[I Are Baboon]

One of the first times I ever went to the gym (I was probably 21 years old), I laid down on a bench to do bench presses. I didn't know how much weight I could lift, so I threw a couple of 45's on. I did maybe three reps, but figured I was fine and went for one more. Well wouldn't you know it, I couldn't get the bar up off my chest. I squealed for help, and the guy walking behind me was mentally retarded. He grabbed the bar with two hands and helped me get it back up. So yeah, I tried to lift too much weight at the gym and a retarded guy had to bail me out.

 

[firetoole]

I went to Ceder Point My senior year in High school with like 7 other guys, and was on Mantis trying the hardest I poss ably could not to throw up. (had previously eaten 5 hot dogs on a bet) When the ride finished we were in the spot it stops before it goes back to the station, I turned to my friend sitting next to me with a huge grin on my face. He said "what?" and I threw up all over the ride. when we got back into the station I made a B-line for the exit later finding out I shut the ride down for a an hour.

 

[Slacker]

Ok, I got a good one. And unfortunately, it is true.

Many years ago…..

I was at a spring break party at a college dorm. The party was raging and the beer was flowing…. And flowing. I’ve never been able to hold my liquor well, and this night was no exception.

After a couple hours of drinking way too much beer, I had an urgent need to relieve myself. Apparently I wasn't the only one because the bathroom line in this little 2 bedroom upstairs apartment went thru the living room and started going down the stairs. So, I got in line and waited… and waited… and waited. Finally, I was in; by this time I was really sloshed, and decided to sit down fearing I would piss all over myself and the bathroom.

No sooner had I sat down, I could hear the obnoxious drunk chick that was in line behind me, squealing, “OMG, how long is he going to be in there!” She just wouldn’t shut up. Not wanting to hear her crap, I looked around for a surf mag to occupy myself with. No surf mag present, but there was a large stack of porn sitting on the tank directly behind me…. “This will do,” I said to myself.

Now, this bathroom was rather small and the toilet was right next to the door. I need put in my disclaimer here: I swear, I wasn’t jacking it…. 1) I was way to drunk to even get it up. 2) That obnoxious chick was such a turn-off; even if I was half sober she was so anti-erection. 3) I don’t masturbate in other people’s homes. That just aint right

Anyway, back to the story. Now, the crowd outside the bathroom was leaning against the bathroom door, and I could see and hear the door flexing. Before I knew it, the hinges busted, the door flew open, and there was 4-5 people laying on my feet as I sat there on the potty with the porn mag in my clutches. I couldn’t even yank up me skivvies because someone’s arm was stuck between my legs :mumble:

Go ahead, top that I dare you :dancing:



Actually, I have an even more embarrassing moment that also involves alcohol, but in a different way and setting. Not sure if want to make this one public….

 

[DRB]

More bumpage for your Friday afternoon amusement.

funny stuff here

 

[BadDNA]

DRB...digging up all the funny on Friday afternoon.

 

[Westy]

I've got a few good stories but I have told them in other threads.

 

[bluebug32]

I wonder if Stosh is still getting caught....I always wonder what he's doing when he goes off alone in the woods on a ride.

 

[stosh]

I wonder if Stosh is still getting caught....I always wonder what he's doing when he goes off alone in the woods on a ride.

What the heck are you talking about?

 

[bluebug32]

What the heck are you talking about?

I don't know, why don't you tell me, Stinky Stan with the busy hand...

 

[stosh]

I don't know, why don't you tell me, Stinky Stan with the busy hand...

I had to re-read my post in this thread.

I hate it when I'm lying in a nice soft bed of pine needles in the woods and the sap on the pine needles make them stick to my support hand.

 

[DRB]

I had to re-read my post in this thread.

I hate it when I'm lying in a nice soft bed of pine needles in the woods and the sap on the pine needles make them stick to my support hand.

Better the support hand then the operational hand.

 

[bluebug32]

I had to re-read my post in this thread.

I hate it when I'm lying in a nice soft bed of pine needles in the woods and the sap on the pine needles make them stick to my support hand.

you sure that's just sap?

 

[boostindoubles]

I was on a road trip with my parents and brother up to whistler for a wedding last summer, and we stopped at a gas station near the border to gas up/use the bathroom. My bladder was bursting to the point where I had to loosen my belt, and before I could get to the bathroom, my little brother beat me to the only toilet. He's taking a leak, and refusing to let me join him in the same toilet, so I dropped my shorts and proceed to pee into the sink. In my hurry I had neglected to lock the bathroom door. I hear the knob turning, and turn to yell something about don't come in, but it was too late. This little older woman is standing in the door with her jaw dropped watching me pee into the sink. Needless to say she slammed the door, I finished as fast as possible and disappeared into my dads truck.


and when we got to whistler, I skipped the wedding to ride my bike, but showed up for the food at the reception.

 

[Wumpus]

Whatever happened to Buck?

 

[TheInedibleHulk]

Got married, moved to oregon

 

[geargrrl]

This thread should be renamed "the poo story thread".

I had to read the thread, wondering if I'd ever posted my non-poo story. Not too many stories from the gals here.

gg

 

[r464]

New RM sponsor:

 

[JustMtnB44]

I've got another poo story which is sorta biking related.

A couple years ago I was heading to Plattekill for the first time with a couple friends. I was driving my car on I-90 around 10 pm when I started getting that "oh man, how far to the next rest stop" feeling. I had eaten Mighty Taco for lunch and McDonalds for dinner, so needless to say all the greasy beef I had ingested was not sitting so well.

After trying to pinch it back as long as I could and seeing a sign that stated the next rest stop was still 20 miles away, I decided to just pull over and drop it on the side of the highway. I grabbed a box of kleenex to use as TP and went over the guardrail and just squatted on the sort of steep hillside that was the side of the road. Let's just say if I was on a toilet it would have coated the inside of the bowl no problem.

So anyway, I was just about done and starting to wipe up when a state trooper pulls up with his lights on behind my parked car that my friends were standing around. He asks them what the problem is, and they say something about me needing an emergency stop. Of course the cop can't just take their word, so he starts shining his flashlight around until it lands right on me, still squatting with pants down. He immediately clicks it off and tells us to have a good night. Not my finest moment...

 

[Westy]

Badabump.

 

[Serial Midget]

As a teenager I had about with testicular torsion. I was with my parents doing some sort of shopping on a hot summer day. As I got out out the car my left nut twisted up and laid me out in the parking lot beside the car. The pavement was so hot it burned my leg and arm as I lay in a fetal position holding my nuts and puking nonstop until I had the dry heaves which continued until an ambulance arrived. The smell of your own pavement warmed puke never really goes away.

 

[stosh]

WTF Who brought up this old thread OMG.

 

[Westy]

One of the first times I ever went to the gym (I was probably 21 years old), I laid down on a bench to do bench presses. I didn't know how much weight I could lift, so I threw a couple of 45's on. I did maybe three reps, but figured I was fine and went for one more. Well wouldn't you know it, I couldn't get the bar up off my chest. I squealed for help, and the guy walking behind me was mentally retarded. He grabbed the bar with two hands and helped me get it back up. So yeah, I tried to lift too much weight at the gym and a retarded guy had to bail me out.

I tend to fart a lot when doing sit-ups at the gym. I also get explosive bloody noses at the gym. Nothing like running towards the bathroom bleeding all over the place with gym employees chasing after me as they think I hurt myself.

 

[kickstand]

I peed my bed saturday

 

[stosh]

I tend to fart a lot when doing sit-ups at the gym. I also get explosive bloody noses at the gym. Nothing like running towards the bathroom bleeding all over the place with gym employees chasing after me as they think I hurt myself.

Roids will do that



























actually I have no idea if they will....

 

[Westy]

Roids will do that


actually I have no idea if they will....

Dry winter air and elevated heart rates do it in my case.

 

[stosh]

Dry winter air and elevated heart rates do it in my case.

pvssy

I used to go to the gym and I loved it but man it seemed like I had a constant cold while I was going there.

 

[freakrock]

A few years ago i had a long distance relationship whit a girl who lived about 600 miles from where i used to live at the time. The first hours i ever spent at her parent's house contain some of the most ridiculous and disgusting moments of my life.

Everyone knew that i would arrive at lunch time, so they decided to wait a bit and have me sit on the thable with them. I arrived with an incredible urge to use the bathroom, but waited for my gf to show me the room i was staying in before going to war. It was a big and old house, and the room i was in had a door that led directly to a bathroom that could also be entered through another door and was used by the family too. When my gf told that everyone was waiting for me to start eating i asked her to give me a few minutes, for i needed to go to the loo. While i was in there, she went to the dining room and waited for me. Once i was ready i flushed the toilet but the effyng bowl wasnt able to deal with my stuff and was now obstructed. I started looking arround for a pump, but the only thing i found was a rubbish bin where you were supposed to leave the used tp (obviously well folded to prevent it from making it even more disgusting). F*uck, was the first thing that came to my mind. What should i do to get out of this one relatively quick; i couldn't just show up at the table and ask for a pump, so i started thinking. My brilliant brain came up with the "perfect" plan. I knew i had some plastic bags in my backpack, so i sneaked into "my" room took out the two or three i had and went back to the bathroom. I put them one inside the other and put my hands inside them to use them as gloves. Hoping that there were no leaks, i reached for the obstruction at the bottom of the bowl and took it out while wrapping it inside the bags. I suppose i don't need to tell you how disgusting it is to use your hands for such a delicate task, so i wont. The water began to flow again, and i now had a huge stinkbomb in my hands. New problem: How to ged rid of it?
Being such a "well educated person", i couldn't come up with a solution that could have made it a better story to tell my grandchildren, and have my friends laughing at me for the rest of my life, but it still got me into one of the most embarrassing situations of my life.
I hid the bag for a few minutes in my room while i went out scouting for the main thrash container. Once i found it, on the back yard, i rushed to get the bag and dropped it in the container. Problem solved, i thought.
After washing my hands, arms and face for about ten minutes i finally sat at the table and had lunch with her family.
During the evening, she decided to show me the back yard. It was a hot day, and as we walked relativelly close to the container i had dropped my stuff in, the wind started smelling like cr*ap. Disgusted by that, she started looking for the source of thast bad smell, and inevitably ended up closing in to the evidence of my crime. I had no other option than to confess. I'll never forget her mix of uncontainable laughs and disgust. After she was done with the laughs, she handed me a few garbage bags and had me wrap "that thing" with them.

 

[moff_quigley]

Since the death of "My worst night ever", this is quite possibly the best thread on RM.

 

[stosh]

A few years ago i had a long distance relationship whit a girl who lived about 600 miles from where i used to live at the time. The first hours i ever spent at her parent's house contain some of the most ridiculous and disgusting moments of my life.
.

I have no idea what a "Loo" is so your story makes no sense.




















Just kidding good one!

 

[narlus]

where we stayed in mexico two years ago you have to put the used TP in the waste basket next to the toilet. i'd forgotten about that.

 

[TN]

mine....
I was working my first job in TV as a camera jockey for the 5p & 9p news & after the 5'oclock we would take lunch & if you were a part-time hourly employee you could stay clocked out for a couple of hours & take a long lunch. I did this often.
One night I went to a friends house & we ended up riding through the drive-in at taco bell. The whole time we are hotboxing the car with some dank ass nugs & some hash. We smoked a blunt & then a couple bowls of just hash. We were toasted.

Fast froward back to work....
The newsroom was crazy cuz a big story broke, kid left in a daycare van died. Anyway, I had to roll teleprompter cuz someone didn't come back from lunch break in time. I am blazed, so I think I am off the hook from having to be in the studio, where my head has to be in the game a little more. So I sit down with 20 mins. before show time load the show & sit back & wait for showtime.
9p hits, open rolls, anchors are on cam, they start reading the prompter.
After like 5 sentences the anchor gets this dumbfounded look on her face. I realize the script does not match the video. Oh ****. I loaded the 5p show instead of the 9p show.
The producer & director both erupt with every cuss word there is. I scramble & get the correct show loaded while we are on the live shot. The next hour sucked cuz I knew I was gonna get reamed at the post show.

I did & it was embarrassing, but most of co-workers would have split & not even gone to the post show meeting.

 

[MarkDH]

This has to be the funniest thread I've read on here. Here are my two (now tame sounding) offerings.

Number 1- Years ago the ex-gf had organised a weekend for her parents, herself, myself and few of our mates to go snowboarding up north. First day out was (I think) my first ever day boarding and it was good times. We head out for dinner that night to a restaurant and get a pizza, nothing out of the ordinary. We head home for the night; I had a room in the chalet that the ex-gf's parents had rented, my mates were staying in a nearby hotel. The next morning we are heading up to the mountain and my mates are telling me how they were puking their guts up at about 1am, heaving up their pizzas, but they felt fine now. I thought that was pretty sh*t luck, but then one of them did have a fried egg in the middle of his and I felt fine. So we get to mountain and are queuing for the gondola when I get this burning, gurgling sensation in my lower abdomen. I excuse myself, ask my mate to hold my board, and tell them I'd be back in a minute. That turned out to be a slight underestimate. I jogged to the karzi, got who knows how many layers off clothes off in rapid succession, sat down and proceeded to spray the porcelain with a burning hot soup. It was as if I'd struck oil in my ars*hole, and whats more, every time I cleaned up and stood up, I'd get the instant need to sit down and splutter more out. After I'd been gone for 20 odd minutes my mates decided to give me a phone and I explained the situation. A further 10 minutes or so and I was able to compose myself enough to leave the WC and have an uncomfortable day boarding, stopping in every lift station I could to get a few small spurts out. At the end of the day I was quite relieved to get off the mountain, only to find that my ex-gf's parents had checked out the chalet and were waiting for us, car ticking over, to head straight home. Thank god it was getting dark by then because it made it less obvious to her mother (whom I hadn't know for very long) that I spent the 3 hour trip home clenching the door handle with tightly pursed lips and sweat p*ssing off me, scanning the darkened treeline at the side of the road for places I could download in an emergency. Needless to say it was good to get home.

Number 2 - Not quite as bad this one. I was staying at my now gf's flat overnight, and she had told me that her parents were coming up the next day and that it would be a good time for me to meet them. I asked her what time they would be up, roughly, and she said they probably wouldn't leave their house til about 10am, which is about an hours drive away. No problems I thought. The next morning we are having a shower for two around 9am. I like taking a long shower so I stay in there a little longer on my own. Had I known then what I know now, that her parents are the type of people who get up for work at 5am and have a 'lie in' at the weekend til 6am, I would have exited quicker. So I'm standing there in the shower and I hear the doorbell ring. 'No, can't be, it's way too early' I think. This thought changes when I hear a series of expletives from my gf. Why I didn't just stay in the shower I'll never know, but it would be fairly obvious we'd been having some shower fun and in the panic I thought it would be a good idea to try and get out and dressed as quickly as possible. I sprint to her room and try to get myself dried ASAP while her parents are waiting for me in the living room. In the rush I just pull on a t-shirt and jeans, nothing else. I have a rapid glance in the mirror and then head into the living room to shake hands and exchange pleasantries. After a few minutes and while waiting for the kettle to boil, I look down and realise my t-shirt has wet streaks on it from not drying myself properly. Worse however, was that in the rush I had neglected to properly dry the 'hair down there', and due to my lack of underwear a surprisingly large amount of water had now soaked into the crotch of my jeans. Thankfully, her parents had only planned on dropping some shopping off for her, but those 15 minutes spent trying to position myself in awkward ways have to rank in the most awkward of my life so far.

 

[Austin Bike]

i went for a colonoscopy once. when i was there in the room the doctor asked if i minded if the 2 med students that were at his office "observed" the procedure while he performed it. I was laying there just wanting to get it over with and said sure if they wanna look at the inside of my ass on a tv screen then thats cool i would be more than honored to be their first. Maybe i would become the inner ass by which all inner asses will be measured for the rest of their career. Needless to say one of them was a hot girl when they came in the room.the other was a very flamboyant kind of guy.anyway i layed there on the table while the doctor gave them the nickel tour and instructional seminar on running stuff up my butt.

You should have yelled out "hey! too far, I taste metal!"

 

[Toshi]

I almost shat my pants this evening, and ended up taking an inglorious dump in the stairwell of a public parking lot.

Back up a few hours and witness a large ramen + sake dinner with an old college friend and my wife. Delicious, and sat well in my stomach at first. Two hours after being seated initially we left our table and the wife and I ambled back to the car to start the hour+ drive back home from the city in traffic.

As we were driving along I started to feel all sorts of gurglings going on down below. Every once in a while I'd get an intense feeling of pressure and pain that would then subside after the ol' bowels gave a good gurgle. Unnervingly these bouts of discomfort started becoming more frequent as we drew up to the parking garage where my wife had left her car for the day.

I decided at that point that taking a short walk around the garage might be a good idea. Maybe some air and stretching would cure what was ailing me and would let me hold out until we got home.

Nope.

Instead, as I walked around my colon asserted itself. The pressure became more intense and things started to move on their own. A very bad feeling washed over me, harkening back to preschool days: I was going to **** in my pants imminently.

I quickly surveyed the scene in the parking garage in a state of feral panic and saw a semi darkened stairwell in the corner. My wife tossed me a pack of baby wipes luckily in one of the cars, I bolted for the stairwell, and grabbed the bag out of a garbage can on the way there.

…

Ah, relief at last. Mid-squat, however, some random dude came by, seeking his car on the upper deck, as it were. My hasty explanation that I was merely taking a dump in the stairwell and would vacate the premises soon didn't go over too well with him, being an impatient New Yorker and all. I wasn't about to let him pass until I was done with my business, however. At least he got a new story to tell his friends, and I escaped with my clothing and rectum intact, if not my dignity.

 

[AngryMetalsmith]

Maybe you should see a doctor...

 

[Toshi]

Ah, I went 12 years since my last embarrassing story. I was probably due by the zodiac or some such…

 

[mantispf2000]

2 that are bathroom related, sort of.....

The Cute-- Alaina and I are getting ready to take a shower. She was about 1 1/2-2 at the time. We're both undressed, waiting for the water to heat up. Just then, I feel wetness running down my side. Yep, she was peeing on me. That's my girl!! Welcome to Fatherhood!!!!!!

The Disgusting-- On break at work, watching Sports Channel in our old conference room. Had to go, yet wanted to see the outcome of whatever sporting news was on. Geez, was I stubborn. Well, I waited just a bit too long, and crapped my pants. Great, no back-up pair in my locker, so I go and wash it out best I can and finish the night commando style. Good thing I had a bottle of cologne in my locker.

 

[Westy]

I almost shat my pants this evening, and ended up taking an inglorious dump in the stairwell of a public parking lot.

Back up a few hours and witness a large ramen + sake dinner with an old college friend and my wife. Delicious, and sat well in my stomach at first. Two hours after being seated initially we left our table and the wife and I ambled back to the car to start the hour+ drive back home from the city in traffic.

As we were driving along I started to feel all sorts of gurglings going on down below. Every once in a while I'd get an intense feeling of pressure and pain that would then subside after the ol' bowels gave a good gurgle. Unnervingly these bouts of discomfort started becoming more frequent as we drew up to the parking garage where my wife had left her car for the day.

I decided at that point that taking a short walk around the garage might be a good idea. Maybe some air and stretching would cure what was ailing me and would let me hold out until we got home.

Nope.

Instead, as I walked around my colon asserted itself. The pressure became more intense and things started to move on their own. A very bad feeling washed over me, harkening back to preschool days: I was going to **** in my pants imminently.

I quickly surveyed the scene in the parking garage in a state of feral panic and saw a semi darkened stairwell in the corner. My wife tossed me a pack of baby wipes luckily in one of the cars, I bolted for the stairwell, and grabbed the bag out of a garbage can on the way there.

…

Ah, relief at last. Mid-squat, however, some random dude came by, seeking his car on the upper deck, as it were. My hasty explanation that I was merely taking a dump in the stairwell and would vacate the premises soon didn't go over too well with him, being an impatient New Yorker and all. I wasn't about to let him pass until I was done with my business, however. At least he got a new story to tell his friends, and I escaped with my clothing and rectum intact, if not my dignity.

**** happens, sometime it happens right ****ing now!

 

[Westy]

After riding some trails at a local park I pulled off my jersey and threw it in the car. My keys were in the jersey pocket and I must have pushed the lock button as I took it off. A gust of wind blew my car door shut locking my keys in the car. That would have been embarrassing enough but I was left wearing nothing but a pair of bike shorts.

Everything I had was in the car except for my bike. I would have tried riding home but I had broken a pedal spindle during my ride. I wasn't going to make it 20 miles with one leg. I asked a few random people if I could borrow a cell phone but no reception was to be had. It is never a comfortable conversation when you have to ask a stranger for help wearing nothing but some plum smugglers. I eventually found the wife of a friend who gave me a ride back into town.

 

[Fool]

This weekend, a disgusting little gnat flew in my eye while I was attempting to fasten the two greasy ends of a PC951 together, leaving me no way to dig the ****er out in a timely fashion.

Several hours later, I blew it out of my nose.