[clancy98]

http://objective.jesussave.us/kidz.html

specifically, look at the giraffe quiz. I guess I didn't know that T-Rex was an herbivore.... hmmm....

oh, and if you see an atheist, run and TELL AN ADULT

 

[reflux]

omg. wow.

 

[clancy98]

How To Be A Mall Missionary

Shoppers deluded by Secular Consumerism wandering a mall in a futile search for spiritual fulfillment. In our society - immersed as it is in the cultural war with Secularism - perhaps the most important mission a Christian can undertake is to spread the Gospel to those who are being shielded from its Truth. This is what the Mall Mission intends to do. We will go into the dank belly of the Secular beast and pull out those it has swallowed, delivering them into the daylight of Salvation. Using the best tools available - the Word of the Lord, inspired witnessing, and informational pamphlets - We will bring to those unfortunates the Good News that they are not mere "consumers", that they are instead children of the Lord.

There are many types of "consumers" you will meet at the mall, and each require a different missioning technique to help them become ex-consumers. Some of the more common are:

Normal Shopper
Average everyday shoppers in the process of building their collection of material objects. The soft sell is best with these folks. Chat them up about their life and if they feel satisfied. Casually mention that you don't subscribe to "consumerism", but avoid the word "Secular" since it might scare them off. Offer them pamphlets only if they express dissatisfaction. Be friendly and steer the conversation so that you can invite them to your Church.

Holiday Shopper
These people are caught up in the "holiday spirit" - AKA Secular brainwashing - and will be very unresponsive to non-Secular-Consumerism ideas. This brainwashing is supported by the use of music and decorations in malls to tap into hypnotic suggestions placed by Secular culture in people's minds over the last few decades during childhood. Some of these people will be nominally Christian - having been led astray from the Lord into the pseudo-Christianity of Secular Consumerism - and you will be able to reason them out of their consumeristic stupor by noting the lack of Christ in their supposed Christmas. The others will be non-Christian and probably antagonistic towards the Truth of the Lord due to further Secular brainwashing. Use a similar approach of asking them if they feel satisfied, but don't take yes for an answer. Press them on the issue, they will soon admit that they feel empty. Now ask them why they are celebrating "Christmas" if they aren't Christians. This will bring them great consternation and they will be unable to provide a reasonable answer. This is your opening to explain the Secular Consumerism agenda and how they can't fill the void they feel with possessions, but only with the Love of the Lord. At this point they will be very emotionally vulnerable and may break down in tears, so be sure to have Kleenex on hand. Finish up by giving them pamphlets and inviting them to your Church.

Last Minute Shoppers
Almost exclusively male. These shoppers are harried and often confused and consequently will be more susceptible to Secular programming. The pressure to consume will have them at a breaking point. Use a very hard sell, appealing to their desire for release from the slavery of Consumerism, and they can be easily snapped. The closer to December 25, the more likely they will be to completely abandon their Secular Consumer lifestyle on the spot. If you are targeting these lost souls, be sure to bring a van so that you can take them back to your Church for counseling and emergency baptisms.

Teens
Called "Mall Rats" in their nihilistic Secular culture, they can often be found hanging around malls after public school doing nothing constructive. Teens paradoxically desire to be "different" but also to fit in. Use this contradiction to your advantage by pointing out how all the people around them are "tools to Secularism" while offering them the chance to join in the Love of Christ. Emphasize "coolness" of Jesus and offer "Radical Salvation". Secularized teens usually can't read too well, so hand out colorful stickers instead of pamphlets.

Mall Walkers
Perhaps the saddest of the bunch, senior citizens who have been abandoned by their Secularized family and youth-orientated Secular jobs who spend all their time circling malls under the deluded pretense of getting exercise. While they tend to not purchase things, they have still been indoctrinated to think that there is no other place for them to go in their twilight years except the Temple of Secular Consumerism. Let them know that instead of being Mall Walkers, they can be Church Walkers! Your Church can offer these pathetic and lonely people much more comfort than the cold, heartless mall can.



SNIP -- WAY too much nuttiness to post, but later:


What will happen if your activity is spotted? You will probably be approached by Mall Security. Mall security officers - modern day centurions patrolling their own little bit of the Secular Roman Empire - are nothing to fear. They have no real powers and are unarmed.





I love it...

 

[Ciaran]

"the mall's law is not God's Law."

That web site is just scary. Talk about lunatics!

I'm christian, and those folks aren't on my side!

 

[Silver]

It's a spoof. Gotta be a spoof...

 

[chicodude]

Hopsiah the Kanga-Jew

 

[jaydee]

Man,that is just too scary. I don't think it's any kind of spoof, unfortunately. Fundamentalist furballs are alive and preaching and voting in the USA. No wonder there is a holy war going on between Islam and Christianity. Ignorance and racism abound on both sides. Is there really any difference between this crap and the kind of crap that fundamentalist Muslims are feeding their children to turn them into suicidal killing machines?

 

[jaydee]

I'd email these dangerous lunatics about what I think of their idiocy, but I don't want them getting my email address.

 

[Westy]

If you find an Atheist in your neighborhood,
TELL A PARENT OR PASTOR RIGHT AWAY!

You may be moved to try and witness to
these poor lost souls yourself, however
AVOID TALKING TO THEM!

Atheists are often very grumpy and bitter and will lash out at children or they may even try to trick you into neglecting God's Word

Sounds good to me. I don't want those stinking kids near me anyway!

 

[Toshi]

It's a spoof. Gotta be a spoof...

yup. it's funny that they link to landover baptist in an attempt to gain legitimacy

 

[Westy]

This is priceless

Were Neanderthals the "monkey men" Evolutionists keep talking about?

No! Neanderthals were humans with abnormal bone growth due to very advanced age and Flood-Cloud-related rickets!

Best use of the internet ever. There is a true genius behind it.

 

[Silver]

Man,that is just too scary. I don't think it's any kind of spoof, unfortunately. Fundamentalist furballs are alive and preaching and voting in the USA. No wonder there is a holy war going on between Islam and Christianity. Ignorance and racism abound on both sides. Is there really any difference between this crap and the kind of crap that fundamentalist Muslims are feeding their children to turn them into suicidal killing machines?

It's a spoof. Way too well done to be a fundamentalist site.

Anyways, in the spirit of your post, I give you a recent quote from someone who is not a spoof:

"I'm trying to find the correct name for it ... this utter absolute, asinine, idiotic stupidity of men marrying men. ... I've never seen a man in my life I wanted to marry. And I'm gonna be blunt and plain; if one ever looks at me like that, I'm gonna kill him and tell God he died."—Televangelist Jimmy Swaggart—in a September 2004 television broadcast.

http://www.logcabin.org/logcabin/talking_points_radical_right_quotes.html

 

[jaydee]

If it's a spoof, it's a pretty thorough one. All the links I tried from the site went to religious christian sites, and when I googled around, they were real sites. Either someone has a very bizarre sense of humor and lots of time to play, or this is just authentically wacko.

 

[jaydee]

But you're right, Silver. There's enough to worry about with wingnuts like Swaggart running around without having to look much farther for discriminatory ignorance. Maybe god will invite him up for a talk soon; the sooner the better. Though if I was religious, I'd bet that it isn't god he'll be getting an appointment with when he leaves.

 

[dan-o]

If it's a spoof, it's a pretty thorough one. All the links I tried from the site went to religious christian sites, and when I googled around, they were real sites. Either someone has a very bizarre sense of humor and lots of time to play, or this is just authentically wacko.

That's what makes the site so great. It uses extreme and ludicrous content to direct you to authentic links, therefore discrediting the links message by polluting their (similarly minded) messages with the hoax theory and making the real organizations look like morons.

 

[clancy98]

actually they link to Landover as one of their "missions"... I think its completely legit, and not only that, its not that far off from the people I have actually encountered. There is a large Neon Church on the East side of Columbus who's I will not mention, but after encountering MANY MANY people from that particular congregation, these guys seem like par for the course.

CLancy

 

[dan-o]

actually they link to Landover as one of their "missions"... I think its completely legit, and not only that, its not that far off from the people I have actually encountered. There is a large Neon Church on the East side of Columbus who's I will not mention, but after encountering MANY MANY people from that particular congregation, these guys seem like par for the course.

CLancy

Poor Habu the Elephant, chasing after a multitude of unloving gods...

 

[DHanamal]

Scroll to the Professor, this makes me laugh and makes me sick at the same time:
Were Neanderthals the "monkey men" Evolutionists keep talking about?
They were humans with rickets caused by the "great flood"?!?!

Were my ancestors on the ark?
"Yes all of our ancestors were on the ark, except for our fishy friends?"