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what do you do when the missionaries of jesus christ show up at your door?

Straya

Monkey
Jul 11, 2008
868
3
Straya
Politely say "no thank you".

Second/repeat visits its open season, provided they are the same people and know that you aren't open to a conversation.
 

jdcamb

Tool Time!
Feb 17, 2002
16,587
3,986
Nowhere Man!
accept them as emissaries of god and then explain to them that you just prayed that someone would enter your life and wash the dishes, clean the kitchen, and bathroom. act like its a miracle all the while they are there cleaning. when they finish do a bong hit and crack a beer all while talking dirty to your girlfriend on the phone. they will leave shortly after that....
 
I think that I managed to demonstrate in some fashion that God was the source of all evil.

I think that is why these folks travel in pairs.

There was also an episode many years back in Harvard Square when some chickie with a guitar asked Crazy Phil and I if we "wanted to rap". We proceeded to explain to her why motorcycles were really wondrous manifestations of God and that getting greasy was the surest way to eternal salvation.
 

eric strt6

Resident Curmudgeon
Sep 8, 2001
15,835
5,115
directly above the center of the earth
the best one for me was Back in the 80's. I was expecting my bro's to show up and we were going to get some burritos then catch the Ramones at the Santa Cruz Civic. I was in the shower when the door bell rang so I tossed a towel aroung my waist and went to let them in. Suprise, there stood a 50 something woman with a 19-20 old hottie blonde. my first though was oh **** I got drunk and knocked this one up and she brough her mom. The the older one said...oh my I see we have come at a bad time, let us just leave these broshures [Watchtower] and come back later. I think I said "oh **** Mormons? then I whipped off my towel looked at the hottie and said "you can come in if you want [pause] naw forget it you probably don't F**K and shut the door
 
Feb 1, 2008
56
0
mavisdale,va
this woulda been in the '80's when i wuz a teen.mom n pop were gone,and my lil cuz who lived down below called n said they ("witnesses") were headin up the hollow.

bein about halloween,i grabbed some fake blood packs (oh,yeah,i always stocked up on those),spread em all over me,& a butcher looking knife,waited for em to knock and started making,um...violent and shoutting noises.they knocked louder,i finally came to the door as i saw they were about to turn away.

shocked and in horror at the sight of me,the lady asked if i wuz ok,the dude asked what had happened and explained what he'd heard.i tried my best to hold an emotionless,blank stare as i explained to him that i had played some heavy metal (OBITUARY,i think it wuz) backwards,and heard it chant "kill the family,kill the family,kill the family...",so i had done that,and played it again,and i coulda swore it sounded more like "bill loves emily,bill loves emily,bill loves emily...",and chased em off the property (w/ out the knife).

i remember i had thought that i had to have been the koolest prankster alive...right up till about 7 cop cars showed up (about the time mom n pop did too...don't ya just love how things work out?),pissed as all get out...you can prolly figure how the rest of the night went:imstupid:

BTW,later,when i married my lovely wife...found out that that had been some of her (not close) family that night...oh yes...i'm the favorite inlaw:monkey:
 

Haitiracers

Chimp
May 9, 2005
94
0
Reading, PA
The latest was about a month ago. I opened the door and politely said

me- "I think you've got the wrong house."
older woman and bored looking old dude- "You wouldn't be interested in learning the teachings of the bible"
Me- "Oh hell no"

and shut the door.
 

Kanye West

220# bag of hacktastic
Aug 31, 2006
3,472
187
The industrial/business park I work in has a TON of walk-in salespeople coming through our door, especially in the summer. There are a few weeks there where it got really bad (like many of them each day) and we decided to play games. First we would see if they would just give us stuff. Then we would see how much stuff they would actually buy us with their company card (lunch, etc).

The latest one before they stopped coming altogether was to see how much manual labor we could get them to do for a sale. We could usually see them coming before they came in the door, so someone would get up and play interceptor as they walked in before they could even say anything and they would get brought back to the shop floor, handed a mop/broom/rag and given a chore to do and orders to report back when they were done, and immediately dismissed to start on the chore before they could say a word. It was played as if their sole purpose for being there was to perform swift laborous chores for us. It was glorious.

Back home I never had the pleasure of finding ways to screw with the jesus freaks because my dad would always beat me to it, and he did so in such ways they never EVER dared to come back...
 

DirtyMike

Turbo Fluffer
Aug 8, 2005
14,369
945
My own world inside my head
Ok I need clarification, Are we talking about Missionaries, or are we talking about the representatives of the church of Latter day Saints?


This thread can really turn extremly offensive to alot of the members here that are true belivers.

Please be carefull in what is said.
 

chuffer

Monkey
Sep 2, 2004
810
199
McMinnville, OR
Ok I need clarification, Are we talking about Missionaries, or are we talking about the representatives of the church of Latter day Saints?


This thread can really turn extremly offensive to alot of the members here that are true belivers.

Please be carefull in what is said.
i guess i dont understand the difference. anyone trying to proselytize is completely unwelcome in my home. my belief or lack thereof in your god is my own personal business.
 

Drunken_Ninja

Turbo Monkey
Aug 25, 2002
1,096
0
Hangin' with Riggs and Mertah
Ok I need clarification, Are we talking about Missionaries, or are we talking about the representatives of the church of Latter day Saints?


This thread can really turn extremly offensive to alot of the members here that are true belivers.

Please be carefull in what is said.
well these kids had latter day saints badges but that is how they introduced themselves. I don't suppose people could see the light heartedness in which this thread was meant. I have been enjoying the chemical chain reaction of how it has been taken. Besides I am giving out rep for good stories why can't everyone else!
 
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syadasti

i heart mac
Apr 15, 2002
12,701
290
VT
i guess i dont understand the difference. anyone trying to proselytize is completely unwelcome in my home. my belief or lack thereof in your god is my own personal business.
Far worse than telemarketers, junk mailers, or even spammers.

The worse proselytizing scum I remember in middle school. They where giving out bibles right near where everyone gets on the bus to go home - this was a public school! I remember thinking I should report them to the authorities. I think someone must have because they were only there one day [thank god :D ?]. Hopefully they were charged and fined appropriately :thumb:
 
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DirtyMike

Turbo Fluffer
Aug 8, 2005
14,369
945
My own world inside my head
well these kids had latter day saints badges but that is how they introduced themselves. I don't suppose people could see the light heartedness in which this thread was meant. I have been enjoying the chemical chain reaction of how it has been taken. Besides I am giving out rep for good stories why can't everyone else!
Naw, have fun. Keep funny stories coming, I just wanted to point out to be carefull about what is being said. Some people may not find everything as funny.
 

Slugman

Frankenbike
Apr 29, 2004
4,027
0
Miami, FL
As a teenager I was mowing the lawn and a guy walked up and asked me if I had ever read the bible, told him I was waiting for the movie...

He then asked if I knew the one true word of god, I asked him which version of the "one true word" – Baptist? Episcopalian? Protestant? Catholic? Lutheran? Mormon?

Dude still did didn’t take the clue and continued to try and convince me, so I finally said “get a clue, I’m not interested”. Dude still kept trying at which point my father walked out of the garage, he had been inside working on the chainsaw… which was in his hand, and said “leave (starts chainsaw)… NOW”.

I think both the dude and I pissed our pants… of course for me it was because I was laughing so hard.

I am always polite to them to this day, until they can't take a hint... then I'll be the biggest prick I can.
 

Sherpa

Basking in fail.
Jan 28, 2004
2,240
0
Arkansaw
Far worse than telemarketers, junk mailers, or even spammers.

The worse proselytizing scum I remember in middle school. They where giving out bibles right near where everyone gets on the bus to go home - this was a public school! I remember thinking I should report them to the authorities. I think someone must have because they were only there one day [thank god :D ?]. Hopefully they were charged and fined appropriately :thumb:
Its legal, they do it every year around here.
 

cannondalejunky

ease dropper
Jun 19, 2005
2,928
1
Arkansas
the best one for me was Back in the 80's. I was expecting my bro's to show up and we were going to get some burritos then catch the Ramones at the Santa Cruz Civic. I was in the shower when the door bell rang so I tossed a towel aroung my waist and went to let them in. Suprise, there stood a 50 something woman with a 19-20 old hottie blonde. my first though was oh **** I got drunk and knocked this one up and she brough her mom. The the older one said...oh my I see we have come at a bad time, let us just leave these broshures [Watchtower] and come back later. I think I said "oh **** Mormons? then I whipped off my towel looked at the hottie and said "you can come in if you want [pause] naw forget it you probably don't F**K and shut the door


 

syadasti

i heart mac
Apr 15, 2002
12,701
290
VT
Its legal, they do it every year around here.
Bible distribution on public school property is not legal, its a violation of the establishment clause. Gideon has lost in court in various states and just tends to move around when they get caught and lose.
 
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syadasti

i heart mac
Apr 15, 2002
12,701
290
VT
hey it's Arkansas....you really expect those dumb bastards to have read the constitution?:rofl::rofl:

j/k
That's what they hope for but in the 90s they even lost in places like Indiana, Missouri, Louisiana, etc. If nobody realized it usually the ACLU will step in and set things straight for them :thumb:
 

Sherpa

Basking in fail.
Jan 28, 2004
2,240
0
Arkansaw
Bible distribution on public school property is not legal, its a violation of the establishment clause. Gideon has lost in court in various states and just tends to move around when they get caught and lose.
Actually it's not, not here anyway. Something about it not being during school hours, outside, and the fact schools must allow all religions to be able to hand out material.
 

DirtyMike

Turbo Fluffer
Aug 8, 2005
14,369
945
My own world inside my head
Actually it's not, not here anyway. Something about it not being during school hours, outside, and the fact schools must allow all religions to be able to hand out material.
When I was in Hi school we were told we were not allowed to have our Christian club, because you cannot legally gather on Federal property for religous use. We fought it, we won in teh long run. Some places people seem pretty hardcore about the seperation of church and state
 

Sherpa

Basking in fail.
Jan 28, 2004
2,240
0
Arkansaw
When I was in Hi school we were told we were not allowed to have our Christian club, because you cannot legally gather on Federal property for religous use. We fought it, we won in teh long run. Some places people seem pretty hardcore about the seperation of church and state
Arkansas is not one of the places, I can promise you that.
 

stoney

Part of the unwashed, middle-American horde
Jul 26, 2006
15,370
1,919
Colorado
I've been lucky to avoid it, somehow. Although the other day we were walking down the street talking about talking about a ridiculously slutty girl we know and I was mentioning something about taking it in the ass. There were two guys that we thought were business men (pretty late, about when the investment bankers get home) and one started talking to us. I think is was the comment about anal that got his attention. Once I saw the LDS name tags I ended the conversation promptly by stating, "Now is not a good time. Can't you see that we were talking about putting it in her butt?"
 

JRogers

talks too much
Mar 19, 2002
3,789
1
Claremont, CA
The Jehovah's Witnesses like to come around here fairly often. Gotten a few Mormons too. I listen to their deal for a minute or two (cut them off it it goes too long), take their flyers and send them on their way. No interest in them, but I don't want to be a complete dick. That's all.
 

HOOWAH

Monkey
Sep 16, 2001
105
0
portland, maine USA
I remember coming home one day and my step sister was sitting down at the table with two Jehova Witnesses... Parents kicked them out so fast... She was only 14 or 15 or so...
 

maddog17

Turbo Monkey
Jan 20, 2008
2,784
92
Methuen, Mass. U.S.A.
i tend to ignore the door when the come a callin. when i was a kid, the people who lived on our street had a common goal when they (usually Jehovah's) showed up. the first house on the street would call the next one on the phone to warn them and it would go that way up and down the street. i like Silver's idea on trading literature with them, i'll have to print some up!!
 

Damo

Short One Marshmallow
Sep 7, 2006
4,604
21
French Alps
I have actually called them myself before.

It was in my darkest hour and I would explain to them that all was lost for me, I can hardly differentiate between reality and my drug-induced worlds. I would ask them for help and if they could come by my place and help me. I also explained that because of the drugs, I may not remember even calling them, so they will have to be insistent. I really did need help.

Of course, I may have used my flatmate's name at the time...
 
Ok I need clarification, Are we talking about Missionaries, or are we talking about the representatives of the church of Latter day Saints?


This thread can really turn extremly offensive to alot of the members here that are true belivers.

Please be carefull in what is said.
What distinction are you making? I don't care if they're selling Jesus, Allah or a Holy Goat - I don't have a sign at the bottom of my driveway saying "Please come on in and waste my time."

If I want religious instruction I'll seek it.