I normally care mostly about riding my bike, surfing, and the pursuit of the perfect woman, but:
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT,
DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?
My Fellow Americans:
As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed. Since
congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission
in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American
forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now
to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries
which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is
short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are
some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the
world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be
distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those
nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved
during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the
Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world
Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this
money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.
On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we
will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face
of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or
maybe China.
To Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys. Work out a peace deal
now. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to
Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables,
too. I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with
France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are
retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis. I have instructed the
Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles
located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites
where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't
care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of
thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your
precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest
chop shops in the world. I love New York.
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are
likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to
try not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President
Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude
adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions
sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security.
So start doing something with your oil. Oh, by the way, the United
States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.
We are tired of the one-way highway.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.
Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn
tootin."
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the
world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on
the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to
eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup
Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks
guys. We owe you and
we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.
God bless America.
Thank you and good night.
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English,
thank a soldier.
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT,
DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?
My Fellow Americans:
As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed. Since
congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission
in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American
forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now
to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries
which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is
short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are
some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the
world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be
distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those
nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved
during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the
Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world
Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this
money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.
On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we
will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face
of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or
maybe China.
To Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys. Work out a peace deal
now. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to
Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables,
too. I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with
France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are
retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis. I have instructed the
Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles
located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites
where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't
care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of
thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your
precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest
chop shops in the world. I love New York.
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are
likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to
try not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President
Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude
adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions
sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security.
So start doing something with your oil. Oh, by the way, the United
States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.
We are tired of the one-way highway.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.
Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn
tootin."
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the
world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on
the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to
eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup
Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks
guys. We owe you and
we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.
God bless America.
Thank you and good night.
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English,
thank a soldier.
