[binary visions]

Funny, corny, tasteless, rude... Post your jokes.

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator and gets everyone's attention. He says, "I'm going to open this alligator's mouth and put my genitals inside. The alligator will close his mouth for 60 seconds, after which time he will open his jaws and I will remove my package untouched. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd all agrees to this spectacle.

The guy pulls off his pants and puts his privates in the alligator's mouth. The gator closes mouth and after a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and whacks the gator over the head. The gator opens wide, and low and behold, he is unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says, "I'll pay $100 to anyone who is willing to give it a try." Silence descends over the bar, and after a minute a woman raises her hand at the back of the bar. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

 

[gonefirefightin]

what do you call a blonde with two brain cells?





pregnant....

 

[gonefirefightin]

what did the redneck do with his first 50 cent piece?





he married her....

 

[airwalkrob]

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me--a faithful wife, the mother of your children!
I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And the husband began, "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair"
The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

 

[gonefirefightin]

This ones for you BV


Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

 

[gonefirefightin]

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

 

[Mr Tiles]

O.J. and the devil

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a few folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ. The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said . ."OK, Monica, you're free to go."

 

[Mr Tiles]

world's shortest joke:

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."

 

[Heidi]

Short one. hahahaha pun intended:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for
the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket
not your stub."

 

[Mr Tiles]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy
session with four young mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the
first mother, Mary, he
said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even
named your daughter Candy."



He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your
obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself

in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession
is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name,

Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up,
takes her little boy by the hand and whispers.

"Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

 

[Mr Tiles]

Power of Attorney for Medical ...


Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and living on fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer.

She's such a bitch...

 

[gonefirefightin]

The ambitious coach of a girls’ track team starts giving his squad steroids. Their performance soars, and they go on to win the county and state championships. The day before the nationals, Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler, comes into his office.

“Coach,” she says, “I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest.“

“Oh my God!” yells the coach. “Well, how far down does it go?”

“Down to my balls,” she replies, “and that’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about…"

 

[Mr Tiles]

First-year students at Tennessee's Vet School were receiving their
first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Vet Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now--learn to pay attention."

 

[Polandspring88]

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and
shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.


He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The
butcher takes the note, and it reads, 'Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of
lamb, please.'

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth there is a ten
dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in
a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to
close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts
down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits
patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. It does, and he walks
across the road, with the butcher following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The
butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on
one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the
right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him
onto the bus

The bus travels through town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog
gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs,
pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in
his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the
path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the
path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He
goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!-
against the door again!

There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps
up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets
to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back,
jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big
guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. 'What on earth are you doing? This
dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for goodness sake!'

To which the guy responds, 'Genius, my foot. This is the second time this
week he's forgotten his key!'

 

[robdamanii]

Howabout slightly racist?

 

[Potroast88]

How tasteless?

 

[binary visions]

Kids, I invited in the tasteless jokes right in the first line of the thread.

If they get too bad, they can be deleted and no great loss, right?

 

[Polandspring88]

Two farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you're likely a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for

Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."

 

[Jim Mac]

One of my Dad's religious jokes:

A priest is called into the hospital to give last rites to a dying man. When the priest enters the room, he sees the man lying there with tubes entering and exiting every orifice.

Saddened, the priest approaches and begins the rites. The man suddenly grabs a piece of paper, scribbles down a frantic note and shoves the note into the priests hand. At that very moment, the man instantly dies. The priest quickly shoves the note into his pocket and finishes the last rites.

A few days later at the funeral, the priest remembers the note. He reached down into his pocket and there it was! The last wish of a dying man? perhaps. The priest uncrumpled it and read it...

...and it said, "You're standing on my oxygen line, GET OFF!"

 

[Polandspring88]

One night , after they had retired for the night, Sue became aware that her husband Bob was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time Sue was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. Bob stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

" Why are you stopping, darling?" Sue cooed

He whispered back, "Because I found the remote!"

 

[BigMike]

Jews.

 

[robdamanii]

A black man with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. The bartender is impressed and asks the man "Wow, that's pretty nice. Where did you get him?" The parrot quickly answers "I found him in Africa. They're everywhere down there."

 

[gonefirefightin]

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, “I can’t come in today, I’m sick.” He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, “I can’t come in today, I’m sick.”

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, “He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.”

So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, “You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?”

The guy replies, “No I don’t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure she’s alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know I’m ****ing her.”

The boss says, “You **** your sister?”

The guy replies, “Hey, I told you I was sick.”

 

[gonefirefightin]

A 92-year-old man moved into a retirement home where he immediately met a 90 year old woman. They hit it off right away.

After a few weeks of spending time together, the man said, “You know, we’re past our sexual years, so I wonder if it would be okay for you to just hold my penis in your hand.”

The woman seemed surprised, but said, “Well, I guess it wouldn’t do any harm to just hold it.” So, for the next few weeks, they could always be found on a park bench near a lake, the lady holding the man’s penis in her hand.

One day the old man didn’t show up. Beginning to worry, the lady set out in search of him. A few blocks away, sitting on another park bench was the old man…with another woman.

The first old lady approached the couple and saw the other woman holding the man’s penis in her hand. She became very upset and yelled to the man, “I thought we had something special. Now, I find you with another woman, and she’s holding your penis in her hand. What does she have that I don’t have???”

The old man looked up, smiled, and said…“Parkinson’s.”

 

[Potroast88]

Q:
What's the difference between a homosexual and a refrigerator?

A:
A refrigerator doesn't fart when you take your meat out.




Enjoy it while it lasts.

 

[brungeman]

One night , after they had retired for the night, Sue became aware that her husband Bob was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time Sue was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. Bob stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

" Why are you stopping, darling?" Sue cooed

He whispered back, "Because I found the remote!"

I was reading it and thought it said LIPS! BWAHAHaaa funnier than the actual joke!

 

[X3pilot]

Son of a Bitch Fish

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen"

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister
Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary,
"Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner"

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!

Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.

The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.

The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

A big smile crept across his face as he said,

"You fvckers are my kind of people!"

 

[Quo Fan]

Why did Barbie's belly button hurt?


Ken is blond too.

 

[Mr Tiles]

The wedding night.........


A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be
told, he is
a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding
night, she
cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the
darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My
darring,"
he whispers, "I know dis your firss time and you berry
frighten. I pomise
you, I give you anyting you want , I do anyting - juss anyting
you want.
You juss ask... so... whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound
experienced
and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and
eagerly) for her
request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I
have heard
about from other girls... Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a
puzzled tone
he asks her...

"You want.... Garlic Chicken with steam vegtable? "

 

[Nick]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

I don't know, he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

 

[Brian HCM#1]

This Koala is feeling a little horny so he leaves the zoo in search of some sex. He walking down the street and see this pretty woman on the corner. He says.........I'm feeling horny, would you like to go have sex? The woman replies sure, lets go to this motel. They end up having sex for 3 hours straight, when the koala was done he thanks the woman for the wonderful time and started to walk towards the door. The woman yells out WAIT!!!!! You owe me some money for tonight!!!! The koala looks at her in confusion, she replies I'm a prostitute, the Koala says prostitute, what's that? She gets a dictionary out and goes to the definition of a prostitute. Prostitute: A woman who silicates her body for money. Oh replies the Koala, however I'm a koala as he walks towards the door, the prostitute replies so what does that mean? He says look at the definition in the dictionary, and she does. Koala: Eats bush & leaves

 

[Nick]

at the risk of being removed ....

Q: how do you know when a Chinese woman moves into the neighborhood?




A: the Mexican guy up the street finally gets auto insurance.


disclaimer: I heard that from an Asian friend while eating mexican food.

 

[rky mtn srfr]

Man who goes to sleep with itchy butt wakes up with stinky finger.

 

[rky mtn srfr]

A veteran is looking for a job and finds an opening at the local hardware store. During the interview the boss asks him about his veteran status, to which the man answers he was in the war and had his balls blown off. A bit surprised, the boss likes the man, hires him, and tells him to come in at 10am the next day. The veteran has a puzzled look and asks the boss, "I see the store opens at 8am any reason why you don't want me to come in then"? To which the boss frowns and says, "well this is a small town, so we usually just sit around and scratch our balls for the first couple hours".

 

[SilentJ]

A genius walks into a bar.
Bartender says: "what's up N8?"

 

[Quo Fan]

How many blond jokes are there?











1. The rest are true stories.

 

[brungeman]

A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex.'
'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively. 'Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.' He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,' Why are there 3 in this package?'

The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.' 'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'
'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'


'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.......

 

[mtnbiker7]

How do you make a retart go krazy give him 3 gallons of water to drink, put him in a circular room and tell him he can only pee in a corner.

 

[Spero]

How do you make a retart go krazy

 

[Toshi]

Q: How do you fit 10 dead babies into a shoebox?

A: With a blender, of course.





......





Q: So how do you get those 10 dead babies out of the shoebox?

A: Tortilla chips.





mmmmmmmm