For those of us who have "endured" Meals-Ready To
> Eat (MRE's) and for
> anyone who has ever heard of them and wondered what
> they were like, this
> is a
> classic:
>
> ARMY RANGER DATE
>
> I had a date the other night at my place. On the
> phone the day before,
> the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never
> had before" for
> dinner.
>
> After many minutes of scratching my head over what
> to make, I finally
> settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.
>
>
> I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal,
> Ready-to-Eat. Field rations
> that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+
> calories. Here's what I
> made:
>
> I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic
> packets, took out
> three of the Pork Chops, three packets of
> Chicken-a-la-King, and eight
> packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some
> dehydrated/rehydrated
> rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one
> pan, sautéed in
> shaved garlic and olive oil.
>
> In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king,
> noodles, and rice
> together to make a sort of mush that looked
> suspiciously like succotash.
> I added some spices, and blended everything together
> in a glass pan that
> I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at
> 450 degrees.
>
> When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham
> slices, pork chops, and a
> bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat
> in the MRE cheese
> (kinda like
> Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from
> one of my spice
> cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it,
> it looks fancy
> right?)
>
> For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em
> up, added five
> packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and
> some water. I heated
> it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of
> chunky gelatinous
> organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of
> it.
>
> Voila--Ranger Pudding.
>
> For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle
> of Military Special
> Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named
> "Military Special"--it
> sells for $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets
> of "Electrolytes -
> 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says
> that). It looked
> like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was
> the electrolytes I
> guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).
>
> I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the
> middle, and set the
> table with my best set of Ralph Lauren
> Academy-series China (that ****
> is ****ing EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings
> cost me over $600),
> and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine
> decanter.
>
> She came over, and I had some appetizers already
> made, of MRE
> spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw
> the dinner, saw the
> food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"
>
> We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout
> the meal, she kept
> asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept
> remarking that I
> obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine
> meals. She kind of
> balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but
> after she tried it I
> guess she liked it because she drank four glasses
> during dinner.
>
> At the end of the main course, when I served the
> dessert, she squealed
> with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made.
> Huh? Chocolate what?
> Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS
> to make... yup.
>
> Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused
> herself to use my
> restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say
> softly to herself "uh
> oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her
> utterance of dismay.
>
>
> Let the games begin.
>
> She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air
> Freshener, 1 each,
> Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes smellgood)
> and returned to the
> couch, this time with an obvious pained look.
>
> After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and
> retreated to the
> bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say
> "What the hell is
> WRONG with me???," as she again send flatulent
> shockwaves into the
> porcelain bowl.
>
> This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the
> toilet paper roll
> being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.
>
> Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides
> to sit on the chair
> instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees
> pulled up to her
> chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly.
> Suddenly, without a
> word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom,
> slammed the door, and
> didn't come out for 30 minutes.
>
> I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to
> hear me laughing so
> hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.
>
> She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her
> face, and said "I am
> SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me.
> I am so
> embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your
> bathroom!!" I gave
> her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and
> relaxed.
>
> Later on, she asked me again what I had made for
> dinner, because she had
> enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the
> kitchen and showed her
> all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.
>
> After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly
> 9,000 calories of
> "Army food" she turned stark white, looked at me
> incredulously, and said
> "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was
> made 3 years ago?"
> After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys,
> and took off without a
> word.
>
> She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't **** for
> 3 days, and when
> she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate
> could smell it from
> down the hall. She also told me she had been working
> out nonstop to
> combat the high caloric intake, and that she never
> wanted me to cook
> dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY
> there to inspect the
> food beforehand.
>
> It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually,
> and said that that
> was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's
> house on a date. She'd
> been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom
> while I had been in
> tears on the couch.
>
> I know, I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny
> night.
>
> Eat (MRE's) and for
> anyone who has ever heard of them and wondered what
> they were like, this
> is a
> classic:
>
> ARMY RANGER DATE
>
> I had a date the other night at my place. On the
> phone the day before,
> the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never
> had before" for
> dinner.
>
> After many minutes of scratching my head over what
> to make, I finally
> settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.
>
>
> I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal,
> Ready-to-Eat. Field rations
> that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+
> calories. Here's what I
> made:
>
> I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic
> packets, took out
> three of the Pork Chops, three packets of
> Chicken-a-la-King, and eight
> packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some
> dehydrated/rehydrated
> rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one
> pan, sautéed in
> shaved garlic and olive oil.
>
> In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king,
> noodles, and rice
> together to make a sort of mush that looked
> suspiciously like succotash.
> I added some spices, and blended everything together
> in a glass pan that
> I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at
> 450 degrees.
>
> When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham
> slices, pork chops, and a
> bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat
> in the MRE cheese
> (kinda like
> Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from
> one of my spice
> cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it,
> it looks fancy
> right?)
>
> For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em
> up, added five
> packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and
> some water. I heated
> it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of
> chunky gelatinous
> organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of
> it.
>
> Voila--Ranger Pudding.
>
> For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle
> of Military Special
> Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named
> "Military Special"--it
> sells for $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets
> of "Electrolytes -
> 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says
> that). It looked
> like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was
> the electrolytes I
> guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).
>
> I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the
> middle, and set the
> table with my best set of Ralph Lauren
> Academy-series China (that ****
> is ****ing EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings
> cost me over $600),
> and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine
> decanter.
>
> She came over, and I had some appetizers already
> made, of MRE
> spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw
> the dinner, saw the
> food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"
>
> We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout
> the meal, she kept
> asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept
> remarking that I
> obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine
> meals. She kind of
> balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but
> after she tried it I
> guess she liked it because she drank four glasses
> during dinner.
>
> At the end of the main course, when I served the
> dessert, she squealed
> with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made.
> Huh? Chocolate what?
> Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS
> to make... yup.
>
> Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused
> herself to use my
> restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say
> softly to herself "uh
> oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her
> utterance of dismay.
>
>
> Let the games begin.
>
> She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air
> Freshener, 1 each,
> Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes smellgood)
> and returned to the
> couch, this time with an obvious pained look.
>
> After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and
> retreated to the
> bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say
> "What the hell is
> WRONG with me???," as she again send flatulent
> shockwaves into the
> porcelain bowl.
>
> This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the
> toilet paper roll
> being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.
>
> Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides
> to sit on the chair
> instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees
> pulled up to her
> chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly.
> Suddenly, without a
> word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom,
> slammed the door, and
> didn't come out for 30 minutes.
>
> I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to
> hear me laughing so
> hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.
>
> She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her
> face, and said "I am
> SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me.
> I am so
> embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your
> bathroom!!" I gave
> her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and
> relaxed.
>
> Later on, she asked me again what I had made for
> dinner, because she had
> enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the
> kitchen and showed her
> all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.
>
> After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly
> 9,000 calories of
> "Army food" she turned stark white, looked at me
> incredulously, and said
> "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was
> made 3 years ago?"
> After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys,
> and took off without a
> word.
>
> She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't **** for
> 3 days, and when
> she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate
> could smell it from
> down the hall. She also told me she had been working
> out nonstop to
> combat the high caloric intake, and that she never
> wanted me to cook
> dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY
> there to inspect the
> food beforehand.
>
> It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually,
> and said that that
> was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's
> house on a date. She'd
> been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom
> while I had been in
> tears on the couch.
>
> I know, I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny
> night.
>
