[Echo]

The company firewall finally after all these years discovered Maddox's site and blocked it.

 

[brungeman]

The company firewall finally after all these years discovered Maddox's site and blocked it.

I am lost here! Maddox?

 

[binary visions]

I am lost here! Maddox?

http://maddox.xmission.com/

 

[splat]

Been Blocked by Mine since we moved into this building , along with a bunch of other fun sites.

I liked it much better when I had Privs' to the comany firewall!

 

[I Are Baboon]

I am really surprised ridemonkey isn't blocked yet. It's only a matter of time, so I enjoy it while I can. More and more stuff is getting blocked.

 

[llkoolkeg]

Hows about someone cuts-n-pastes a sample for the rest of us mortals downstream of the man?

 

[brungeman]

http://maddox.xmission.com/

OH.... that is blocked...

our firewall is sooooo bad that it blocked "google images"

 

[douglas]

blah, I would care less if http://maddox.xmission.com/ was bocked



note: I control the blocking at work

 

[binary visions]

Hows about someone cuts-n-pastes a sample for the rest of us mortals downstream of the man?

Ask and ye shall receive. There are dozens and dozens of articles, some poignant, some funny, some just weird... you really need to read a bunch on your own time. These are just three random ones, that do not represent the best or the worst - I'm not going to re-read 50 of 'em just to pick the funniest ones .

I am better than your kids. (ed. note: i supplied only the funniest ones, the real piece is longer)
If you work in an office with lots of people, chances are that you work with a person who hangs pictures up that their kids have drawn. The pictures are always of some stupid flower or a tree with wheels. These pictures suck; I could draw pictures much better. In fact, I can spell, do math and run faster than your kids. So being that my skills are obviously superior to those of children, I've taken the liberty to judge art work done by other kids on the internet. I'll be assigning a grade A through F for each piece:

Kyle, Age 8

You spelled America wrong asshole. Also, I could have sworn America's colors were red, white and blue. There's no yellow anywhere, traitor. F

Lisa, Age 6

Holy ****, I almost had a seizure when I saw this one. Three words: too many colors. Also, eggs aren't supposed to have ears, dip****. F

Rachel, Age 7

That's interesting, everyone in this picture is white. Even the rainbow is white. Perhaps in an ideal world, everyone would be white isn't that right, Rachel? Or should I call you RACIST? Nice try, Hitler. F

Jason, Age 6

This one would receive an "A" if the assignment was to throw as much random **** onto a paper as poorly as you can. I've pissed patterns on snow that look more coherent than this. F

Kelly, Age 9

This was a Christmas gift from Kelly to her parents. Good job Kelly, now pack up your **** and find a foster home. If my kids tried to pass this off as a gift, they'd come home from school and find all their **** outside in a box. What a lousy gift, seriously. You give them video games and toys, and they give you some half-assed drawing with a crooked tree. I wonder how much a gift like this would set someone back. Five, maybe ten minutes to find a napkin and some markers? F

The movie "Signs" in four easy steps:

Another crappy movie getting rave reviews. Unbelievable. The best thing about this movie was the score at the beginning during the credits, and only because the composer, James Newton Howard, ripped off Shostakovich's Chamber Symphony Op. 110a (check it out, Shostakovich's work is much cooler and often plagiarized in Hollywood; for more on plagiarized sound tracks, see the score to "Psycho").

This movie wouldn't have been so bad if it actually went somewhere. It was like a porno with no money shot. One of those slow motion soft-core Showtime specials that start out as being mediocre detective melodrama, but you keep watching any way because it's starring Shannon Tweed and you know there's going to be a shower scene but you know it's going to suck because some dude inevitably comes in and starts man handling her and the camera man does nothing but zoom up on his ass. That's exactly what "Signs" is like: the camera man zooming up on some guy's ass for two hours.

Don't see "Signs."

My balls are huge.

I was sitting around the other day admiring how big my nuts are, when I came to the conclusion that they are somewhere between fairly giant and super giant. It's like I have a pair of Epcot centers dangling between my legs. Of course, you have to have a pretty big pair to say some of the things I've said, and then go on national TV. That's part of the reason my balls are so astronomical. The last nine or ten false readings in gravity wave detectors have been due to the gravity field of my nads. They're just under critical mass, a few inches away from collapsing into a super dense vortex of nutsaqutron (a type of radiation given off by enormous balls).

I've made a chart to help you get a feel for the size of my jewels:

I don't even have an office chair anymore, I just sit around on my nuts. People come over to my house and they think I'm just sitting on a giant flesh colored bean bag. I once took a bullet right in the cojones just to prove how tough I am, but the bullet ricocheted off of a pube and shot some kid in the face. I almost felt sorry for the kid, but he had it coming. Nobody can step to my nuts. My ex-girlfriend was bitching at me one day, so I tossed my nuts at her. BAM. Knocked the bitch out cold. The best teabagging she ever received, and I wasn't even trying.

 

[Secret Squirrel]

Hows about someone cuts-n-pastes a sample for the rest of us mortals downstream of the man?

Here's one for ya! It's missing the 'chopped covers for the games...but it's still funny.

Video games you'll never play.

Remember when it was okay for a video game to not have convex volumetric fog rendering and bilinear interpolated textures to be fun? Since when did it become acceptable for 30% of your system's resources to be devoted to rendering shadows, atmospheric scattering, ambient light effects, and all this other superfluous bullsh*t that game coders keep adding to their engines so they can win some imaginary pissing contest?

Nobody cares about graphics if the game plays like dog sh*t. I'm bored to tears with first person shooters. Changing the theme from one time period to another isn't enough anymore, assholes. Did someone beat you to the punch on that killer WWII shooter you were making? Don't worry, just take the same concept, change a few textures, and call it Battlefield Vietnam. We won't notice. Hell, why not Battlefield Korea?

So I've decided to make a few video game ideas of my own. Games you haven't seen before, and probably won't see in the near future:

1. Guess Who Forgot To Read The Demographic Charts!
A game where you try to shift blame for poor sales so you can keep your job as an overpaid consultant. You were hired by some asshole in upper management who's trying to cover his ass at board meetings with statistics about sales figures (ie, making sh*t up), but instead of looking at obvious historical and demographic trends, you cave in to pressure from women's rights groups and Joe Lieberman's spirited backlash at the video game industry due to his years of crippling impotence. The only game you've ever played is "Myst," but you have a master's degree in public administration, so that qualifies you to green-light the latest Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen "game," which really isn't a game so much as a sack of soggy d*cks.

You get bonus points for every additional year you keep your job while avoiding every major video game release, cementing your reputation as a notoriously stupid sellout asshole.

2. Super Managerial Brothers
In this game, your brother is the manager of an accounting firm, so you get a job and push the envelope every day by sleeping at your desk, taking three-hour lunch breaks, leaving early, and going to the bathroom every 10 minutes so you can masturbate.

Besides being a lazy douche, you fritter away all the money you didn't earn on cheap beer and football memorabilia because you "almost went pro" in college. Of course, you can never be fired because you can milk the family card as long as your brother works at the firm, but the game ends when the work piles up so much that you can't avoid actually doing some.

3. Identity Crisis!



It's the year 2004 and nobody knows what's cool anymore! Drift aimlessly from one social trend to the next as you eventually find yourself converging to the ultra-hip world of box-framed glasses and studded belts known as "EMO." You have dyed-black hair that is engineered to look messy, but it's not spikey enough to be punk. You wear a skin-tight v-neck argyle sweater and black converse shoes--an amalgamation of old and new. You are a walking paradox. You are EMO.

You're not bound by the confines of traditional denominational religions, yet you're not confident enough to have an independent thought in that thick, vacuous skull of yours, so you dabble in trendy philosophies like Kabbalah and tribal mysticism. The game ends when you stop sucking manufactured cool from MTV's teat long enough to realize what a dumb son of a bitch you're being.

4. Corporate Whore

You're a struggling writer whose writing happens to suck, but fortunately for you, the sucking doesn't stop there. Ride your sh*tty script from one producer to the next, armed only with your glossy lips, tube of chap stick, and a powerful set of lungs.

Some of the troubles you'll encounter are: trying to cope with your hopelessly inadequate talent, flirting with repugnant men with smelly balls, and living with yourself for being such a shameless whore.

5. 30 Something Investment Banker


You're 31 years old, have a six-figure income, and a receding hair line, but you've spent the last 10 years of your life amassing a small fortune as an investment banker; your financial success is punctuated with your 7 series BMW, and new yacht. You're the man, except for one small problem: you can't get laid.

Go on an adventure from one bar to the next trying to piece together the social life you neglected by being a money-hungry prick. Challenges include overcoming the social stigma caused by years of greed driven self-loathing, only to realize that people only a fraction as rich are living miserable lives too!

Prepare to suck down 9 millimeters of cold hard lead when you decide to take the easy way out like the compromising chicken sh*t you always were.

 

[llkoolkeg]

That was some of the funniest crap I've read in a while. I'm guessing this is some sort of blog authored by yet another crass, middle-aged desk-jockey?

 

[binary visions]

That was some of the funniest crap I've read in a while. I'm guessing this is some sort of blog authored by yet another crass, middle-aged desk-jockey?

What do you do for a living? What languages do you program in?

I'm a programmer for a telemarketing company. I work anywhere from 40-60 hours per week (hence my delayed graduation). I write with Informix 4GL/SQL, Perl (CGI), C, C++, Unix shell (korn, bourne, bash), sed/awk, Java, PHP.



How old are you? / Where do you go to school? / Where do you live? / What is your major?

At the time of this writing I'm 26, I go to school at the University of Utah; my major is math.

The FAQ appears to have been added in 2001, so that'd make him 31 now.