Unverified intarwebz story

Alleged to be comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

  • "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
  • "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
  • "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
  • "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
  • "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
  • "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
  • "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
  • "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
  • "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
  • "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
  • "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
  • "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
  • "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
  • "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
  • "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
  • "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Jeremy R

Nov 15, 2001
behind you with a snap pop
Living here, I have to say all those quotes sound about right.
Two more I can add to the list from my personal experience in high school:

I was pulled out of the back of a CRX late one night holding a cheeseburger and a 40oz of OE.

"Damn son, are you drinking lamp oil?"

Then he made me say my ABC's to see if I was drunk, so I stood tall and belted them out.

"Jesus Christ, I have never heard anybody sing them before like it was the star bangled banner. You are wasted."


Tool Time!
Feb 17, 2002
Nowhere Man!
I wonder if we polled cops in Western MA or Maine if they had ever used those expressions while on the Job the numbers would be rather high. Western MA is the Southern Ohio of New England. Anywhere in Maine also....