To take his name or not?

bibs · Dec 21, 2004

Snacks said:
Okay so this isn't bike related, but I'd thought I'd toss this one out to the ladies.

To take the guys last name when you get married is a hot topic with my girlfriends. Most of them are getting married in their mid 30's, already established in their career and are choosing not to take the husbands last name.

What I have found that more men have an issue/opinion with this rather than the women. Why? Is marriage still looked as a possession to some? Are women looked at as the ones that wear the pants in the family when they dont change their name?

I was married once before and did not change my name, just because I didn't really want to, my ex didn't have a problem with it, but I found that others did. My b/f and I are coming up on 4 years next month, and marriage is in the future, but I have been told in advance that I will be taking his last name.

So hunnies, what's your take on this topic....Did you? Didn't you? Will you? Won't you?

hahaha, you guys are getting married!! RAD!! You should, hyphen-ated names are lame, so yuppie! ANd its kind od an insult to not take your mans name..."Ok, honey, I love you but not enought ot take your name, and in case we get a divorce its easier. And Im not a chick, but I saw this on the front page..so I ahd to respond! Sorry for entering the "Mud Hunnies, its a nice lil place you go there

Cory

Toshi · Dec 21, 2004

Snacks said:
My b/f and I are coming up on 4 years next month, and marriage is in the future, but I have been told in advance that I will be taking his last name.

hello snacks. i use View New Posts so i see all of this fun stuff

punkassean · Dec 21, 2004

It's not about possession for me and I'd imagine for most guys too. It's just one of those things where you have to ask yourself why not? Don't not do something "just because".

I understand when stars do that so they can still get work but even then most of them legally change their name but just keep their maiden as a stage name.

If you love the guy then take his name for chrissakes! what's the big deal? It's not like the niddle east and women have to cover their faces and not speak and men can kill them for just about whatever w/o getting in trouble.

Freak · Dec 21, 2004

You know, I don't see the big deal as to why the wife should take the husbands name....I let Laura make up her own mind on whether or not to take my last name.

Maybe the husband should take the wife's last name!!!! hehehehe

TreeSaw · Dec 21, 2004

I am married and took my husband's name, although I don't believe I "had" to. We're not the typical couple so I doubt that he would have minded. If I could find him, I would ask him, but he's currently MIA :think:

Really, our house isn't that big...but I haven't seen or heard him in about an hour :confused:

LOL

I don't believe a woman should feel like she has to take her husband's name. Plus, it's a pain in the arse to fill out all of the paperwork and crap

Side note (and I don't know why I thought of this because I have never even watched the show she's on) didn't Star Jones just get married and have her husband take her name?

Certified Drunk · Dec 21, 2004

How about Mr and Mrs Trail-Snacks

Or Snacker-Hacks

punkassean · Dec 21, 2004

TreeSaw said:
Side note (and I don't know why I thought of this because I have never even watched the show she's on) didn't Star Jones just get married and have her husband take her name?

I think so but none of us should be looking for relevance to our lives in her life decisions.

TreeSaw · Dec 21, 2004

punkassean said:
I think so but none of us should be looking for relevance to our lives in her life decisions.

LOL! So true! I think the beers are going to my head

punkassean · Dec 21, 2004

Snacks said:
OMG! She did! She also advertised for donations to help pay for their wedding

my point exactly...

Star Jones = bad woman :nope:

Jr_Bullit · Dec 21, 2004

I think it depends on the relationship - and your own personal preference. I went through three different names before I was 9 so to me a name is a name - it's not who you are, it's just what you sign.

My mom kept her family name when she married my stepdad, but I took my stepdad's name.

People who love tradition - then the whole name change thing for the woman makes sense.
People who wanna shake things up, invent a new name entirely upon marriage.
I do think, however, that those women who opt to keep their own name, do so as a way of showing the world they are maintaining their well-won independence - they are generally older ladies (late 20s and on) who have a career of their own, or have had a previous relationship where they did change their name and had to deal with the crap of changing it back afterwards.

It may also be regional - I have a few clients in the South who were married this year. At this point, I've known them since I started at the company, though we've never actually met, so they called and confided their happiness with me while introducing me to their replacements. All took their husbands name, all planned on being a stay at home wife with kids.

My girlfriend who is getting married this summer is taking her husbands name. They're a little more conservative in nature.

My supervisor who is in her 40s kept her name, and her husband who is 15 years younger than her kept his.

And I agree - the hyphenated thing gets old quick. At worst - change your middle name to be your last name, and add on the new name as your real last name.

Velocity Girl · Dec 22, 2004

My question to guys who say women should change their name, would you be willing to change yours? If the answer is no, then why would you expect someone else to do the same? If the answer is yes, well then more power to you!

The first time around I still wasn't ready to deal with the crap that comes with changing your name and professionally didn't want it changed at that time. And I just wasn't ready to change it, plain and simple. The ex wasn't exactly happy with it, but ultimately didn't have much choice in the matter if he still wanted to marry me.

As Jason said, he always gave me the choice and actually expected at first that I was going to keep my name, but was happy when I told him I was going to change it. I'm happy I did, but it is an adjustment. I've been known by a name all my life, have nicknames around it, and now have to retrain my brain....not to mention the paperwork...yikes!!! I still think about 50% of my stuff is in my maiden name...LOL!

Some may claim that it's a pain dealing with different names, and if you have kids, etc. Growing up we had 2 last names in our family and then two of my brothers took on their birth names to give us a 3rd and it really isn't that bad...you just figure it out as you go. You and the people around you learn to adjust.

MtnBikerChk · Dec 22, 2004

BAH - to the women who said it's a lot of paperwork - it's really not that bad. Most credit card companies didn't even want proof - they take your word over the phone.

and I agree with bibs "ANd its kind of an insult to not take your mans name..."Ok, honey, I love you but not enought ot take your name, and in case we get a divorce its easier."

I wonder what the stats are for divorce rates where the couple didn't share the same last name. I have a cousin who's wife kept her name. They are divorced now.

AND I think that people who can't share bank accounts have committment issues too - but that's another thread

I Are Baboon · Dec 22, 2004

MtnBikerChk said:
and I agree with bibs "ANd its kind of an insult to not take your mans name..."Ok, honey, I love you but not enought ot take your name, and in case we get a divorce its easier."

Of course, I left that entirely up to you.

But I am glad you took my name. "Mrs. Baboon" just sounds so cool. :love:

laura · Dec 22, 2004

i decided to make my maiden name my middle name and take tn's last name. i like his last name better anyways.

mbc is right about it not being a lot of paper work. i spent a total of 2 hours ( not consecutively) getting a new ss card and driver's liscence, passport and voter's registration card. everything else i did over the phone. some things i haven't even gotten changed yet because my drivers liscence still has my maiden name on it.

i certainly don't look at not changing your name as an insult, i think it is only a matter of personal preferance. if tn's last name had been assface, i probably wouldn't have changed my name. it is just a name. i just like being The Tn's. even thought about getting a cheesy welcome mat with our names on it. hehehe.

McGRP01 · Dec 22, 2004

My wife didn't "legally" take my name until this year, and we've been married for 7 years.

MtnBikerChk · Dec 22, 2004

laura said:
if tn's last name had been assface, i probably wouldn't have changed my name. it is just a name.

LMAO - Well that goes without saying!

Velocity Girl · Dec 22, 2004

Those of who think it's an insult for the women to not change her name.....if the man was unwilling to change his name to hers instead would that be just as much of an insult?

I'm just wondering the reasoning. Is it just the women not changing hers that is insulting, or does it go both ways?

biggins · Dec 22, 2004

c'mon now, its not insulting for the woman not to take the last name but it is part of becoming married traditionally. So having said that i think that if that tradition is being slowly done away with in many marriages then maybe other traditions should be skirted around as well. Traditions such as buying the woman two rings. Her engagement ring and her wedding band, i think just one ring will suffice. Maybe we should not have bridesmaids and groomsmen either. Or how about instead of throwing the bouqet we just start a tradition of lighting it on fire and throwing it at each other.

DH Diva · Dec 22, 2004

I'm one of those people who has a dying last name. It's really rare and I believe there are less than 100 people in the country with the name (and the numbers just keep getting smaller). Given the number of male progeny in the last couple decades, theres very few people to carry on the name. Because of that for some reason, I really want to keep my name (if I ever actually get married!!!).

MtnBikerChk · Dec 22, 2004

Velocity Girl said:
I'm just wondering the reasoning. Is it just the women not changing hers that is insulting, or does it go both ways?

to me, it's both ways. it's like one of those 'sacrafice for the one you love kinda thing.'

It's such an insignificant part of life. Change it, don't change it, move on. :blah:

Slugman · Dec 22, 2004

So for women who do not switch - do you just change the "Ms." to "Mrs."?
And does (or did) this cause any confusion?

I guess I'm traditional in the sense that I think the woman should take the last name, it shows a commitment. Hell, he or his family is paying (traditionally) a lot of money for the wedding, the least you could do is take his name...

neaky:

I found snacks comment a bit odd:

Snacks said:
I think that is the main reason I didn't change mine the first time, I just wasn't ready. There wasn't any underlying issues in the relationship that made me feel that the marriage wasn't going to last so don't change it.

Then why did you get married?

I guess that is the thing for me, if my wife didn't take my name then she would still have the same identity that she had when single... and why would you not want everyone to know that you were now married?!?!?! To me it was a sense that she still wanted her identity from her 'swinging singles' days, and that raises some issues with trust and commitment.

In the end, I let my wife choose - she took my name.

DH Diva · Dec 22, 2004

Slugman said:
Hell, he or his family is paying (traditionally) a lot of money for the wedding, the least you could do is take his name... neaky:

Actually it's the other way around. Traditionally, the family of the bride pays for most of the wedding.

Slugman · Dec 22, 2004

DH Diva said:
Actually it's the other way around. Traditionally, the family of the bride pays for the wedding.

D'oh ... your right

I need more coffee (stil early here).

Edit - was thinking about my own wedding (still paying it off)

llkoolkeg · Dec 22, 2004

My opinionated take:

women who take their husband's surname.......... :heart:
women who refuse their husband's surname......... :rolleyes:

women who hypenate their-husband's surname... :rolleyes:

couples who make up a new name altogether..... :help:

men who take their wife's surname...............:nuts:

Unless you are the preeminent force in your specialized profession, you are not so famous that people can't adapt to your new name...unless, of course, you've already got one foot out the door on your marriage. If you are too lazy to change it, shame on you. If you don't want to change it in order to take a "feminist" stand, try something original for a change. If you as a guy change your name to accommodate marriage, untuck that thing before it permanently welds itself between your cheeks.

Slugman · Dec 22, 2004

Snacks said:
It had nothing to do with not letting people know I was married, I wore a ring, had joint accounts, bought a house....blah blah blah. Just because I didn't change my name it means it means I'm not committed to my marriage? We were together for 5 years before we got married, had been working together for 6 years(met at work)...needless to say my swinging single days were over long before we were married.

I wasn't trying to say that those issues applied to you - I was just explaining how I felt in my situation... I was not tryingto imply anything.

Just curious - how old were you when you got married? My wife and I were talking about this the other day. We know so many people who are around our age (she is 27, I'm 33) that are divorced, or getting a divorce. It's surprising to us, but then again we've only been married for 2 years (together for 5). We wonder if we are different than all of them since we waited longer (a lot of them were married by 22), or have we just not yet gotten to that point in our relationship?

-BB- · Dec 22, 2004

I say that it is up to the wife to decide if she wants to have a different last name than her children.

:devil:

bibs · Dec 22, 2004

Velocity Girl said:
Those of who think it's an insult for the women to not change her name.....if the man was unwilling to change his name to hers instead would that be just as much of an insult?

I'm just wondering the reasoning. Is it just the women not changing hers that is insulting, or does it go both ways?

ever heard of tradition? Its been happening since the the first wedding to continue the males family name, back in the day when your family name meant somthing. Personally I think its assnine to hypenate the name. So many kids I work with have hypenated names and it confuses the kids. And thats just one reason... so many more.

bibs · Dec 22, 2004

DH Diva said:
I'm one of those people who has a dying last name. It's really rare and I believe there are less than 100 people in the country with the name (and the numbers just keep getting smaller). Given the number of male progeny in the last couple decades, theres very few people to carry on the name. Because of that for some reason, I really want to keep my name (if I ever actually get married!!!).

same with my last name.

Velocity Girl · Dec 22, 2004

Biggins and bibs....you both touched on something that I don't always 100% agree with...."Because it's tradition". I personally don't find that a compelling enough reason. Traditons are laws, they're guidelines, and if they don't work for someone, so be it.

And yes, I do follow some traditions and do so happily. I am not opposed to the name change obviously, but I think it should be a choice.

And as for the other wedding traditions....yes, I have the traditional two rings, but Jason has two also! So should he not have his second ring just because it's not tradition? That would be silly, just the same as I personally feel it's silly that a women HAS to take the mans name.

Maybe the household I grew up in plays a role into my feelings on this. My parents are divorced and I have a step-dad who I consider more my dad than my real father is, was, or ever could be. I don't consider him any less my dad because we don't have the same blood or the same last name.......so I guess I don't feel that the last name binds the people together, it's how you feel about them and the family you are a part of.

Megan Black · Dec 22, 2004

Velocity Girl said:
Biggins and bibs....you both touched on something that I don't always 100% agree with...."Because it's tradition". I personally don't find that a compelling enough reason. Traditons are laws, they're guidelines, and if they don't work for someone, so be it.

And yes, I do follow some traditions and do so happily. I am not opposed to the name change obviously, but I think it should be a choice.

And as for the other wedding traditions....yes, I have the traditional two rings, but Jason has two also! So should he not have his second ring just because it's not tradition? That would be silly, just the same as I personally feel it's silly that a women HAS to take the mans name.

Maybe the household I grew up in plays a role into my feelings on this. My parents are divorced and I have a step-dad who I consider more my dad than my real father is, was, or ever could be. I don't consider him any less my dad because we don't have the same blood or the same last name.......so I guess I don't feel that the last name binds the people together, it's how you feel about them and the family you are a part of.

about the whole traditions thing. times are changing peeps. i'm all for traditions and being old fashioned as long as there are still equal benefits for the parties.

for whoever's friends who got married, changed their name and stay at home to take care of the kids, I guess I could see that as a fairly equal exchange. Guy makes the money, provides for the family, woman gives up her name. Not that it's that black and white but it's an example.

Thing is that lifestyle may not appeal to some women these days so why should they be expected to give something up when they are not getting the return efforts? They are making their own money and providing for themselves, where is the equal exchange of sacrific if she gives up her name?

Not that I know what would make a marraige work forever but I believe there has to be an equal sacrifice, in whatever form that may be.

It is interesting to see how much of an individualistic society America has become (I'm not sure about elsewhere). People are starting to become their own islands. Mabye I'm off base but I see people in America moving towards a goal of not needing anyone anymore. Family units are breaking apart, as well as traditional marraiges, even organized religion seems to be becoming less appealling...all those things don't function without sacrificing yourself to someone else (your spouse/your family/god, or allah or whoever).Not saying this is right or wrong...just kinda interesting to observe and I'm curious to know where this will go....hmmmmmmmmmm

punkassean · Dec 22, 2004

Velocity Girl said:
Biggins and bibs....you both touched on something that I don't always 100% agree with...."Because it's tradition". I personally don't find that a compelling enough reason. Traditons are laws, they're guidelines, and if they don't work for someone, so be it.

And yes, I do follow some traditions and do so happily. I am not opposed to the name change obviously, but I think it should be a choice.

And as for the other wedding traditions....yes, I have the traditional two rings, but Jason has two also! So should he not have his second ring just because it's not tradition? That would be silly, just the same as I personally feel it's silly that a women HAS to take the mans name.

I think most of us agree with that general statement. It's kinda like Xmas, Xmas was started free from religious affiliation, it wasn't until the mid or late 1800's I believe that Americans put their own religious twist on it. Nowadays most people (even many Jewish people) celebrate Xmas but not in any one "traditional" sense. Xmas is more about being with your family and spreading the love than it is about Jesus or Santa Claus for that matter and most people have adapted Xmas to work for their beliefs or to not affiliate it with any beliefs at all. Traditions are ever evolving and I think it's cool when people can embrace the tradition but put a twist on it to suit their own beliefs or lifestyle. We shouldn't forget our past but we need to evolve to keep things relevant. It's not like you have to take it as-is or leave it.

I think that the way you and your husband both have engagement rings is a cool way of doing that.

I guess what I'm saying is I like creative ways to update a tradition but I dislike it when people just throw them out the window completely, for some reason I just find it disrespectful. Maybe I see it as disrespect to the people who laid the path to where we are now.

I think that even though we live in an age where half of marriages result in divorce we should still strive for the ideal, to stay together and make our relationships work. I think that taking a name shows that commitment and selflessness needed to make relationship work.If both parties aren't willing to compromise and find a middle ground then it's not going to work in the long haul. I think a persons reluctance to this is a good preliminary indicator of commitment issues.

The only reason I think that women should take a man's name is because a women grows up all the while being made aware of this and men the opposite. after X amount of years people accept that and it just seems funny to reverse it "just because". It's kinda like finding out that you were adopted later in life which for some people opens up a can of emotional worms as opposed to if they were told that all along they'd be better equipped and dealing with it. Obviously thought if both parties are agreeable then go for it, you have to do whatever works for you. But I think that's the problem, this new trend doesn't work for a lot of guys and they feel forced into it and it just starts things off in a bad direction.

Velocity Girl said:
Maybe the household I grew up in plays a role into my feelings on this. My parents are divorced and I have a step-dad who I consider more my dad than my real father is, was, or ever could be. I don't consider him any less my dad because we don't have the same blood or the same last name.......so I guess I don't feel that the last name binds the people together, it's how you feel about them and the family you are a part of.

In the end, you are right it's not about the name. But it is about the commitment and taking the name signifies that IMO.

-BB- · Dec 22, 2004

Velocity Girl said:
And as for the other wedding traditions....yes, I have the traditional two rings, but Jason has two also! So should he not have his second ring just because it's not tradition? That would be silly, just the same as I personally feel it's silly that a women HAS to take the mans name..

No, not as long as you have the bigger diamond.

To take his name or not?

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