goals in life and personalities. Yes, I like being with someone that is active, but it's not a deal breaker, as long as they have hobbies.

That can certainly be true. Appreciating (from both sides) the passion that drives you each to do what you like to do is probably more important then enjoying the actual activity.

 

[oly]

Yes. Men, dogs, and beer have perfect relationships.

Dont they have laws against that?

 

[Ciaran]

Pick and choose your battles.

Excellent advice. Also... Be flexible. A relationship takes work. If you don't nurture it, and take care of it then it will fail.

I have been with my GF for nigh on 7 years now. We have had our ups and downs. We almost split up once. The warning signs for us were that I was uncooperative and would not communicate, and found myself making her the object of my frustrations. ("It's all YOUR fault!) We are together today because of some serious counseling on both our parts, some seriousapologies and self realization on my part, and a whole lot of forgiveness and patience on her part.

 

[Snacks]

I'd say we have similar goals in life, but I'm more inclined to take action and do spontaneous things. Sometimes it seems like it takes a week of planning to get her to leave the house. I'm hoping this will change when she finishes school, as she is pretty busy.

I'm the planner in the house. I love planning vacations and new things to do. He is not a planner, hates to plan, and is not spontaneous at all. But that's cool with me. I know what to expect. I just tell him where and when and he's down with it.

In the big picture it's not that big of an issue for me.

 

[binary visions]

I'm hoping this will change when she finishes school, as she is pretty busy.

I've been chalking this up to her busy schedule, too.

Yeah, I did that for 2 years and looking back on it, I was an enormous fool.

Even when my girlfriend and I are both working lots of overtime, we find time for sex and outings. Especially if one of us wants to - it's one thing if you're both busy and you're both tired and you don't want to go have fun. It's another thing if one of you wants to and the other one never does/will.

I'm not saying you should break up with her, or you have a bad relationship, I'm just sharing my own experience. In my experience, a good relationship will find time for things like that. It's so easy to point at this or that and say, "That's the reason we're not (exercising/dancing/talking/screwing) more" - but the fact of the matter is, life is never perfect and there's always something in the way. You make time for what's important, it doesn't just appear.

 

[Enginerd A2]

Excellent advice. Also... Be flexible. A relationship takes work. If you don't nurture it, and take care of it then it will fail.

I have been with my GF for nigh on 7 years now. We have had our ups and downs. We almost split up once. The warning signs for us were that I was uncooperative and would not communicate, and found myself making her the object of my frustrations. ("It's all YOUR fault!) We are together today because of some serious counseling on both our parts, some seriousapologies and self realization on my part, and a whole lot of forgiveness and patience on her part.

In my case, I feel like I'm the forgiving and patient one (she'd probably be to differ), and I'm the one who makes most of the compromises, which I've been doing less off recently.

By the way, I really appreciate all of the advice from my fellow monkeys. I guess I'm still new to the serious relationship game compared to most of you.

 

[Snacks]

Oh, and separate bank accounts! Very important!

 

[Enginerd A2]

Yeah, I did that for 2 years and looking back on it, I was an enormous fool.

Even when my girlfriend and I are both working lots of overtime, we find time for sex and outings. Especially if one of us wants to - it's one thing if you're both busy and you're both tired and you don't want to go have fun. It's another thing if one of you wants to and the other one never does/will.

I'm not saying you should break up with her, or you have a bad relationship, I'm just sharing my own experience. In my experience, a good relationship will find time for things like that. It's so easy to point at this or that and say, "That's the reason we're not (exercising/dancing/talking/screwing) more" - but the fact of the matter is, life is never perfect and there's always something in the way. You make time for what's important, it doesn't just appear.

This pretty much sums up where I'm at. It probably doesn't help that I've been unemployed for the last three months, but I'm always looking for fun and action, and always have been, and she always wants to read and relax. Sometimes she bores the crap out of me.

 

[Velocity Girl]

The inability to communicate effectively can be a warning sign. If every disagreement ends in a verbal battle, or yelling, or both sides about ready to kill one another, then you're probably setting yourself up for much more misery down the road. Sure there's kinks in every relationship, but how you handle them, and how you treat each other during them is key. Having similar hobbies is great, but not all important. My ex was a biker and it still didn't help save the marriage because we would end up disagreeing over something we both loved....when we would ride, where we would ride, what parts would go on my bike, and so on, and so on.

In hind sight I now see the some differences between that relationship and my current....now, when I'm not with my husband it's because I miss his, when I used to miss my ex it was because I just missed company, not necessarily his. This is I think one of the indications of falling into the trap of what's safe and comfortable.

And knowing what the most important values in a partner are helps....I thought some of my ex's other qualities could make up for his lacking sense of humor. I know now that I need to be with someone who loves me for my sense of humor instead of loving me in spite of it.

 

[LordOpie]

Put post-it notes with your name on 'em on all your stuff. She'll get the hint.

 

[llkoolkeg]

I am happy my wife rarely rides. Guys need time to just go and be guys w/o women around. Biking affords me an easy non-offending excuse. I have dated women that shared my interests, and in the end, I always grew tired of their constant presence. Much better to have a wife who is independent and has her own life and friends than a tagalong little sister-type. It also keeps things cool if you're having a disagreement because you'll both be able to vent/discuss it with friends w/o having to worry about divided loyalties and words spoken in confidence finding their way back to your SO w/o proper context.

 

[binary visions]

This pretty much sums up where I'm at. It probably doesn't help that I've been unemployed for the last three months, but I'm always looking for fun and action, and always have been, and she always wants to read and relax. Sometimes she bores the crap out of me.

Well, with such a huge disparity in what you do all day (i.e. she works AND goes to school, and you don't have anything to occupy your day), be cautious. Consider if you're expecting her to entertain you since you lack other amusement, or if you're just having normal expectations of a life outside of the house.

I spent a long time thinking, "Well, she's stressed because she hates her job. That's why we don't have sex or have fun." Then there was a new job, and school, so that turned into, "Well, she's stressed because she's got school and work. That's why." Then, "Well, she's got two jobs." Then it was, "Well, her family is moving away."

You know what, though? It didn't matter what the situation was. We still wouldn't have had sex or any fun. She was just a boring person, and we weren't sexually compatible. Period. It took me a long time to break it off, and the relationship I'm in now has enlightened me to the fact that I don't have to settle for that kind of stuff.

Work hard for relationships. Be flexible. Be open. Try to figure out your differences. But be willing to accept that, for better or worse, even long term relationships can end. Getting stuck just makes things unpleasant for both of you.

 

[Enginerd A2]

The inability to communicate effectively can be a warning sign. If every disagreement ends in a verbal battle, or yelling, or both sides about ready to kill one another, then you're probably setting yourself up for much more misery down the road. Sure there's kinks in every relationship, but how you handle them, and how you treat each other during them is key. Having similar hobbies is great, but not all important. My ex was a biker and it still didn't help save the marriage because we would end up disagreeing over something we both loved....when we would ride, where we would ride, what parts would go on my bike, and so on, and so on.

In hind sight I now see the some differences between that relationship and my current....now, when I'm not with my husband it's because I miss his, when I used to miss my ex it was because I just missed company, not necessarily his. This is I think one of the indications of falling into the trap of what's safe and comfortable.

And knowing what the most important values in a partner are helps....I thought some of my ex's other qualities could make up for his lacking sense of humor. I know now that I need to be with someone who loves me for my sense of humor instead of loving me in spite of it.

I think we communicate fairly well, considering how hyper-sensitive she is. It seems like she moves almost every relationship disagreement into argument territory pretty quickly, and then I have to weather a storm of emotion before she can be reasonable again. It makes me not want to bother bringing anything up, but I still will if it's bothering me enough.

 

[Enginerd A2]

Well, with such a huge disparity in what you do all day (i.e. she works AND goes to school, and you don't have anything to occupy your day), be cautious. Consider if you're expecting her to entertain you since you lack other amusement, or if you're just having normal expectations of a life outside of the house.

I spent a long time thinking, "Well, she's stressed because she hates her job. That's why we don't have sex or have fun." Then there was a new job, and school, so that turned into, "Well, she's stressed because she's got school and work. That's why." Then, "Well, she's got two jobs." Then it was, "Well, her family is moving away."

You know what, though? It didn't matter what the situation was. We still wouldn't have had sex or any fun. She was just a boring person, and we weren't sexually compatible. Period. It took me a long time to break it off, and the relationship I'm in now has enlightened me to the fact that I don't have to settle for that kind of stuff.

Work hard for relationships. Be flexible. Be open. Try to figure out your differences. But be willing to accept that, for better or worse, even long term relationships can end. Getting stuck just makes things unpleasant for both of you.

I think your situation seems to mirror our relationship fairly well, but she hasn't made any changes in the years that I've known her. I'd agree that my current unemployment is a part of the problem, though. I just keep crossing my fingers that when she FINALLY graduates and/or gets a job she doesn't hate, things will be better. I guess I'll have to roll with it until some of these things happen. Hyper-sensitive people just shouldn't be waitstaff, no matter how much they need the money.

 

[SkaredShtles]

<snip> I'd agree that my current unemployment is a part of the problem, though.

Dude - if you're unemployed, you should go on a road trip!

-S.S.-

 

[SkaredShtles]

My wife and I knew it was going to work when we took a 4-month holiday together to Europe (before we got married). We planned for about a year, then quit our jobs and headed over for a nice long walk in the Old Country.

-S.S.-

 

[Enginerd A2]

Dude - if you're unemployed, you should go on a road trip!

-S.S.-

I've gone on a few small ones and I have another one coming. This is actually a problem. She doesn't like it when I skip town without her, whether she can go or not. Gonna let me sleep on your couch?

 

[Enginerd A2]

My wife and I knew it was going to work when we took a 4-month holiday together to Europe (before we got married). We planned for about a year, then quit our jobs and headed over for a nice long walk in the Old Country.

-S.S.-

We've been talking about doing this, too, but we never seem to have either the time or the money. I'm ready to quit any job and just charge everything, but she's requiring we be a little more calculated.

 

[Repack]

Yes. Men, dogs, and beer have perfect relationships.

And fishing.

3+ years for me.

Its a little cliche, but communication is key. After a while, small things become monsters. Spit it out.

 

[Repack]

The inability to communicate effectively can be a warning sign. If every disagreement ends in a verbal battle, or yelling, or both sides about ready to kill one another, then you're probably setting yourself up for much more misery down the road. Sure there's kinks in every relationship, but how you handle them, and how you treat each other during them is key. Having similar hobbies is great, but not all important. My ex was a biker and it still didn't help save the marriage because we would end up disagreeing over something we both loved....when we would ride, where we would ride, what parts would go on my bike, and so on, and so on.

Didn't see this before.


Yeah, exactly that. One thing that works well for K and me is racing. We met b/c I was a mechanic and she was a racer that is somehting that still brings us together. I race too, but not to the extent that she does. I'm an expert DH hack, she's won exp XC, DH, and Super D races. I love taking care of her bikes at races. We are a genuine team. Its nice to be part of someone elses success.
We also give each other space. Being too clingy=> breakup IMO. We are careful to plan around each others schedules (but weren't always and that was bad) but still give each other space.
But communication is still #1. You need to learn how to do it well, but its a must.

 

[SkaredShtles]

We've been talking about doing this, too, but we never seem to have either the time or the money. I'm ready to quit any job and just charge everything, but she's requiring we be a little more calculated.

My wife and I both had good career-type jobs when we did it, so money wasn't an issue, luckily. Finding the time was easy once we committed to quitting our jobs.

I was lucky - my job said I could come back. And my wife found a *better* job when she got back.

We even bought an engagement ring in Antwerp.......

-S.S.-

 

[VA2SLOride]

Holy crap.....after reading all this, it has brought to light exactly what's going on in my current relationship. She's clingly, kind of boring, we don't have much in common (with the exception of eating, partying, sleeping, breathing, etc...) and she has no idea where or what she wants to do with her life. I, on the other hand, have a full-time job which may or may not blossom into a career. I know for a fact that I'm not going to marry her, and since reading this thread I've realized that I am in this realtionship because of complacency (sp). On top of it all, shes a smoker. This past weekend I busted out with "It's either the smokes or me" but I seriously doubt that she'll adhere to it.

sorry to vent......I have just seen the light, that's all........

 

[Brian HCM#1]

I have nothing in common with Julie, but we mesh well together. We have now been together for 11 years, married for 6 in 2 weeks.

 

[TreeSaw]

I think my husband and I have a near perfect relationship. We have some disagreements, but never anything major. We've been married for nearly 7 years (this August) and have been together a total of 10 years. We're both easy-going and enjoy similar activities, but also have the good sense to let each other do our own things when we want to. Maybe we're just lucky

 

[LordOpie]

I have nothing in common with Julie, but we mesh well together.

does Loco know about this?

 

[Brian HCM#1]

does Loco know about this?

His Julie is a wannabe

 

[crono35]

Some people say that you shouldn't stay with a person you can live with, but rather the person you can't live without. Back when I was real naive, I would have bought this... but after being through 4+ years of the same (and first) relationship I'm finally beginning to see the truth behind it. No matter what, things aren't going to go smoothly at times.... and the grass is ALWAYS going to be greener on the other side. Recently things haven't been going so great since I only get to see her once every one or two weeks and it's having an effect on her, but at some point the other person becomes too much of a part of yourself to let go. I'm not saying that every relationship is meant to be- but please do make sure your friend takes everything into consideration before making a decision. Compromise has as much to do with a relationship's survival as love.


btw, at 21 years old i'm still very naive, and I reserve the right to change my view. But it seems to fit well for now.

 

[TreeSaw]

Some people say that you shouldn't stay with a person you can live with, but rather the person you can't live without.

Compromise has as much to do with a relationship's survival as love.

Excellent points And, I got married at the rip-old "not-so-naive" age of 21 and haven't really changed my opinions much sense