[JRogers]

So, I'm not really sure what to do about this. Any ideas might be helpful.

Just to give some background, I am in graduate school studying Christian religion, as is my roommate (I moved in in August). He's German, pretty normal guy, very reserved, fairly religious.

In any case, I've been dating this girl for a while and she stayed at our place the other night. We got back from dinner around 10:30 on Saturday and my roommate was asleep (situation normal, as he goes to bed usually between 10-11 about every night of the week). We were pretty quiet the whole time and went to sleep fairly early. I was worried about waking him up when we were talking...but not that worried....I mean I don't feel bad if his 10:30 sleep gets interrupted on a Saturday night every once in a while.

Here was a conversation I had last night:

Roommate: How's it going?
James: Fine. Just deciding what to read next.
R: Hey, about Saturday, do you think you could not, ummm... I'm hoping that was just a one time thing.
J: Yeah, sorry about the noise. I mean, it wasn't that late, was it? I'll try to be a bit quieter. [I was apologetic here, but not too much because I didn't think it was unreasonable to come into one's house at 10:30 on a Saturday night and have a quiet conversation for a while.]
R: Yeah, I didn't mean that. I more meant the whole thing.
J: Excuse me?
R: I didn't really like the whole thing.
J: Well, to be honest, I am not really sure how that has anything to do with you.
R: It made me uncomfortable, another person here in the next room.
J: Yeah, again, I am not seeing how this affects you.
R: All I can say is that level...that...amount of intimacy nearby made me uncomfortable.
J: Okay. But I am still not understanding how what I do has any bearing on you.


Basically, he doesn't like me having a girl stay over here. The reasons are not entirely clear to me (this is not a practical issue, so to speak- the only way he knew she was here was us talking in the living room. He didn't see her at all that night or the next day). He told me it bothered him "that night and most of the next day." WTF?

Part of me wants to keep the peace, as things have been going well with him, and part of me wants me to tell him to f--- off and mind his own damn business. I mean, it seems rather odd to me that he appears to have the expectation that I would just say "Yeah, sure, no problem" about this...but that appears to be the case.

There may be a bit of superficial irony here in that my roommate is in an academic degree program (like me) and my girlfriend is on the ordination track in the ministry program.

I'm not really sure that there's much of a middle ground here. I pretty much told him that I hear him, but I will not do what he asks- that this is his problem, not mine. That as long as I'm not being absurdly loud (girl here or not), then he has little grounds for complaint about what I do.


Thoughts?

 

[BurlyShirley]

Dude, you bagged a nun? Awesome!

Edit: About the roommate, tough spot. I'd tell him to mind his own business personally, but if you desperately need a roommate to make ends meet, maybe try finding a new one and staying at her place til you do.

 

[douglas]

I'd Punch him in the F-ing eye!


His issues shouldn't be your problem.

 

[Da Peach]

Kavorka!

 

[LordOpie]

In another situation, I'd say that's his problem.

But, ya know, Christian studies. Ya gotta expect a lot of people studying that stuff would, well, believe in it?

 

[ire]

R: It made me uncomfortable, another person here in the next room.

LOL. I gotta go with Opie on this one, you are in Christian studies and he may feel he is being party to sinful acts. Just out of curiosity, what do you do with a Masters in Christian Studies? Teaching?

 

[stevew]

But, ya know, Christian studies. Ya gotta expect a lot of people studying that stuff would, well, believe in it?

Do as I say, not as I do kind of thing.....politician material perhaps.

 

[douglas]

LOL. I gotta go with Opie on this one, you are in Christian studies and he may feel he is being party to sinful acts. Just out of curiosity, what do you do with a Masters in Christian Studies? Teaching?

Then the a policy of no guests should have been agreed upon before they moved in.

 

[ire]

Then the a policy of no guests should have been agreed upon before they moved in.

If it was never discussed how can it be agreed upon? This guy might not of suspescted he would end up with a roommate that was having women over at night.

 

[greenchris]

wwjd?

 

[ire]

wwjd?

get with all the women in the ministry program?

<edit> and piitb

 

[stinkyboy]

Have her chip him off a piece.

 

[stevew]

Maybe he was feeling left out.

Share.

 

[TreeSaw]

Not a good situation at all. Did you two ever discuss having guests over? You may want to talk to him about it again and set some ground rules. Obviously you're both adults and should be able to come to some common ground. I fail to see why he was so disturbed, but maybe that's just me.

 

[Brian HCM#1]

IMO, move out and find a new girlfriend.

 

[JRogers]

To fill in the gaps, no this was not ever discussed before specifically. We did talk in passing about random friends staying on the couch, etc., which he has no problem with and has done before (so, it's not that there's an issue with anyone staying here at all).

As far as the Christian aspect, I assume that is at least where some of his problem comes from, but I am not sure in what way. This is a fairly liberal institution we attend that has mostly Christians but also includes Jews, atheists, agnostics, Hindus and all other kinds of people. I made no promises or indications as to my own convictions before moving in (if anything, I claimed to be less religious than I actually am). Furthermore, he made no comments as to his own religious beliefs before I moved in. In short, he had no reason to assume I would behave in a certain way and I had no reason to assume he would want me to.

Also, to assume that the identification as Christian precludes you from having a person spend the night with you is a simplistic view. After all, I would probably fall within that category and have no basic moral issue with it and my girlfriend would certainly fall within that category and has no moral issue with it. Others feel the same way.

 

[MTB_Rob_NC]

We need to see if the chic is hot enough to warrant this discussion

 

[$tinkle]

unless you 2 are accountability partners, or have made a pact to honor some covenant (to include a rental agreement), he needs to shut the heck up. [that's right: i said "heck"]

moreover, he's jealous that you're the only resident who's master of your domain. i think that's the real issue. challenge him on this. put it right to him: ask him if he wrestles with masturbation and if your having company causes him to struggle. you know, just like how Paul didn't eat meat in front of vegans.

permissible vs. beneficial.

 

[BurlyShirley]

"I've done alot of f***ed up sh*t in my day, but I've never "fornicated" anyone."

 

[binary visions]

He needs to get over it, if only because he didn't make it clear when you guys moved in that this kind of thing was unacceptable - and that was completely his responsibility to do. If you've got a big problem with a fairly common occurance - religious institution or not - you need to make it clear before you move in.

Does this girl dress up in little nun costumes for you or would that be a little too sinful?

 

[LordOpie]

Are you going to be a minister or some kind of authority figure that helps people?

This might be a good opportunity for you to start working on such problem solving skills. Maybe get your mentor or dean of students involved to the extent of a psuedo school project?


Or poop in his closet.

 

[skinny mike]

do it in his room and make sure you're still in the act when he walks in. that should scare him off.

 

[MTB_Rob_NC]

do it in his room and make sure you're still in the act when he walks in. that should scare him off.

WINNER!

 

[LordOpie]

Swap roommates with Red Rabbit.

 

[binary visions]

...or invite Konabumm over for a week. By the time he gets done humping everything that looks even remotely female, your roommate will be so traumatized that he'll probably give up religious studies entirely.

 

[douglas]

If it was never discussed how can it be agreed upon? This guy might not of suspescted he would end up with a roommate that was having women over at night.

If something bothered me as much as this bothers him, I would have definitely discussed it beforehand

 

[Greyhound]

I'm finding it hard to remember just who has the vagina in this story.....

 

[urbaindk]

So am I wrong in guessing that JR's roommate is gay, has a crush on JR, and is jealous that a women spent the night?

 

[GuettoBlaster]

yeah you right...that just jeloussy...he haven't got any for a while...sounds like!

 

[BurlyShirley]

Yeah, just get him a gift basket with a bottle of lotion and a playgirl in it and tell him STFU.

 

[$tinkle]

So am I wrong in guessing that JR's roommate is gay, has a crush on JR, and is jealous that a women spent the night?

to see how true this is, just ask any straight person who's had an other-sexed roommate w/ a similar situation where it was met with protest.

actually, this might be worse than that:

Jessie is a friend, yeah
I know he's been a good friend of mine
But lately something's changed
That ain't hard to define
Jessie's got himself a girl
And I want to make her mine

And she's watching him with those eyes
And she's lovin' him with that body
I just know it
Yeah 'n' he's holding her in his arms
Late, late at night

I'll play along with the charade
there doesn't seem to be a reason to change
You know, I feel so dirty
When they start talking cute
I wanna tell her that I love her
But the point is probably moot​

 

[CKxx]

Wait, so you were or were not getting your freak on?

"R: All I can say is that level...that...amount of intimacy nearby made me uncomfortable."

Judging by the rest of the thread I am inclined to believe that you were not, but is it possible he thinks you were? Otherwise I can't see how that comment I quoted would make sense.

 

[BadDNA]

Make sure next time he comes home you and your girl are snuggled up close on the couch with a steamy porno on the tube.

 

[valve bouncer]

F*cken Germans, just tell him to remember '45. We've bitchslapped his lot twice already and we won't hesitate to do it again. These Teutonic types only understand a firm hand

 

[binary visions]

Make sure next time he comes home you and your girl are snuggled up close on the couch with a steamy porno on the tube.

Preferably gay/lesbian porn to really make the situation uncomfortable.

 

[BadDNA]

Preferably gay/lesbian porn to really make the situation uncomfortable.

Good call, if you can swing it, maybe a female friend of hers can join in too.

 

[robdamanii]

If he's German, ask him why his people's obsession with scheizer porn is ok, but a girl sleeping over your place is not?

 

[Transcend]

He's German. He needs rubber gasmask porn.

 

[sunny]

So, I'm not really sure what to do about this. Any ideas might be helpful.

Just to give some background, I am in graduate school studying Christian religion, as is my roommate (I moved in in August)....

-girl slept over
-roommate took issue with it politely
-JR caught off-guard by this, doesn't know how to respond

Thoughts?

This actually has much less to do with sex and much more to do with sensitivity to your roommate. Your religion (if you are not a graduate student of Christian religion as an academic exercise) tells you two basic things:
1. Have no gods before Me.
2. Love your neighbor as yourself.

Over and over in the New Testament, and especially the Epistles, examples are given of modifying your behavior if it offends your brother. It doesn't really matter if you are right, or are not doing anything that God would call "missing the mark"... if you are causing your brother sorrow or confusion, you're doing it wrong.

No, it's not easy to have to change what you are doing to accommodate someone who has different sensitivities than you. But it's a good exercise. If you have great difficulty doing this, then you need to ask yourself why it's so important to die on that hill.

Those are my thoughts.

 

[douglas]

I'm offended that jrogers cant shag a chcik in his own place/room if he wants to, so it sounds like his roommate should modify his behavior so I wont be offended !