1) Dane Cook - "There's only 1 October!" will forever be stuck in my brain. Thanks, Dane, you jerk.
2) Jim Calhoun - basketball coach from Connecticut. Makes Bobby Knight look like Mother Theresa.
3) Ross from Friends - and if Joey and the other guy (Chandler?) try to help him, I smash them too.
4) Barry Bonds - nah, I actually don't think a shovel would hurt that 3" thick cranium. Good chance he'd turn that shovel on me. Let me sub in any one of those 3 little douchebag mullet-headed kids from "Home Improvement". (its not about the mullets, I just don't like those kids)
5) Curly from the 3 Stooges - Only because it doesn't really hurt him and to see his reaction live would be priceless.