[Pesqueeb]

^^^^^ sound advice.

When my grandfather passed it took a lawyer and several acts of teh FSM to get sh1t legally straitened out so affairs could be passed to my grandmother. Since my parents were involved in all the proceedings they arranged for powers of attorney with my grandmother at the same time. When she eventually passed, things went a lot easier, financially and legally speaking any way.

 

[jonKranked]

Hey Butch - I hate to be the deliverer of dark news, but you really need to get her finances handled for your dad. Powers of Attorney, beneficiaries for all acccounts updated, a log of all her accounts, etc. I'm sure your dad has most of this listed somewhere, but take care of this for him now.

It's dark, rough to do, and sucks, but your father will appreciate it if things go sour quickly. Especially the beneficiaries bit. Unless you have a trust of some form, get your dad setup as the bene. It's tax advantageous to him.

**I AM NOT A TAX OR FINANCIAL ADVISOR. DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH.**

having watched/dealt with a family member who succumbed to dementia prior to giving power of attorney to another close family member, i will second this.


be strong bizzy.

 

[Austin Bike]

having watched/dealt with a family member who succumbed to dementia prior to giving power of attorney to another close family member, i will second this.


be strong bizzy.

Yes, +1.

Mom got alzheimer's a few years back. Dad made sure everything was in place. She fell one day, went into a coma and we had to pull the plug a week later. Craziest month of my life (combined with 2 vacations and losing my job).

Having the right paperwork in place is essential to ensure that the right things happen and there aren't issues. Getting your mom's wishes down on paper means that there won't be any family arguments about what course of action to take.

 

[bizutch]

Dad finally got in to see her in ICU. Still very much sedated. She woke once and was very hostile to the staff. Still has a tube down her throat and is on meds as a precaution that prevent seizures.

He said they shaved her entire head (obviously she wasn't aware this would happen given her mental state) and it's brought him way back down after finding some peace last night. The incision is apparently massive. Going there as soon as I can.

Our biggest fear is that whichever mom we get, the original stubborn version or the current deluded and confused one, will see the scars and refuse the second surgery in a week. Really wish she had a different style personality.

 

[stoney]

Dad finally got in to see her in ICU. Still very much sedated. She woke once and was very hostile to the staff. Still has a tube down her throat and is on meds as a precaution that prevent seizures.

He said they shaved her entire head (obviously she wasn't aware this would happen given her mental state) and it's brought him way back down after finding some peace last night. The incision is apparently massive. Going there as soon as I can.

Our biggest fear is that whichever mom we get, the original stubborn version or the current deluded and confused one, will see the scars and refuse the second surgery in a week. Really wish she had a different style personality.

Take care of everything I mentioned. It will save you worlds of hurt.

 

[jonKranked]

Dad finally got in to see her in ICU. Still very much sedated. She woke once and was very hostile to the staff. Still has a tube down her throat and is on meds as a precaution that prevent seizures.

He said they shaved her entire head (obviously she wasn't aware this would happen given her mental state) and it's brought him way back down after finding some peace last night. The incision is apparently massive. Going there as soon as I can.

Our biggest fear is that whichever mom we get, the original stubborn version or the current deluded and confused one, will see the scars and refuse the second surgery in a week. Really wish she had a different style personality.

I hope she simmers down some next time she's concious. I'm sorry you have to deal with all this; not something i'd wish upon anyone.

and x2 on what stoney said.

 

[eric strt6]

hang in there, remember the one person that really needs you to help them get through this is your Father. Your mom is your dads partner of many years and he is facing a big loss of someone who is a part of who he is. I went through this with my dad when mom died. My sister and I were the shoulder to cry on, the hands to lift him up. Be that son, be there for your mom as best you can even if you don't like her or have your own resentments, do it for your father over your own feelings.

 

[Beef Supreme]

Dad finally got in to see her in ICU. Still very much sedated. She woke once and was very hostile to the staff. Still has a tube down her throat and is on meds as a precaution that prevent seizures.

He said they shaved her entire head (obviously she wasn't aware this would happen given her mental state) and it's brought him way back down after finding some peace last night. The incision is apparently massive. Going there as soon as I can.

Our biggest fear is that whichever mom we get, the original stubborn version or the current deluded and confused one, will see the scars and refuse the second surgery in a week. Really wish she had a different style personality.

My dad said something to me many years ago which has always stuck with me. "You plan to take care of your kids but not your parents." At the time he was dealing with my brother and I as teenage fvckheads and a father with Alzheimer's. I don't have much to offer other than the perspective that this is a blow that lots of people are unprepared to deal with.

 

[bizutch]

Welcome to the roller coaster. No change since the surgery. Here's the cruel part. Since dad lives an hour away and they've had her sedated due to recovery, he's been advised to just wait til they call.

When I visited twice in the last two days, she's not changed and the nurses were sweet, but I kept getting the feeling they knew something and weren't telling. I pressed them a little and they just conceeded that her outlook is grim. Haven't seen or spoke to the surgeon since. Apparently neurosurgeon's are in high demand and he's in surgery 12 hours at a pop.

His P.A. called me yesterday to offer to let us meet with the "Pallative Care" team to discuss steps, etc. I spoke to here prior to the full meeting with dad. She gave me the distinct impression mom wasn't coming out of the surgery all there mentally.

During our discussions, it was good and bad. She was honest with us about what mom's quality of life was if we continued. At that point, we discussed a DNR (do not resuscitate) and decided to do that. Mom wouldn't want a kickstart to her heart. Then we discussed pulling the tube out and moving her to Hospice.

We pretty much decided last night to stop punishing her body if her mind was all there.

But then the neuorsurgeon calls and strongly urges we continue and remove the mass at that's pressed against her brain stem and let her recover to see if she does come back around.

Don't know who to believe...a brain mechanic devoid of emotion or a pallative care doctor and nurses who look at her and see something they've seen many times before. The look in the eyes of those nurses was like a prisoner with duct tape on their mouth and someone coming up behind me with gun.

 

[ALEXIS_DH]

tough decision there, my friend.

if the patient was myself, i´d personally choose not to have any further surgeries.

 

[jonKranked]

butch, sorry to hear you're in such a tough spot.

 

[stoney]

Hey Butch - How's your mom?

 

[bizutch]

Sorry. I just haven't wanted to put it all down. She came through surgery and moved her to hospice to die.

We went through a week or two of her not making any sense and several days of deterioration. But she made a turn around and has gained a good deal of mental function back. Thoughts could still be jumbled and she can regurgitate memorized things like dates, facts and names but couldn't process thoughts well.

We didn't do the second brain surgery to remove the second tumor from the base of her brain on the cerebellum pressing on her brain stem. Dad decided it was torture if mom couldn't make a rational decision to do it herself. The second tumor is causing loss of balance, vision, motor control.

Now for the awesome part:
She's gained her reasoning back for the most part and we actually got to take her to dinner. She's been moved to in home hospice. They will visit her once per day. She's rational enough to make her own decisions at this point and decided to go through whole brain radiation to shrink the tumors. She DOES NOT want a second surgery and I believe her now that she can hold a conversation.

It's a huge blessing to know she can decide how she wants to spend her final days/weeks/months. She's NOT going to do chemotherapy. She doesn't want to suffer through it and just this week, she finally asked dad point blank: "What stage is my cancer?"

He told her Stage 4 and it has finally hit her (because now she can think clearly) what is ahead. She said she'd wished he hadn't told her now. To know your mom truly grasps it all mattered so much to me. That is the greatest blessing and I cried openly in front of my whole office when I spoke to her and knew her mind was back. I told them "That's my mom, not just a ghost of her." An absolute blessing.

Now we just have to let this thing run it's course. My latest sadness is that dad has had to start selling timber off his property to make ends meet. It's 33 acres of gully in the middle of nowhere, but I know every inch of it and thick with rhododendron and sky high poplar and oak trees. It's my inheritance...worth maybe 20k an acre, but now it has to be turned into a barren, ditched wasteland of logging roads and silt fences. Sucks...but he's gotta do it.

And his FMLA 12 weeks are going to be up in another month. He'll have to go back to Nashville and start work again or lose insurance and benefits.

 

[stoney]

Damn dude. At least she's gotten cognisant again, that has to be a relief.

Did you get all of the legal and financial stuff sorted out? I know you probably don't want to deal with it, but it is REALLY important to do it before she passes, s you guys can lose a LOT of money to taxes.

 

[bizutch]

Damn dude. At least she's gotten cognisant again, that has to be a relief.

Did you get all of the legal and financial stuff sorted out? I know you probably don't want to deal with it, but it is REALLY important to do it before she passes, s you guys can lose a LOT of money to taxes.

My dad and I are very ignorant in that respect. The only thing her name is on is their house, which is an old doublewide worth less than the dirt it's on. The land he's selling timber off of is owned by my grandmother currently and she has a life estate (I think that's the correct term) on it. Dad holds deed to it, as yet unrecorded at the courthouse. His two sisters hold their unrecorded deeds, fully executed, to their parcels of my grandmothers property.

The deed to the land, when my dad decides to record it, is in his name only. The only assets he has are his 401k and the timber sales. He got his first check, about $3500, for the first week's work, which was mostly grading.

Tell me how taxation can affect any of that?

 

[jonKranked]

My dad and I are very ignorant in that respect. The only thing her name is on is their house, which is an old doublewide worth less than the dirt it's on. The land he's selling timber off of is owned by my grandmother currently and she has a life estate (I think that's the correct term) on it. Dad holds deed to it, as yet unrecorded at the courthouse. His two sisters hold their unrecorded deeds, fully executed, to their parcels of my grandmothers property.

The deed to the land, when my dad decides to record it, is in his name only. The only assets he has are his 401k and the timber sales. He got his first check, about $3500, for the first week's work, which was mostly grading.

Tell me how taxation can affect any of that?

unfortunately the dirtmcgirk not-so-official legal services and pit bbq offices are closed for good.

 

[stoney]

My dad and I are very ignorant in that respect. The only thing her name is on is their house, which is an old doublewide worth less than the dirt it's on. The land he's selling timber off of is owned by my grandmother currently and she has a life estate (I think that's the correct term) on it. Dad holds deed to it, as yet unrecorded at the courthouse. His two sisters hold their unrecorded deeds, fully executed, to their parcels of my grandmothers property.

The deed to the land, when my dad decides to record it, is in his name only. The only assets he has are his 401k and the timber sales. He got his first check, about $3500, for the first week's work, which was mostly grading.

Tell me how taxation can affect any of that?

The issues are if she has any retirement accounts - IRA, 401k, pension, annuity, etc. If she has any, make sure that your dad is the named beneficiary. That simple. Everything in his name is fine. Just things in her name solely.

 

[bizutch]

Just met with them for a quick lunch. She has to travel here to Asheville (1hr +) to get her radiation and is done with the 10 treatments.

If she does more, then Hospice stops caring for her. I learned as well that she has a social worker visit weekly too. The cancer center has been donating gas cards and grocery store gift cards as well. My father's church (less than 100 people) has donated huge sums of cash and help build a handicap ramp for them.

The amount of care for two poor people on a dead end road is phenomenal. I don't mind if people don't have faith in God....but keep faith in humanity folks. They really do care if you let them.