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Religious jokes :)

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golgiaparatus

golgiaparatus

Out of my element
Aug 30, 2002
7,340
41
Deep in the Jungles of Oklahoma
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance
he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging
away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun
was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just
right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and
shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an
assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church,
packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course
where no one would recognize him.

Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was
watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God
and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for
what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball,
and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right
in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture
perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said,
"Begging your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish
him."

God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"







A priest wanted to raise money for his church and on being
told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase
one and enter it in the races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse
was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He
figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and
enter it in the races.

To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the
local paper carried this headline: "PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS."

The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it
in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read:
"PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT."

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: "BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S ASS."

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to
get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give it to a nun
in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news,
posted the following headline the next day: "NUN HAS BEST ASS
IN TOWN."

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have
to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten
dollars. The next day, the paper read: "NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10."

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy
back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild. The next day the headlines read: "NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS
IS WILD AND FREE."

The Bishop was buried the next day.
 
Dartman

Dartman

Old Bastard Mike
Feb 26, 2003
3,911
0
Richmond, VA
One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool. "What's wrong with you?" said the priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog." "Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"

"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old choirboy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."

"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?"

"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old choirboy beside him in bed,

"And that Judge is the case for the Defence..."
 
B

blue

boob hater
Jan 24, 2004
10,160
2
california
Mormon joke (as I am from Utah, it's customary):

One Winter during the 1840's, when the Saints were crossing the desert to get to Utah, an elderly man was dying from the cold and from starvation. As the members gathered around to give him comfort during his last moments on earth, he said:

"Will someone please give me a Book of Mormon to kiss before I die?"

Well this was a problem, because they had to used the last one they had to make a fire. So out of desperation, they asked everybody if they had one, but no one could help. One young wilder LDS teen said:

"I have a picture of one tattooed on my bottom."

The old man said: "That is close enough, would you please be kind to a dying man and let me kiss it?"

So out of sympathy, she lifted the back of her dress to let him do it. The old man passionately began kissing the tattoo saying: "Oh thank you Lord for restoring your Church before I died, and bringing the Book of Mormon forth on the face of the Earth."

He then looked at the teen and said:

"Would you do a old man one more favor and turn around, and let me kiss Brigham Young good-bye too?"
 
mack

mack

Turbo Monkey
Feb 26, 2003
3,674
0
Colorado
awesome.

A taxi pulls up to a church and picks up a nun. "Where you headed?" the taxi driver asks. "5th street and Main," the nun replies. Considering the long distance to where the nun wanted to go, the driver asks the nun, "So if your a nun what would it take for a man to have sex with you. The nun thinks about it and says, "He would have to have no kids be single and a Christian." The taxi driver then says, "Well your in luck because I'm all of those things. The nun looks around and gets into the front seat. After they have finished, the taxi driver says gloating, "Haha, I'm married and I have kids and I'm a Jew!" The nun replies, "Well that's okay because my name is Henry and I'm headed to a costume party.

:devil: owned by henry.
 
UiUiUiUi

UiUiUiUi

Turbo Monkey
Feb 2, 2003
1,378
0
Berlin, Germany
golgiaparatus said:
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance
he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging
away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun
was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just
right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and
shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an
assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church,
packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course
where no one would recognize him.

Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was
watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God
and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for
what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball,
and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right
in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture
perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said,
"Begging your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish
him."

God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"
Click to expand...
i heard that one, but with a jewish rabbi...
 
berkshire_rider

berkshire_rider

Growler
Feb 5, 2003
2,552
10
The Blackstone Valley
A new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for some suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. Then the old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on,' and I understand. How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No sh*t?!? What happened next?'" :p
 
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