[golgiaparatus]

I have a very old friend in Montana that is getting the Sh!t beaten out of her by her husband on a regular basis. She keeps making all these totally rediculous excuses like... "He cant go outside to cool off because we live so close to our family, were getting a new house so I think thats going to be a big help"... WTF!!! IS THAT!!!!

Damn, its so hard to listen to such a good friend tell me about how she can't sit down comfortably because her husband threw her into a wall and she happened to have the bad luck to hit a support beam.

I keep telling her to leave him, take pictures of your bruises and cuts, show them to your family so they can help you. I tell her to get her two little girls and leave that place before he hurts her really bad and it permanently scars her kids but she just keeps making totally outlandish excuses... "Were just a messed up family".

This is making me sick to my stomach Sorry, just needed to rant about it a little.

 

[JRB]

That does suck bro.

 

[narlus]

yeah, that is a totally messed up situation. luckily, i have no experience w/ that, and can't offer any useful advice. obviously yr friend needs to get out of that destructive relationship.

 

[golgiaparatus]

luckily, i have no experience w/ that, and can't offer any useful advice

Hell, I cant either. And I cant do jack chit about it, I'm in Oklahoma and they are in Montana. Otherwise he'd be kissing the business end of a baseball bat. Probably for the better because my actions would probably land me in jail real fuhking quick.

 

[DVNT]

She's gotta WANT to break the cycle of abuse. It's something she has to see for herself.

If she's making excuses like that already and you did step in, she would probably take his side and cover for him anyway.

 

[s1ngletrack]

What a sh1tty situation -not to state the obvious, but there's probably not much you can do about it apart from being there for her when she's ready for a change. I'd be pissed too if I were you.

Maybe if you were to present a (made up) situation to her that paralleled hers closely enough (without soliciting suggested solutions from her - that would be obvious) she would be able to gain perspective on the situation outside of the present context.

 

[binary visions]

She's gotta WANT to break the cycle of abuse. It's something she has to see for herself.

If she's making excuses like that already and you did step in, she would probably take his side and cover for him anyway.

Exactly.

A girl at work has a brother that's in an abusive relationship. Not so much phyiscally, though he often has a split lip or black eye where she slapped or punched him, but she's literally ripped him to pieces mentally. He constantly says he wouldn't ever be able to find anyone better than this stupid piece of white trash who is 23 and has three kids by three different guys, two of whom she never had a relationship with.

His family, friends, everyone has tried to show him this, and he is simply unwilling to see what a horrible relationship he is in. She hits him, mentally abuses him, up and leaves her kids for him to take care of for days at a time... But he doesn't want to see it. If the discussion about his girlfriend gets aggressive ("she's a stupid <insert curse>"), he gets defensive, ends the discussion, and won't talk the person who said it.

The family has tried coming up with hypothetical situations (i.e. "what if it were me and I was being beaten", etc.) to give him a perspective on the situation, and it always comes down to, "but this is different."

It's horrible to be helpless, but sometimes people need to fix things for themselves, or they won't get fixed at all.

 

[golgiaparatus]

What a sh1tty situation -not to state the obvious, but there's probably not much you can do about it apart from being there for her when she's ready for a change. I'd be pissed too if I were you.

Maybe if you were to present a (made up) situation to her that paralleled hers closely enough (without soliciting suggested solutions from her - that would be obvious) she would be able to gain perspective on the situation outside of the present context.

Already tried that crap... its like she's brainwashed and comfortable in her misery... I dont get it, I just dont... I've heard about wives that stick with their abusive husbands for whatever reason but I always looked at them as total idiots or something... this chick is really smart and realistic, and she's totally blinded by her situation. It one of the saddest things I have ever seen.

 

[BikeGeek]

My sister went through this. Your friend needs to get out NOW because it will not stop. It took my sister getting hit by the guy in his car to realize she needed to leave. Your friend will most likely need therapy to help her see that what she was living through was not right and most certainly was not love.

I wish I knew what to tell you to do, but usually any outside attention to the situation will only piss your friend off because in her mind, nothing is wrong. Your best bet is to get the police involved. Tell them you're not local from the start, but also tell them what you know and how you know it and ask what they can do. They may talk to the neighbors for confirmation, or they may go to your friends house on "an anonymous tip."

 

[Knuckleslammer]

Call the cops man. There's no need of anyone laying a finger on anyone for any particular reason. Call womens support groups or whatever they are in Montana. Call the State Police out there and tell them they're gonna have a murder on their hands. Send a letter to the newspaper out there about it. Do whatever it takes. She wont leave dude, trust me. People are sick on the inside whether you can see it or not. My X has a sister, who's husband is in jail for burning her 6 year old son with cigarettes and breaking his nose. She has burns all over her too. He actually got so angry caus she wanted to go with my X out for icecream with the kids that when she got home, he cut his hand off with a tablesaw on purpose. NO_LIE. Control freaks are sick. Do whatever you can man, even if it severs your relationship with her, you could save her life. Better yet, there's a lot of territory up there man. Plenty of places to put a body. Get a crew together for a road trip

Knuck

 

[s1ngletrack]

My sister went through this. Your friend needs to get out NOW because it will not stop. It took my sister getting hit by the guy in his car to realize she needed to leave. Your friend will most likely need therapy to help her see that what she was living through was not right and most certainly was not love.

I wish I knew what to tell you to do, but usually any outside attention to the situation will only piss your friend off because in her mind, nothing is wrong. Your best bet is to get the police involved. Tell them you're not local from the start, but also tell them what you know and how you know it and ask what they can do. They may talk to the neighbors for confirmation, or they may go to your friends house on "an anonymous tip."

This is a good point - it's probably your best bet if you want to see things happen - I'd be careful how you go about it though so that it is not obvious that you initiated things, you don't want to alienate your friend and lose her trust.

 

[s1ngletrack]

Call the cops man. There's no need of anyone laying a finger on anyone for any particular reason. Call womens support groups or whatever they are in Montana. Call the State Police out there and tell them they're gonna have a murder on their hands. Send a letter to the newspaper out there about it. Do whatever it takes. She wont leave dude, trust me. People are sick on the inside whether you can see it or not. My X has a sister, who's husband is in jail for burning her 6 year old son with cigarettes and breaking his nose. She has burns all over her too. He actually got so angry caus she wanted to go with my X out for icecream with the kids that when she got home, he cut his hand off with a tablesaw on purpose. NO_LIE. Control freaks are sick. Do whatever you can man, even if it severs your relationship with her, you could save her life. Better yet, there's a lot of territory up there man. Plenty of places to put a body. Get a crew together for a road trip

Knuck

Montana's not too far from Denver - I've got a sawzall and a shovel. Sh1t, I could probably save enough on food for my 2 mastiffs that it would pay for the gas to and from, if we brought a cooler and some ice along...

 

[El Jefe]

Appeal to her love for the kids. Ask her if she would like to see her daughters treated the same way. Point out that she is setting an example for them, and that she is basically setting them up to find the same type of abusive partners later in life.

After you tell her that, tell her that you understand her husband is sick and needs help. Showing some empathy for the guy, even if it is contrived, may help open her ears to suggestions from you. Continue talking to her, but not about the abuse. Just about life. If she feels like bringing it up again, she will. If you press her on the issues, she'll retreat and start lying about it.

Here's the toughest part- Call the DCS and make a child endangerment report. It is your responsibility to do so. If you can't protect her, at least protect the kids. Describe in detail what she's told you about the abuse. You need to get the law involved regardless of the risk to your friendship. There is also a risk that the husband will lash out against her, but it's a risk that is necessary IMO. If he's beating the sh!t out of her now, it will only get worse, and you as a friend, as a concerned citizen, need to stand up for her. One of these days he could kill her, or the kids. Make the call.

 

[golgiaparatus]

This is a good point - it's probably your best bet if you want to see things happen - I'd be careful how you go about it though so that it is not obvious that you initiated things, you don't want to alienate your friend and lose her trust.

She's scared, I think, that she wont be able to support herself and her kids. I know she doesn't love him, she's said so, she hates him. Anyway, I'm trying to let it go... there is nothing I can do about it at this point. She really believes that they are going to get a new house, move away from his parents and things will get better (right now they are living in a house that his parents own that is next door to his parents). There is nothing I can say to her because she is totally set on the idea that moving away from his parents will fix the problem She wont realize that she is wrong until he beats her up again... Though I hope, very much, that she is right.

 

[Inclag]

This is a really ****ty situation and I'm not really sure if there is much you can do besides trying to get the local cops involved.

I had an aunt who was once in a relationship that, although nobody in our immediate family can prove, was most likely violent from what I knew when I was younger and from what my parents have told me now. The result is my aunt is mentally unstable and has to take medications to basically keep her sane and rational, but the saddest part of all of it is that her two kids/my cousins had to deal with it at a young and impressionable age and it has had some serious negative affects on both of them.

Hopefuly your friend realizes what she has to do and leave that asshat before she gets hurt again.

 

[TreeSaw]

She's scared, I think, that she wont be able to support herself and her kids. I know she doesn't love him, she's said so, she hates him. Anyway, I'm trying to let it go... there is nothing I can do about it at this point. She really believes that they are going to get a new house, move away from his parents and things will get better (right now they are living in a house that his parents own that is next door to his parents). There is nothing I can say to her because she is totally set on the idea that moving away from his parents will fix the problem She wont realize that she is wrong until he beats her up again... Though I hope, very much, that she is right.

Whatever you do, please don't "let it go" because there is something you can do about it. You can keep reminding her how much you care about her and her daughters and how scared you are for them. Be there for her...eventually she will realize (hopefully) what he's doing is wrong and that's when she's really going to need a good friend!

 

[golgiaparatus]

Whatever you do, please don't "let it go" because there is something you can do about it. You can keep reminding her how much you care about her and her daughters and how scared you are for them. Be there for her...eventually she will realize (hopefully) what he's doing is wrong and that's when she's really going to need a good friend!

Sorry, I didnt mean to say that I was going to forget the whole thing... there's just nothing I can do about it now. She's locked in on this "moving will help" thing. And yes I have tried to make her see it from her kids view and I have tried to use ker love for her children to make her see and I will continue if it happens again (and I'm sure it will) but as of now she's like a brick wall... she's going to see what happens after they move and that is that. I have told her that she has my supprt and can call me ANYTIME if she needs a friend to talk to. RIght now though I have to let it go, the whole situation is kicking my ass... I have massive adrenalin rushes everytime I think about it and It's starting to really bother me.

 

[JSB]

Well, my brother just went through a divorce because his wife he was married to for 3 months was psycho crazy. She would throw anything she could at him. It's been a year and she still calls him at work, and she calls my parents too. Anyway, before you posted her money situation, I was going to say she probably feels like she couldn't make it with out him. Or she feels like as long as he is beating on her, he won't beat her girls. Being a parent I could understand that, but she has to get help. You need to make her feel like there is help for her, and she won't be on the streets. One thing that would help if she did get a divorce, is that she could prove the kids are in danger around him. That would help out with having custody issues or having to leave the kids with him. Proof is the key. I bet it would be hard to have to interact with him in the custody arrangement. Unfortunately, if the cops don't see the abuse, they most likely won't do anything unless she presses charges. That will still just piss him off while he post bail. It's a very delicate situation, and I hope she can survive it.

 

[El Jefe]

She's scared, I think, that she wont be able to support herself and her kids. I know she doesn't love him, she's said so, she hates him. Anyway, I'm trying to let it go... there is nothing I can do about it at this point. She really believes that they are going to get a new house, move away from his parents and things will get better (right now they are living in a house that his parents own that is next door to his parents). There is nothing I can say to her because she is totally set on the idea that moving away from his parents will fix the problem She wont realize that she is wrong until he beats her up again... Though I hope, very much, that she is right.

They live next door to his parents? Holy crap! Get them involved! Call his parents and tell them that their son is either moving out and supporting his wife and kids, or he is going to jail for a long long time, no ifs ands or buts about it. Then call DCS, and get the number ready for the local police, and the district attorney. Do a little legwork in finding women's domestic abuse resource ph #'s, and maybe try to contact her parents as well. People hate to hear bad news, and most people hate to give it. But would you rather call the parents of this guy and girl and tell them about the problem now, or call and tell her parents she's in the hospital or dead?

In the words of Starsky, (undercover) DO IT!.

 

[Megan Black]

I agree with Treesaw, there IS something you can do about it!

and I'm with El Jefe on what to do. Trying to convince her about it is obviously a lost cause but those kids aren't being protected!! If they haven't already had this dude's hand turned on them, THEY WILL and even if they don't, they have still suffered emotional abuse from being in that home.

Please, please call CPS or SOMETHING, I have been way to close to children who have been abused to not say this!!!!

EDIT: oh, and screw what SHE says, if she is unable to protect her children, then she needs to step aside and let someone else. you don't even have to tell her you called CPS...

 

[JSB]

They live next door to his parents? Holy crap! Get them involved! Call his parents and tell them that their son is either moving out and supporting his wife and kids, or he is going to jail for a long long time, no ifs ands or buts about it. Then call DCS, and get the number ready for the local police, and the district attorney. Do a little legwork in finding women's domestic abuse resource ph #'s, and maybe try to contact her parents as well. People hate to hear bad news, and most people hate to give it. But would you rather call the parents of this guy and girl and tell them about the problem now, or call and tell her parents she's in the hospital or dead?

In the words of Starsky, (undercover) DO IT!.

Unless his parents are screwed up too, and support their son. What if they tell him she's saying these horrible things about him, and he freaks out on her. That could back fire, with them saying crap like well what are you doing to make him hit you? But the flip side is they could be supportive of their daughter in law.

 

[El Jefe]

...there's just nothing I can do about it now. ...RIght now though I have to let it go...

BS. She's scared of him and addicted to the abuse. As a friend it's your responsibility to make the calls necessary to get her help. Yes, if you do, you may lose her as a friend, but if you don't, you're risking her health and that of her daughters. There are resources out there that can help her see the abuse for what it is. Get in touch with the people / departments I listed above, and at least give her another shot at getting out.

 

[El Jefe]

Unless his parents are screwed up too, and support their son. What if they tell him she's saying these horrible things about him, and he freaks out on her. That could back fire, with them saying crap like well what are you doing to make him hit you? But the flip side is they could be supportive of their daughter in law.

I'm sure that is often the case, and perhaps he learned the behavior from them, but bringing it to light is important, especially if down the road there are arrests / police reports etc... They need to know, regardless of their reaction.

 

[golgiaparatus]

BS. She's scared of him and addicted to the abuse. As a friend it's your responsibility to make the calls necessary to get her help. Yes, if you do, you may lose her as a friend, but if you don't, you're risking her health and that of her daughters. There are resources out there that can help her see the abuse for what it is. Get in touch with the people / departments I listed above, and at least give her another shot at getting out.

Dude I am on the other side of the country. I can't contact his parents or her parents (According to her they have been involved previously and forced them into family therapy). I am in contact only with her through e-mail and phone. She's not giving me her parents number either I have tried (in a sneaky fashion), she knows damn well what I'd do with it.

As for DHS, you need to realize this... he's not beating their kids otherwise they would be involved already, I tried to get DHS involved already. My mother works for them as a shrink and was the first person I went to with this. She told me this, DHS wont do anything if he is beating his wife unless she either presses charges or he is seen abusing her by police... and even then they cant hold him for long unless she presses charges.

Thanks for making me feel like total sh!t though

 

[golgiaparatus]

I'm sure that is often the case, and perhaps he learned the behavior from them, but bringing it to light is important, especially if down the road there are arrests / police reports etc... They need to know, regardless of their reaction.

His parents are apparently VERY messed up.

 

[El Jefe]

Dude I am on the other side of the country. I can't contact his parents or her parents (According to her they have been involved previously and forced them into family therapy). I am in contact only with her through e-mail and phone. She's not giving me her parents number either I have tried (in a sneaky fashion), she knows damn well what I'd do with it.

As for DHS, you need to realize this. He's not beating her kids otherwise they would be involved already because my mother works for them as a shrink and was the first person I went to with this. She told me this, DHS wont do anything if he is beating his wife unless she either presses charges or he is seen abusing her by police... and even then they cant hold him for long unless she presses charges.

Thanks for making me feel like total sh!t though

I guess it's a little different here in CA. When there's abuse in the home, DCS will come out and take a look if it's reported. I didn't want to make you feel like sh!t, but I wouldn't just give up.

 

[golgiaparatus]

I guess it's a little different here in CA. When there's abuse in the home, DCS will come out and take a look if it's reported. I didn't want to make you feel like sh!t, but I wouldn't just give up.

I dont know, I thought it was the same all over the country. And I'm not going to give up on trying to get her to leave him and get her kids out of there. My goal from the beginning was to get her to go to her parents who got involved last time when he clocked her in the jaw and gave her a black eye... anyway I have been dealing with this for the last 3 hours trying to get her to see the light, I am throwint in the towel for now, she has put up a wall that I cant penetrate.

 

[s1ngletrack]

Dude I am on the other side of the country. I can't contact his parents or her parents (According to her they have been involved previously and forced them into family therapy). I am in contact only with her through e-mail and phone. She's not giving me her parents number either I have tried (in a sneaky fashion), she knows damn well what I'd do with it.

As for DHS, you need to realize this... he's not beating their kids otherwise they would be involved already, I tried to get DHS involved already. My mother works for them as a shrink and was the first person I went to with this. She told me this, DHS wont do anything if he is beating his wife unless she either presses charges or he is seen abusing her by police... and even then they cant hold him for long unless she presses charges.

Thanks for making me feel like total sh!t though

Have you tried getting all Magnum PI on it? - if you have just a bit of info, it is pretty easy to track down almost anyone (her parents) using the internet and a bit of social engineering.

 

[MudGrrl]

Golgi: Keep trying to get through to her.


I know it is hard. You are saving her life, do all that you can think of (without getting yourself thrown into jail).


I have an ex......there is a reason why he is an ex.
He threw me into walls, tried choking me, gave me a black eye, pushed me down the stairs, burned me with a cigarette, threw stuff at me, destroyed my posessions, kneed me in the chest.....
and the straw that broke the camel's back...

that fawker kicked my beloved dog across the living room.

I was so down on myself that I didn't think I could make it alone. I was basically separated from my family (he had convinced me that my family didn't care). Nobody would want me. Hell, I probably deserved some of it, right??

Nobody deserves to be abused. People who love you don't give you stitches, bruises, or breaks.


She is so deep into psychological torture right now, it's gonna take a lot of :heart: to get her out. Do what you can.

When they get to the new house, separated from the family, it's going to get a LOT worse. She will be more isolated (physically and psychologically) than she ever has been.

The last time I saw my ex was when he was in handcuffs.

I am now in a caring relationship...there is no yelling...no hitting...............I am a very lucky girl. I also make more money than I thought I would..so no worries about support.

 

[dhtahoe]

Man I knew/knew a woman that I dated for awhile. She ended up back with him because she thought he "changed". I don't get it..........

 

[escapeartist]

Call her family, mother. father, brother, sister, whoever. If anyone cares it should be them. They might be able to talk some sense into her.

 

[tmx]

Golgi: Keep trying to get through to her.


I know it is hard. You are saving her life, do all that you can think of (without getting yourself thrown into jail).


I have an ex......there is a reason why he is an ex.
He threw me into walls, tried choking me, gave me a black eye, pushed me down the stairs, burned me with a cigarette, threw stuff at me, destroyed my posessions, kneed me in the chest.....
and the straw that broke the camel's back...

that fawker kicked my beloved dog across the living room.

I was so down on myself that I didn't think I could make it alone. I was basically separated from my family (he had convinced me that my family didn't care). Nobody would want me. Hell, I probably deserved some of it, right??

Nobody deserves to be abused. People who love you don't give you stitches, bruises, or breaks.


She is so deep into psychological torture right now, it's gonna take a lot of :heart: to get her out. Do what you can.

When they get to the new house, separated from the family, it's going to get a LOT worse. She will be more isolated (physically and psychologically) than she ever has been.

The last time I saw my ex was when he was in handcuffs.

I am now in a caring relationship...there is no yelling...no hitting...............I am a very lucky girl. I also make more money than I thought I would..so no worries about support.

Wow. Props for making it out. Did you have a friend(s) like golgi; in turmoil over your situation trying to convince you to leave the relationship to save your life? If so, what was it like for you when your loved one's tried to urge you away from the abuser you remained committed to? Would you agree with the thought that golgi should get in touch with the various authorities?

Golgi, wishing you and your friend strength and peace.

 

[dante]

Golgi, wishing you and your friend strength and peace.

or at least a decent alibi. and a shovel...

I agree with the others, though, you can really only be there for her when she comes to the realization that she has to leave. find friends in the area that she can stay with, if need be. really the only thing that might work would be an intervention...

I hate abusive people...

 

[flatulant_man]

yeah, that is a totally messed up situation. luckily, i have no experience w/ that, and can't offer any useful advice. obviously yr friend needs to get out of that destructive relationship.

i don't have any experience either. However, i think that if it's bad enough and you're really getting worried, you should do something about it. call the cops, or buy them some counceling. Cuz if they are a "messed up family," then their kids are at risk, and so is her well-being.

 

[Wumpus]

Maybe these folks can be of help.

http://www.mcadsv.com/index.php?name=PP-CPS

 

[golgiaparatus]

When they get to the new house, separated from the family, it's going to get a LOT worse. She will be more isolated (physically and psychologically) than she ever has been..

Thats what I keep telling her, but apparently most of their fights come from issues that revolve around his family being around ALL the time and trying to control their lives.

I have told her that it may get better for a short period of time but as soon as the new house high goes away it will start all over. I feel that Jen will see the light but she's trying to ehxause all possible fixes first... I think she's being too optimistic. Every time I talk to her I try to bring it up and kind of get her thinking. It so much easier to get her to see my side of it soon after he has hit her, but the anger that she has seems to dissipate so fast... especially this last time because right afterwards he offered to buy "her" a house so she is focused solely on that.

Maybe I should concentrate on getting her to call me while she's at her parents house . Actually thats a damn good idea... one day if she calls me up from her parents house I'll tell her that her phone is getting horrible reception and she should call me on a land line... bam, she calls me from her parents house so next time they get into a fight and he busts her hip or whatever I can drop the dime on his ass to her dad (her dad and I got along really well when I went up there a few years back, I bet I can get him to listen to me). YES!!!! What an Idea I have just had... GO ME!!!!

 

[TreeSaw]

Maybe I should concentrate on getting her to call me while she's at her parents house . Actually thats a damn good idea... one day if she calls me up from her parents house I'll tell her that her phone is getting horrible reception and she should call me on a land line... bam, she calls me from her parents house so next time they get into a fight and he busts her hip or whatever I can drop the dime on his ass to her dad (her dad and I got along really well when I went up there a few years back, I bet I can get him to listen to me). YES!!!! What an Idea I have just had... GO ME!!!!

Ooooo....sneaky! I hope it works out!

 

[bigginsis]

I like the idea of getting in touch with HER parents. Can you call them without her being there? I mean if you have their number...there's a chance your friend will be very angry that you interfered BUT **if she's telling you this she is asking you for help**. So maybe start to enlist anyone you can - does she have sisters or brothers? It's a big job helping someone with a problem like that - I've been there myself - but sometimes you just have to butt in and take a chance.
if you are not geographically near her, social services nor the police will be much help.

 

[golgiaparatus]

I like the idea of getting in touch with HER parents. Can you call them without her being there? I mean if you have their number...there's a chance your friend will be very angry that you interfered BUT **if she's telling you this she is asking you for help**. So maybe start to enlist anyone you can - does she have sisters or brothers? It's a big job helping someone with a problem like that - I've been there myself - but sometimes you just have to butt in and take a chance.
if you are not geographically near her, social services nor the police will be much help.

I dont have thir number currently and I have no way of getting it unless she tells me what it is. I do however know her parents from when my GF and I visited her back in like 95-96.

Yeah I know about the social services/police thing, I have already asked an expert what she thinks and she thought I was best to go through her family.

I'm going to try to get her to call me sometime from her parents land line so I catch the number on my cell phone's "incoming calls" list. Then next time she calls me and says that he left marks on her I'll just call them and be like, go see your daughter... make sure you make her show you her hip. I know her parents have been involved before, Jen told her family when it was going on last year or something (well before I knew about it) and they threatened him and made them get counseling. Anyway, so I know they would intervene(sp) if the knew it was happening again. I m pretty sure she is keeping it from them.

Seriously, yesterday I was so upset about the whole think that if I had seen Brandon (her husb) I could have probably put myself away for life for what I would have done to him. I'm glad they live in Montana for that reason.

 

[s1ngletrack]

If you're comfortable with it - PM me with her parents names and where they live - I'll get a # for you, seriously. If you're not okay with that - that's cool too, I understand.