ahhhh, classic. 
You just never get tired of dead baby jokes.
You just never get tired of dead baby jokes.
Tell us your jokes!
- Thread starter binary visions
- Start date
Damned smart people and their mind games.
I read that as mormon, and thought... "When he gets his promise band off?"
Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, ''Mommy, I have to piss.''
The mother said, ''Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.
The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.
He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.''
The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''
-----------------
Another funny not so much a joke thing I heard the other day from my girlfriend.
She was reading some 'popular' magazine who apparently had the band Maroon 5 on the previous months cover. My girlfriend was reading the reader letters and one of them said "The other day when I pulled the magazine out of my mailbox, I thought it was a construction magazine because of all the tools on the cover."
I thought that was pretty funny.
The mother said, ''Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.
The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.
He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.''
The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''
-----------------
Another funny not so much a joke thing I heard the other day from my girlfriend.
She was reading some 'popular' magazine who apparently had the band Maroon 5 on the previous months cover. My girlfriend was reading the reader letters and one of them said "The other day when I pulled the magazine out of my mailbox, I thought it was a construction magazine because of all the tools on the cover."
I thought that was pretty funny.
why can't Helen Keller drive???
She's a woman!
She's a woman!
ok so an Irishman walks out of a bar....
hey it could happen!
hey it could happen!
whats 2 feet tall, shinny and goes clink??
a baby with forks in its eyes running into a wall.
a baby with forks in its eyes running into a wall.
whats the worst part about blending a baby??
cleaning it up.
cleaning it up.
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains
without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last
breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency )ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
'Well, cowboy,' says the genie... 'You know how I work....You have
three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust
a FEMA genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks
like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie
is right.
'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what 's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says...
'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need
me.'
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string
attached.
without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last
breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency )ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
'Well, cowboy,' says the genie... 'You know how I work....You have
three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust
a FEMA genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks
like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie
is right.
'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what 's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says...
'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need
me.'
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string
attached.
Whats the worst part about being a black jew?
Having to sit in the back of the oven.
Having to sit in the back of the oven.
A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something."A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra . . . I'm still not hungry." Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
I love jokes and will add many
The two finalists were a Yale graduate and a redneck. The final contest was for them to make a poem in 2 minutes containing a word that would be given to them by the judges. The word was "TIMBUKTU".
The Yale graduate was the first to give his poem:
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.
The audience went wild. They thought the redneck would never stand a chance against him-a YALE graduate.
Nevertheless, the redneck stood up and gave his poem:
Me and Tim a hunting went,
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
The redneck won hands down.
The two finalists were a Yale graduate and a redneck. The final contest was for them to make a poem in 2 minutes containing a word that would be given to them by the judges. The word was "TIMBUKTU".
The Yale graduate was the first to give his poem:
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.
The audience went wild. They thought the redneck would never stand a chance against him-a YALE graduate.
Nevertheless, the redneck stood up and gave his poem:
Me and Tim a hunting went,
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
The redneck won hands down.
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone.
Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt.
The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches forward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.
Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right, that 'hind-lick' maneuver works like a charm."
Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt.
The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches forward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.
Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right, that 'hind-lick' maneuver works like a charm."
Who here loves Little Johnny Jokes???
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None.", replied Johnny,"cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married? "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you're thinking!"
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None.", replied Johnny,"cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married? "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you're thinking!"
So this teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious," and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" she says. Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that c*nt ages to finish that fence."
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,
> Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.'
> His wife is lying in bed and replies, 'I think you'll find that that's a sheep, you idiot'.
> The man says, 'I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you.
> Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.'
> His wife is lying in bed and replies, 'I think you'll find that that's a sheep, you idiot'.
> The man says, 'I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you.
As Angie walked through the the parking lot she continued to beat and call her kids little fvcking bastards. She picked the two boys up and threw them into the shopping cart. Dale the Walmart greeter was alarmed when he saw the lady smack the smaller boy upside his head with her purse. He continued to watch as they approached the doors, and was alarmed to hear the lady say if you dont shut the fvck up, Ill put this cigarette out on your face
Dale thinking as quickly as a Walmart greeter could walks over and hands the two boys stickers
the lady says, thanks but what the fvck are those for?
well mam, I thought your twins would enjoy them, seeing how they are crying so hard.
The lady replies what the fvck are you talking about, they aint twins ones seven the other ones ten what the fvck would make you thing they is twins?
Well mam I didnt think they looked like twins I was just amazed that you could find someone to fvck you twice!
Dale thinking as quickly as a Walmart greeter could walks over and hands the two boys stickers
the lady says, thanks but what the fvck are those for?
well mam, I thought your twins would enjoy them, seeing how they are crying so hard.
The lady replies what the fvck are you talking about, they aint twins ones seven the other ones ten what the fvck would make you thing they is twins?
Well mam I didnt think they looked like twins I was just amazed that you could find someone to fvck you twice!
One day, the 4th grade teacher says, "Class, today I'm going to give you a little history pop quiz. I'll give a lollipop to everyone who gets an answer correct."
She asks her first question. "Can anyone tell me who is the father of America?"
Nobody raises their hand but a little Japanese boy up front.
"Yes, Yoshi?"
"Fadder a America, George Washington."
"Good, good answer, Yoshi. Here's a lollipop," the teacher responds. "Next question - Who assassinated Abraham Lincoln?"
Again, nobody raises their hand but Yoshi.
"Ah, John Wilkes Boof, he assassinate."
The teacher says, "correct, Yoshi. Here's another lollipop. You know class, it's a little disturbing that this is American history and the only person who knows the answers is a foreign."
From the back, little Johnny yells, "F*** the Jap!"
"Who said that?!" the teacher demands.
"Douglass MacArthur, 1945. Gimme a f***in lollipop!"
I got talked into going the "Trail of Terror," a Red Cross volenteer event. It was basically a 45 minute walk and crawl through tunnels and a big maze with people dressed up attempting to scare you. At one point we walked up to a shack. A creepy man came out and starts talking...
"...We're the Billy's, my name is Hill. Now we come from the south, West Virginia to be exact and we really enjoy holloween, because its a great time of year to pump-kin."
"...We're the Billy's, my name is Hill. Now we come from the south, West Virginia to be exact and we really enjoy holloween, because its a great time of year to pump-kin."
For the national blonde convention the blondes hire a presenter to show the world blondes are not a dumb as previously thought. The presentation starts and the presenter chooses a volunteer from the audience.
Presenter: OK, miss what is 324 times 54...?
Blonde: uh.....27?!?
Presenter: No, I'm sorry that isn't correct.
Blonde Audience: GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!
Presenter: OK, What is 12 times twelve?
Blonde: 25???
Presenter: No I'm sorry that is not correct...
Blonde Audience: GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!!
Presenter: OK.. What is two times two..
Blonde: Four??
Blonde Audience: GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE......
Presenter: OK, miss what is 324 times 54...?
Blonde: uh.....27?!?
Presenter: No, I'm sorry that isn't correct.
Blonde Audience: GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!
Presenter: OK, What is 12 times twelve?
Blonde: 25???
Presenter: No I'm sorry that is not correct...
Blonde Audience: GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!!
Presenter: OK.. What is two times two..
Blonde: Four??
Blonde Audience: GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE......
what does a baby in a microwave look like?
I don't know I was too busy whacking off.
I don't know I was too busy whacking off.
Q: What's red, sits in the front of mirror, and gets smaller and smaller?
A: A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler.
Q: So what's red and white and screams?
A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
also, did you know that it takes five babies to make just one bottle of baby oil?
(ok, no more dead baby jokes from me
)
A: A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler.
Q: So what's red and white and screams?
A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
also, did you know that it takes five babies to make just one bottle of baby oil?
(ok, no more dead baby jokes from me
)
You should be N8 for this. Horrible.
I agree. There's no apostrophe in yall.
I can't believe you're from Arakansas.
...said the redneck.
Maxine took her car to her mechanic. She told him "Every time I take
any of my friends out in my car, after a while there is this terrible
smell !!
It never happens when I am on my own".
This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK, lets go for a spin
and see what the problem is".
Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction
at 60 MPH , swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street,
narrowly missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several
red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty.
They returned to the shop and she said, There it is now; there's that
terrible smell. Can you smell it?"
"Smell it? Lady, I'm sitting in it".
any of my friends out in my car, after a while there is this terrible
smell !!
It never happens when I am on my own".
This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK, lets go for a spin
and see what the problem is".
Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction
at 60 MPH , swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street,
narrowly missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several
red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty.
They returned to the shop and she said, There it is now; there's that
terrible smell. Can you smell it?"
"Smell it? Lady, I'm sitting in it".
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.
Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
What has seven arms and sucks ass?
Def Leppard.
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was The Wall.
Def Leppard.
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was The Wall.
actually, its 9 arms.
You're right. I need to go back to remedial counting.
lol...now that's going to piss some people off...D