[golgiaparatus]

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As
he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what
are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come
into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some
embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said
there is something wrong with your ear or something and then
discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

 

[Broken_Spoke]

HAHAHAHHAHA I just choked on my water. Thats great man.

 

[golgiaparatus]

Okay, since no one is adding anything funny... I'll continue on my own.

Three Labrador retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one
black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery
when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to
the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything--
the sofa the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw
was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why
are you here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig
up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm
inside I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last
night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected yellow lab
said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why
are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump the cat, a
pillow, the table, postboxes, what ever. I want to hump
everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the
shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just
couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping
away."

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

 

[DamienC]

Just read on Craigslist DC...

A golfer in Ireland hit a bad hook into the woods. Looking for the ball, he discovered a Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer took his water bottle from his belt and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! Wha happen?" the leprechaun says. "Oh, I see. Waal, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes. Whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm glad you're okay, and I apologize. I didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him.! I'll give him three things I would want --- a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in jokes like this) and the golfer is back, hits another bad ball into the woods and finds the leprechaun waiting for him. "'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says.

"I wanted to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

“That's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm a famous international golfer now," the golfer answers. "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thakee. I did that fer yer golf game. And tell me, how's yer money?"

"Why, I win fortunes in golf. But if I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills all day long."

"! I did that fer ye. And how's yer sex life?"

"The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "Errr, all right, I suppose."

"C'mon, c'mon now. I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?" Blushing even more, the golfer whispers, "Once -sometimes twice a week."

"What!" says the leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

 

[PsychO!1]

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one
of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good
explanation.

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up
and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

 

[Smelly]

A texas border cop catches a mexican trying to sneak across the border. not feeling like arresting anybody, he decides he'll give the mexican an english test. if he passes, he can come into the country. if not, he'll get sent back to mexico.

"alright, i'm gonna give you three words, and you gotta make a sentence with 'em" the border cop tells the mexican. he racks his brain trying to think of three words that would be impossible to put together in a sentence. after a minute of thinking he says, "alright, here's your words. green, pink, and yellow."

the mexican guy thinks for a couple minutes and says (mexican accent on) "green, green, i pink up da phone and say 'yellow!'"

 

[ZEDMAN]

70 year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a
good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, (poof) the light goes on, when I am done (poof) the light goes off."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Ethyl," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he is great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through (poof) the light goes off?"
Ethyl exclaimed, "Oh my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again."

 

[mack]

A irish man walks out of a bar.

 

[arboc!]

hahahahaha

 

[HippieKai]

A irish man walks out of a bar.

damn that was mine!!

 

[Cash-Money]

a man walks into a bar.



































ouch

 

[HippieKai]

Cash-Money tells a bad joke.



















SMACK

 

[krazydher1]

If you have set yourself on fire, do not run

If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.

If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder

If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.

Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!

The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand.

Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the **** away.

Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.

Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.

If a door is closed, karate chop it open.

If your building collapses, give yourself a blowjob while waiting to be rescued.

Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile

After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.

If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that ****.

-- If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.

If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.

If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.

If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.

Do not drive a stations wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.

A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.

Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist attack. At least you'll be able to enjoy a nice coke and apple before you die.

the rest is here...
http://www.uspoliticsforum.com/emergency/page2.html

 

[golgiaparatus]

LOL!!! clicky So funny I had to host it myself

 

[Acadian]

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into
bed and falling to sleep. Soon, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed
in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are
you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter,
and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too
young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as
a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being
a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and
relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run,
really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end
was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he
said "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to
explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going
on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Tom asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and
then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again
and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet
another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he
heard his wife shout:

"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're Sh|tting all over
the bed

 

[biggins]

LOL!!! clicky So funny I had to host it myself

wow you really just made my day with that