[mandown]

I paid for a month of match.com, but seemed to have tapped out on the chick mining experience with time left on the clock. Now it is time to have some fun. You write my profile "about me" text and I'll post the best ones. Make up anything you want and I'll submit it for approval and posting. They do some screening, probably for key words like "murder" and "futanaria" so keep that in mind. If I get any awesome replies, I'll post them here.

 

[Straya]

This is gonna be good. What about profile pics?

 

[trib]

Looking for love with a LADY, after spending the last 6 summers at a pray for the gay camp I have finally driven out the gay demon inside me and am looking to meet the right lady for me. I like girls with short hair, athletic build and who share my love for baseball and ice hocky.

I have night terrors and sometimes I start crying at random points during the day, some people say it gives me a mysterious edge, much like Edward from twilight, although I'd much rather be Jacob, he's quite dreamy.

P.S. if you do chose to get in contact and eventually meet me ignore my neighbor, I didn't kill his dog, it's a misunderstanding

 

[Pesqueeb]

 

[ICEBALL585]

You could always go with something like this...

 

[JohnE]

The details of my life are quite inconsequential...very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it...

Naah...they would never buy it.

 

[insanitylevel9]

so far trib has the best one.

 

[johnbryanpeters]

You might take it as a sign of desperation that I am trolling a pick-up site for someone with whom to exchange bodily fluids. Far from it! It is not safe to frequent bars or steam baths looking for a being to strip of fabric, roll in buttered jello and play like a bass flute. No, there is sweat and the vapor of alcohol and tobacco which will not touch my lips; it is rather in the pure sphere of the intarwebz that an unfettered soul may be sought for innocent but inspired debauchery. Being wrapped in bacon and devoured slowly might take getting used to as a concept, but is withal a path to true deliverance.

 

[Pesqueeb]

You might take it as a sign of desperation that I am trolling a pick-up site for someone with whom to exchange bodily fluids. Far from it! It is not safe to frequent bars or steam baths looking for a being to strip of fabric, roll in buttered jello and play like a bass flute. No, there is sweat and the vapor of alcohol and tobacco which will not touch my lips; it is rather in the pure sphere of the intarwebz that an unfettered soul may be sought for innocent but inspired debauchery. Being wrapped in bacon and devoured slowly might take getting used to as a concept, but is withal a path to true deliverance.

So......JBP...... What are you doing later?

 

[4130biker]

This is hilarious, but I don't think I know you enough to make something truly funny. Anyway, great idea, I will continue lurking now.

 

[gonefirefightin]

it takes years of practice to shape and mold a profile narrative that really brings them in, trust me

but I wrote this little diddy a while back

 

[mandown]

Weiner!

...as I suspected would happen.

it takes years of practice to shape and mold a profile narrative that really brings them in, trust me

but I wrote this little diddy a while back

 

[Serial Midget]

 

[blackohio]

I would go simple.

We'll go to a hometown buffet and i have silk sheets.

 

[trib]

I definitely don't black out and poop my pants when I get erections.

Works on it's own or as an addition to my previous post. I think I prefer it on it's own, keep them guessing

 

[mandown]

I do need simple tag lines for the intro and fun hobbies and "likes" too.

 

[mandown]

I have submitted a hybrid of all of the above for Match.com approval. Please hold for hilarity.

 

[gonefirefightin]

Bump......I want to see this train wreck

 

[DirtMcGirk]

Let me go get a few drinks in me after a 6 mile run, I'll come up with something.

Can you use the term "ass hattery" on Match without it getting censored?

 

[mandown]

I'll poke it in there o see if it will fly. I guess if it is "asshattery" it might get by.

 

[DirtMcGirk]

Alright. Let me get some bourbon in me. Time for an all out **** fest.

 

[blackohio]

I said this to some woman in jest on Facebook today.

" I came to realize all pussy essentially feels the same, so what it's wrapped in is irrelevant, just as long as the thing on the shoulders doesn't make you want to choke it any desire to seek a model is merely for the approval of others. It says to me, I care what you think, enough to deal with this vain, retarded cunt whose only contribution to life is making herself look better so she can make more money.""

She said I was the least attractive man she's ever known.

I retorted with "wait, so saying that I'm not hung up on what society says is attractive and perpetuating the idea that all women must look a certain way to be attractive, I'm in-fact the least attractive man you've encountered.

case-in-point, women are in-fact dumber than dogs. I might take a wholly unorthodox approach but if you sift (that means to isolate that which is most important or useful.) You'll see that my points are good even if its cloaked in foul language.

But because women take an emotional reaction to everything I should have known you wouldn't get it."


if you could work any of those points in that would be great.

 

[stevew]

I have submitted a hybrid of all of the above for Match.com approval. Please hold for hilarity.

don't forget.....

i prefer my ladies beaver to be untamed with a hearty.....musky scent.

 

[gonefirefightin]

just a note:

my current online profile narrative is a culmination of several years and even paid written services that has developed into a novel-esque type of read. it has proven to be a true pantie gusher with all the additives.

on a typical day I will get 20-30 messages a day locally (depending on where is set my location and usually a dozen a day from all over the country

 

[DirtMcGirk]

Are you shooting for panty dropping, or setting off federal alarm bells?

And tell me a little about yourself, its better if I pander my bullsh!t in some sort of reality.

 

[mandown]

I'm giving you the creative choice. Bring forth the Dirty McGirkyness!

 

[jackalope]

I would strongly suggest drawing comparisons between yourself and Lex Steele, as well as Lex Luthor (i.e. the mind and body).

 

[ICEBALL585]

Straight forward and to the point

 

[DirtMcGirk]

How do you feel about the most delicious breakfast cereal in all the land: fruity Trix? How you answer that question will tell me all I need to know about you as a person.

Hello, my name is Tim. Thanks a lot for taking the time to read my profile and consider all of the possibilities that would occur between the two of us.

I am a simple man with fairly simple desires and requirements in a woman. First, a little about me...

1. I am a 28 year old virgin who is a father of two. I was married to a woman for 98 hours, we met one afternoon at the methadone clinic. It was a whirlwind romance, as I am a bit of a hopeless romantic. So within a week we were married and I had adopted her two kids. But around the end of day 4 she assaulted me with a baseball bat with nails through it. Needless to say we divorced, and she went into the big house. But I am also now the father of her kids, orangejello and t-a (ta-dash-a).

2. I now only date redheaded or as the common vernacular would say "ginger" women. My grandfather was Francis Galton, the father of the movement known as eugenics. It is our family's stead fast view that the "ginger gene" is an inferior and cursed gene, and it was my grandfather's sacred charge that my 11 brothers and I take to the work of eliminating it from the gene pool. As such, I only copulate and date with redheaded lasses. I know that I do not have this cursed recessive gene anywhere in my heritage, so I must do my best to help love this curse out of the common gene pool.

3. I have been diagnosed as a compulsive masturbator. Its a stress reaction that came from my grandmother catching me masturbating one night and as a result beating me severely and torturing my genitals. Its a horrible affliction, and I am hoping I can meet a redhead who can tolerate my 18 time a day or more curse.

4. I have also been diagnosed with PTSD from my time in the Peace Corps. I saw some horrible things in my time in Brussels. I prefer not to talk about them, but from time to time I have a PTSD reaction, loose control of my bowels, and then tend to rub it into my hair. It was the only way to protect myself from a Belge with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. He thought he was Lex Luthor, and would routinely chase me around with his underage prostitute bride. Its not something I am comfortable talking about.


So about you, or what it is that I am looking for in a woman.

1. You have to be a redhead.
2. I would prefer you were no taller than 5'4", and have nothing larger than a D cup.
3. You must wash yourself at least 4 times a day.
4. No north eastern accents.
5. No more junkies, addicts, or tea party members.
6. You must be willing to sign a "sex contract" with me. Please email me for further details.
7. You can not be from Brussels.


My mother tells me I really am a catch. So does my parole officer. I think you'd really enjoy taking a chance with me. I know on paper I might read "a little rough" but I am worth the risk.




edit: I forgot to mention that I have a fetish for "Plushies." I am unable to achieve an erection without you wearing either a Smurfette or female skunk plush head, along with leather lingerie. I should have mentioned that earlier.

 

[AngryMetalsmith]

How do you feel about the most delicious breakfast cereal in all the land: fruity Trix? How you answer that question will tell me all I need to know about you as a person.

Hello, my name is Tim. Thanks a lot for taking the time to read my profile and consider all of the possibilities that would occur between the two of us.

I am a simple man with fairly simple desires and requirements in a woman. First, a little about me...

1. I am a 28 year old virgin who is a father of two. I was married to a woman for 98 hours, we met one afternoon at the methadone clinic. It was a whirlwind romance, as I am a bit of a hopeless romantic. So within a week we were married and I had adopted her two kids. But around the end of day 4 she assaulted me with a baseball bat with nails through it. Needless to say we divorced, and she went into the big house. But I am also now the father of her kids, orangejello and t-a (ta-dash-a).

2. I now only date redheaded or as the common vernacular would say "ginger" women. My grandfather was Francis Galton, the father of the movement known as eugenics. It is our family's stead fast view that the "ginger gene" is an inferior and cursed gene, and it was my grandfather's sacred charge that my 11 brothers and I take to the work of eliminating it from the gene pool. As such, I only copulate and date with redheaded lasses. I know that I do not have this cursed recessive gene anywhere in my heritage, so I must do my best to help love this curse out of the common gene pool.

3. I have been diagnosed as a compulsive masturbator. Its a stress reaction that came from my grandmother catching me masturbating one night and as a result beating me severely and torturing my genitals. Its a horrible affliction, and I am hoping I can meet a redhead who can tolerate my 18 time a day or more curse.

4. I have also been diagnosed with PTSD from my time in the Peace Corps. I saw some horrible things in my time in Brussels. I prefer not to talk about them, but from time to time I have a PTSD reaction, loose control of my bowels, and then tend to rub it into my hair. It was the only way to protect myself from a Belge with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. He thought he was Lex Luthor, and would routinely chase me around with his underage prostitute bride. Its not something I am comfortable talking about.


So about you, or what it is that I am looking for in a woman.

1. You have to be a redhead.
2. I would prefer you were no taller than 5'4", and have nothing larger than a D cup.
3. You must wash yourself at least 4 times a day.
4. No north eastern accents.
5. No more junkies, addicts, or tea party members.
6. You must be willing to sign a "sex contract" with me. Please email me for further details.
7. You can not be from Brussels.


My mother tells me I really am a catch. So does my parole officer. I think you'd really enjoy taking a chance with me. I know on paper I might read "a little rough" but I am worth the risk.




edit: I forgot to mention that I have a fetish for "Plushies." I am unable to achieve an erection without you wearing either a Smurfette or female skunk plush head, along with leather lingerie. I should have mentioned that earlier.

Might want to change that to ," wish to copulate...".

 

[DirtMcGirk]

Might want to change that to ," wish to copulate...".

I like the idea that its going to confuse them. Its like "are you smart enough to catch this..."