[ridetoofast]

So, there was an intern that just recently left my department. apparently the bs meter was pegged so often, his immediate co-workers decided to make of log of it. without further adeu I present to you the innane ramblings of Josh (JMH), other initials being the victims of said ramblings.

JMHAfter interrupting someone else’s conversation about tax penalties…) My mom is a finance lawyer. She works with the FBI and IRS. You have to be careful, ‘cause they will take your ****. And they won’t always get what it’s worth at auction and then you still owe them. I saw a 1956 Dodge Viper go at one of those auctions for $300!

KAS: I want to be filthy rich.
JMH: Buying and selling gaming systems is the best way to get rich.
KAS: Even better than real estate?
JMH: Oh, yeah! If you buy a house, it might have termites and then you have a piece of crap that isn’t worth anything.
KAS: Even better than the stock market?
JMH: Yeah! The market could crash and then you lose all your money.


JMH: On a test in my sister’s medical class, one of the questions was “How is a fart formed?”.
JWS: How is a fart formed?
JMH: When you have a turd stuck in your intestine it blocks air. You keep swallowing air and the pressure builds up. When it gets high enough, the air goes around the turd, turns stinky, and comes out.
PKM: I fart a lot. Why do you think that is?
JMH: Maybe you have a tiny butthole.

JMH: Did you know a woman can fart out of her vagina?
JWS: That I did not know.
JMH: Your intestine comes down and splits between your front privates and your butt. Sometimes the air travels down the other path and comes out the vagina.
PKM: So it’s like a fork in the road.
JMH: Yeah.
JWS: I don’t know about you, but I’ve never farted out of my dick.
JMH: That’s because the woman’s hole is a lot bigger than a man’s. It’s easier for the air to get through..

JMH: What happens in poker if two people have a royal flush?
GEH: They split the pot.
JMH: What if two people have the same 4 of a kind?
GEH: No comment.

GEH: What medication are you on?
JMH: Concerta.
GEH (using web for info): So, it’s Riddelin.
JMH: No, I’m immune to Riddelin.
GEH: No, it is Riddelin.
JMH: Yeah, but it is like super Riddelin.

JMH: When I worked at McD’s, we would cook 500 burgers in one minute. It only takes 24 seconds to cook one.
GEH: You mean in one hour?
JMH: No, in one minute.
JWS: That’s an average of over 20 burgers a second.
JMH: Well, it wasn’t for the whole minute.

THE BIG LIE…
Friday
JMH: Yeah, I have a date either tonight or Sunday with this hot chick from EB named Jesse.
KAS: You don’t know when the date is yet?
JMH: No. We’ll decide after she gets off work tonight.
JWS: Alrighty…
ALL: Giving dating advice such as “keep your mouth shut”, “take a condom…or maybe a few”, “compliment the ugliest part of her outfit”, “don’t talk about arcade games”, etc.
Monday-Thursday
KAS: Where did you eat?
JMH: We went to Fudrucker’s.
KAS: What did you eat?
JMH: I ate chicken and she had a burger with the works.
KAS: Then what?
JMH: We went to a movie.
KAS: What movie did you see?
JMH: Uhmm. Final Destination 3.
JWS: Did you put your dick in the popcorn like I told you to?
JMH: No. We did stop at the mall ‘cause she wanted to buy a shirt that was on sale at Old Navy. I played air hockey with a guy while I waited.
KAS: Did you win?
JMH: I kicked his ass. Then I played with Jenny and I beat her too.
KAS: What’s her name?
JMH: Jenny.
KAS: I thought you said her name was Jesse.
JMH: No, it’s Jenny.
KAS: Jenny what?
JMH: I don’t know. I don’t ask a girl what her last name is until we’ve dated for a while.
KAS: Were you checkin’ out her boobs at dinner?
JMH: Yeah. I was staring at her chest
JWS: She didn’t notice this?
JMH: No. I only looked when she put her head down to eat.
JWS: Did you pop a chubby at dinner?
JMH: Yeah. But it went down before dinner was over.
KAS: Did you check out her butt?
JMH: Yeah, like six or seven times.
KAS: Are you going out again?
JMH: Yeah. What do you guys think about this idea for the second date? We can go out to Anna’s (Italian fast food), rent a movie, and get in the jacuzzi.
JWS: Sounds good if you’re lookin’ to get laid.
JMH: Well, I’m not looking for that.
JWS: Why not? Did you beat off after you got home from the last date?
JMH: No.
JWS: So let me see…you got a boner at dinner and you did not cuff the carrot that night.
JMH: No.
JWS: How often do you masturbate? Once a day?
JMH: No. Maybe a few times a week.
JWS: Liar!
Next Friday
JMH: (nervous) I don’t know what happened. I got to work yesterday and Jenny just started yelling at me.
KAS: What did you do?
JMH: I don’t know. She just started yelling!
KAS: Yelling about what?
JMH: I don’t know! I’m not gonna deal with this anymore. I think I’m just gonna end it with her.
KAS: EMS & I will go to EB Games and talk to her for you. We’ll find out what’s wrong.
JMH: Oh, no! Don’t do that! I’ll get fired!
KAS: It’s not that big of a deal. It will be fine.
JMH: I’ll get charged with sexual harassment.
KAS: No you won’t.
2 minutes later…
JMH: I didn’t go out on a date.
EMS: What?
KAS: What?
JMH: I lied about the date.
EMS: What?!!!
KAS: Why would you do that?
JMH: I don’t know. I’m a compulsive liar.
2 minutes later…
JMH: I’m really afraid to tell George and Jim about lying about the date.
KAS: You should be. They’ll probably beat you up for lying.
Later that day, a “lie retraction” session took place. JMH still told lies, but changed minor details about the lies. He affirmed that Christopher Newport is his ancestor, and that the turkey ****ting incident did take place but it happened at his cousin’s school.

 

[reflux]

uhh, okay.

 

[moff_quigley]

JMH: Did you know a woman can fart out of her vagina?
JWS: That I did not know.
JMH: Your intestine comes down and splits between your front privates and your butt. Sometimes the air travels down the other path and comes out the vagina.
PKM: So it’s like a fork in the road.
JMH: Yeah.
JWS: I don’t know about you, but I’ve never farted out of my dick.
JMH: That’s because the woman’s hole is a lot bigger than a man’s. It’s easier for the air to get through..

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

[Toshi]

i must note that the movie quote is incorrect technically speaking. barring weird urogenital sinus congenital conditions there's no "fork" in that road...

 

[i-ride]

god that's hillarious. what in the world kinda intern WAS this kid??

 

[Slugman]

I once worked with a guy like that... we called BS on his stuff and got him fired (lied about his work too).

He cried... I almost felt bad.

 

[Potroast88]

I farted from my dick once. It made a small squeaking sound and smelled like freshly cut grass.

 

[eaterofdog]

I farted from my dick once. It made a small squeaking sound and smelled like freshly cut grass.

This whole thread is the funniest f-ing thing I've heard all week. What a piece of work.

 

[zahgurim]

Hahaha! Where the hell do you work that you get stuck with people like this?

 

[dogwonder]

I nomintate this for thread of the month. We used to have a guy we would call the 50/50 guy. 50% of everything he said was BS. We used to play a game to try to figure out which 50% was real and which wasn't.

 

[CKxx]

I knew a kid like that in HS. The bad part was that he was really a cool kid. About 90% of the time he was like anyone else in our group of friends, but then that 10% would sneak up and drop the most rediculous bomb ever.