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Facebook: A Parent's Right or Privilage?

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bitingback

Turbo Monkey
Jan 16, 2007
1,351
1
somewhere between poison ivy and the trail
so my daughter's almost 15. she has a facebook account. it keeps her in touch with friends in CT as well as TX. it's set to private and only people she knows does she befriend. things have come a LONG way since the divorce and she not only befriended me but even listed me as her mom!! :eek:

she has not had the greatest relationship with her dad for many reasons...but she still befriended him as well. but mostly her account is for her to talk to HER friends.

well the other day she posted in her status "bullsh*t" (spelled out and nothing else) apparently she was pissed with something or someone so she wrote that.

well the ex decides to play dad and posts up two posts on her account for everyone to read. apparently he didn't like her using the word.

If I used words like you do, my mother would have slapped the living hell out of me. Remember that you are not the parent here. You are a child and that is that. Until you are old enough to be on your own and fend for yourself you have no choice in the matter, Right is right and wrong is wrong. Your mother has stopped being your mother a long time ago now. She is your friend and that is wrong. A parent is not your friend. I am your father and you know I would not stand for such behavior. I am surprised at you and even the way your respond to my concerns. I could never act or speak to my parents in that manor. Your mother has just let you go wild. If I was there you could never go on and act this way around me ever. I am not your friend. I am your father so remember that and act accordingly when you speak and address me.

If you were living with me you would not be able to have a boyfriend at all at your age, but never the less it seems that you don't care because I am here and you are there. Remember it was not my choice that you are there and still there. You don't call, write or nothing unless I do first. We all have problems and to put it all on that is an excuse. I am going through hell here but I still take the time to call and write and do whatever I can for you. I sent somethings for you and you didn't even have the consideration to call and say thanks much less write and say thank you. Is this how you show appreciation? I am not gonna try anymore for you are showing me you don't care about me.
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ok so he doesn't like her cursing on her account. but the fact is it's her account to talk to HER friends.

in her defense she is an A/B student. has no interest in smoking, drinking, doing drugs or sex. she has a boyfriend and they are going on 6 months now. it's her first and quite frankly he treats her sweetly and has actually grounded her. the two of them are on the same page regarding sex and want to go to college. both feel sex will ruin that dream. she doesn't lie to me. she doesn't always like my decisions but respects them. sure we joke and tease like "friends" but i am still very much her parent. i know where she is all the time and who and what she is doing. and even when she is being a complete bitch...give her a couple of days and she's apologizing.

what really upsets me about his post is this...

1. it should have been sent in an email to her and NOT on her page

2. no matter what he thinks of my parenting, should he really be talking crap about me like that?


he complains that she doesn't contact him. is this the way to go about it? and this is the same man that was completely inappropriate in what he shared with her (at 13) about our divorce. the same dad that thinks it's up to her at 15 to maintain their relationship.

so i ask...is it wrong for him to post something like that on her facebook or since he's dad he has the right to say whatever and wherever to her?
 
davidhill

davidhill

blumpkin catcher
Jan 29, 2007
160
0
Greenville, SC
Should she be allowed to have some degree of personal freedom? Yes.
Does he have the right to say something about it as her father? Yes.
Should you be getting parenting advice from RM. No way in Hell.
 
G

grom-dom

Turbo Monkey
Jun 27, 2006
1,140
0
Chapel Thrill
being 16, here's my viewpoint on it.

would you let your daughter into your group of friends to go out, socialize, etc? give her a look into your life outside of being a parent? how would you handle it if you said no and she got mad? this is what is happening here. sounds like the helicopter parent syndrome to me. tell her to delete him, plain and simple. my mum has a facebook, and i'm not friends with her on it.

also, sounds like your ex is an asshole, after actually reading through what he said. i'd keep her away from him if you can.
 
stevew

stevew

resident influencer
Sep 21, 2001
40,596
9,608
if she wants privacy....write letters....until then, deal with it.
 
jdcamb

jdcamb

Tool Time!
Feb 17, 2002
19,839
8,438
Nowhere Man!
Stinky Boys is threatening to leave the Monkey!! All matters concerning you are put on hold until it is confirmed he is going to stay. I couldn't find a smiley that would convey my feelings related to the above subject. I hope your reading comrehension is good enough to for you to understand the importance of this matter and you can refrain from posting until we are sure Stinkyboy isn't leaving. Your help in this matter would be greatly appreciated....
 
DirtyMike

DirtyMike

Turbo Fluffer
Aug 8, 2005
14,437
1,017
My own world inside my head
jdcamb said:
Stinky Boys is threatening to leave the Monkey!! All matters concerning you are put on hold until it is confirmed he is going to stay. I couldn't find a smiley that would convey my feelings related to the above subject. I hope your reading comrehension is good enough to for you to understand the importance of this matter and you can refrain from posting until we are sure Stinkyboy isn't leaving. Your help in this matter would be greatly appreciated....
Click to expand...
Who cares?
 
BurlyShirley

BurlyShirley

Rex Grossman Will Rise Again
Jul 4, 2002
19,180
17
TN
The father sounds like.... a father.

ps. (and not just directed at you BB) All this facebook/myspace drama lately is pathetic.
 
BurlyShirley

BurlyShirley

Rex Grossman Will Rise Again
Jul 4, 2002
19,180
17
TN
dante said:
Ahhh, the good old days when "good parenting" = slapping the living hell out of a 15yo for cursing. :think:
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Actually, if you worked on your reading comprehension skills a little bit, you'd understand it was more of a "You've got it easy. When I was a kid, I had it so bad..." statement; which is what lots of parents do. I don't think the guy said he was going to slap anyone.

But since you bring it up... does anyone actually believe that kids these days behave better? Since mom went back to work, and it became "abuse" to swat a misbehaving child, they've just turned into unmanageable brats who will probably amount to nothing, and drive this country into the dirt when they get older.

Now it's to the point that a parent can't even reprimand their child on myspace? Pathetic. Who cares if it's "Her account" she is a child.
 
Pesqueeb

Pesqueeb

bicycle in airplane hangar
Feb 2, 2007
40,325
16,791
Riding the baggage carousel.
BurlyShirley said:
But since you bring it up... does anyone actually believe that kids these days behave better? Since mom went back to work, and it became "abuse" to swat a misbehaving child, they've just turned into unmanageable brats who will probably amount to nothing, and drive this country into the dirt when they get older.

Now it's to the point that a parent can't even reprimand their child on myspace? Pathetic. Who cares if it's "Her account" she is a child.
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:stupid:
Im all for the reestablishment of negative reinforcement. Kids these days need a beatin'

And that was a total dick move on dads part. Classy fellow.
 
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dante

dante

Unabomber
Feb 13, 2004
8,807
9
looking for classic NE singletrack
dante said:
Ahhh, the good old days when "good parenting" = slapping the living hell out of a 15yo for cursing. :think:
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BurlyShirley said:
Actually, if you worked on your reading comprehension skills a little bit, you'd understand it was more of a "You've got it easy. When I was a kid, I had it so bad..." statement; which is what lots of parents do. I don't think the guy said he was going to slap anyone.
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Uh, what was that about reading comprehension? Reread my post and point out exactly where I didn't say exactly what you're saying with regards to "when I was a kid I had it so bad..."
 
bitingback

bitingback

Turbo Monkey
Jan 16, 2007
1,351
1
somewhere between poison ivy and the trail
BurlyShirley said:
Now it's to the point that a parent can't even reprimand their child on myspace? Pathetic. Who cares if it's "Her account" she is a child.
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true. however it wasn't directed at him or any other adult figure. she happens to be a very respectful person to adults. if we took away the internet it would be the same as him overhearing a conversation she's having amongst her friends and then embarrassing her and reprimanding her when it was not directed at him.

furthermore, she's not a teenager that's sneaking out of the house, screwin up school, drinking, smoking, having sex or anything that many parents have to deal with with their teenagers. she's a good kid that cursed toward her friends in a place where she talks to her friends.

shouldn't all that outweigh her cursing? i mean really...she's 15. do we honestly think 15 yo don't curse amongst their friends in the privacy of their conversations? the way he laid it out...calling her "wild" and stating it's due to my lack of parenting skills...you'd think she had just posted porn or something.

AND everything he stated he could have done so by picking up the phone or emailing her. one on one parenting as it should be. not embarrass her in front of all her friends.
 
sanjuro

sanjuro

Tube Smuggler
Sep 13, 2004
17,373
0
SF
p.s. she can just delete any post on her page.

I would just do that.

Without going into detail, lots of older folks don't understand the public nature of FB so possibly that was his problem.
 
Nick

Nick

My name is Nick
Sep 21, 2001
24,065
14,713
where the trails are
bitingback said:
i mean really...she's 15. do we honestly think 15 yo don't curse amongst their friends in the privacy of their conversations?
- snip-
furthermore, she's not a teenager that's sneaking out of the house, screwin up school, drinking, smoking, having sex or anything that many parents have to deal with with their teenagers.
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She may very well be a 'good kid', and thats great, but she is also human and sooner or later WILL likely be doing all the things you list above. Think of what you may have done and got away with when you were her age. Dont let your trust and confidence in her work to her disadvantage.
 
BurlyShirley

BurlyShirley

Rex Grossman Will Rise Again
Jul 4, 2002
19,180
17
TN
bitingback said:
shouldn't all that outweigh her cursing? i mean really...she's 15. do we honestly think 15 yo don't curse amongst their friends in the privacy of their conversations?
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If you think cursing is acceptable behavior at her age, or are at least willing to justify it, and the baby-daddy does not, then I think you've isolated the problem.

Step 2 is addressing it.
 
H8R

H8R

Cranky Pants
Nov 10, 2004
13,959
35
My daughter is 17 going on 18.

Here is what I know:

ALL the boys she knows want to get in her pants, except the one gay friend.
If you think your daughter's boyfriend wants to wait, then he is either lying (badly) or gay.

A father's job is the voice of discipline, and sometimes a harsh one at that. Your ex sounds like a passive aggressive child. He might not like the swearing, but he commands zero respect and whines to your child via FB, so who cares wtf he thinks?

Your kid WILL get into trouble. Even the best ones do. Do not EVER grant your kid your full trust. They want it, don't fall for it. Assume they are going out into the world to get drunk, pregnant and do meth. Keep a sharp eye out and make sure they KNOW you are watching.

You need to go get real parenting counseling. Pro style. NOW. Raising kids alone is hazardous. It's hard enough to do it right with both parents and a network of friends and family.

Stop bouncing things like this off RM. This is a mountain bike site. Go get real help.
 
chicodude

chicodude

The Spooninator
Mar 28, 2004
1,054
2
Paradise
H8R said:
You need to go get real parenting counseling. Pro style. NOW. Raising kids alone is hazardous. It's hard enough to do it right with both parents and a network of friends and family.

Stop bouncing things like this off RM. This is a mountain bike site. Go get real help.
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JohnE said:
Your ex is Alec Baldwin?

Bu seriously, RM is not free therapy...you need professional help.
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Agreed. RM is not the place to get REAL family advice, besides, say, PIIHB?


And she is lying about the sex. I can guarantee it.
 
bitingback

bitingback

Turbo Monkey
Jan 16, 2007
1,351
1
somewhere between poison ivy and the trail
you guys act as though i'm sitting here having a counceling session on RM. it was just a topic to discuss to hear other viewpoints. not to get therapy.

i have no doubt my daughter is not perfect and will do all the things i mentioned she's not doing NOW. (especially if she's anything like her mother :shocked:) but since our kids are growing up in a society that has social networking online and it IS a new factor in parenting....i thought it made for a good topic to be discussed.

i know where my daughter is at all times. i have all her internet account passwords and watch carefully. i treat her with respect and demand the same...albeit i don't always get it. but i don't expect to...she's 15. i am proud that i have NOT had to deal with many of the issues parents face with a high schooler. and therefore i give her a little freedom. she knows the minute she abuses that privilege her freedoms are taken away.

and can we stop throwing the "this is a mountain bike forum" excuse of why i shouldn't be posting a topic to talk about. we all know very well most things on RM in the general forum have little or nothing to do with biking. we all have different experiences and through discussion, can grow from them. that's all this was intended to be. i'm sure there are plenty of parents out there that are dealing with a teenager or are going to...

sorry for being too serious. next time i'll stick to a topic about bacon. that seems to do better here. :D
 
bitingback

bitingback

Turbo Monkey
Jan 16, 2007
1,351
1
somewhere between poison ivy and the trail
BurlyShirley said:
If you think cursing is acceptable behavior at her age, or are at least willing to justify it, and the baby-daddy does not, then I think you've isolated the problem.

Step 2 is addressing it.
Click to expand...

just to respond to your comment...

i don't think it's acceptable to curse in the company of adults. and she knows this. however, i also am not going to dictate how she talks amongst her own peers.

but you are correct in the fact that he and i have different views on this. it would have been great had he brought it to MY attention and WE dealt with it accordingly with her, rather than call me out for being a slack parent and embarass her amongst her peers. that's my biggest point in this discussion.
 
Pesqueeb

Pesqueeb

bicycle in airplane hangar
Feb 2, 2007
40,325
16,791
Riding the baggage carousel.
I Are Baboon said:
No, he wants to bone.
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H8R said:
If you think your daughter's boyfriend wants to wait, then he is either lying (badly) or gay.
Click to expand...
:stupid:s

Your daughter may be the most upright, pristine, trustworthy person in the world, that does not mean however that the BF is. He is looking to get laid, any way, any how. I once was a fifeteen year old boy and when it comes to my daughter, I will trust no one with a penis, no matter what the might say.
 
geargrrl

geargrrl

Turbo Monkey
May 2, 2002
2,379
1
pnw -dry side
mom of two here.
I think the dad was way out of line. Dressing down in "public?" NO better way to command DISrespect from your kid.

My advice ( take it or leave it) is that she should unfriend the dad, tell him why, and let him know that he can say whatever he needs to in private and directly. For a parent to attempt to use FB for "real" communication is pretty lame. Why couldn't he pick up the phone instead - but no, pulls out his little soap box to try and shame her. Not very mature IMO.

My son once posted something about screwing off on work time to his FB page. Did I dress him down with a comment on his page? No, I called him and suggested to him that was not appropriate. THAT is how you handle almost adult kids that are reasonable.
 
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Runner

Runner

Monkey
Sep 21, 2007
377
0
CT
First of all, good work getting out of what seems like a bad situation, and you're lucky your biggest problem is her saying "bull****" on facebook.
All of my extended family have gotten on facebook and love to over-analyze everything I or my cousins post :rolleyes:
Get her dad off her friend list, or at least restrict what he is allowed to do using the privacy settings.
 
nauc

nauc

Monkey
May 14, 2007
475
3
bitingback said:
so my daughter's almost 15. she has a facebook account. it keeps her in touch with friends in CT as well as TX. it's set to private and only people she knows does she befriend. things have come a LONG way since the divorce and she not only befriended me but even listed me as her mom!! :eek:

she has not had the greatest relationship with her dad for many reasons...but she still befriended him as well. but mostly her account is for her to talk to HER friends.

well the other day she posted in her status "bullsh*t" (spelled out and nothing else) apparently she was pissed with something or someone so she wrote that.

well the ex decides to play dad and posts up two posts on her account for everyone to read. apparently he didn't like her using the word.




ok so he doesn't like her cursing on her account. but the fact is it's her account to talk to HER friends.

in her defense she is an A/B student. has no interest in smoking, drinking, doing drugs or sex. she has a boyfriend and they are going on 6 months now. it's her first and quite frankly he treats her sweetly and has actually grounded her. the two of them are on the same page regarding sex and want to go to college. both feel sex will ruin that dream. she doesn't lie to me. she doesn't always like my decisions but respects them. sure we joke and tease like "friends" but i am still very much her parent. i know where she is all the time and who and what she is doing. and even when she is being a complete bitch...give her a couple of days and she's apologizing.

what really upsets me about his post is this...

1. it should have been sent in an email to her and NOT on her page

2. no matter what he thinks of my parenting, should he really be talking crap about me like that?


he complains that she doesn't contact him. is this the way to go about it? and this is the same man that was completely inappropriate in what he shared with her (at 13) about our divorce. the same dad that thinks it's up to her at 15 to maintain their relationship.

so i ask...is it wrong for him to post something like that on her facebook or since he's dad he has the right to say whatever and wherever to her?
Click to expand...
i think yall need to talk to professionals. not to be an azzhole but if youre asking HERE, you guys obviously need help. 15 years old is a crucial time for kids. you screw up know, you could do a lifetime of damage.
 
bitingback

bitingback

Turbo Monkey
Jan 16, 2007
1,351
1
somewhere between poison ivy and the trail
nauc said:
i think yall need to talk to professionals. not to be an azzhole but if youre asking HERE, you guys obviously need help. 15 years old is a crucial time for kids. you screw up know, you could do a lifetime of damage.
Click to expand...
bitingback said:
you guys act as though i'm sitting here having a counceling session on RM. it was just a topic to discuss to hear other viewpoints. not to get therapy.

and can we stop throwing the "this is a mountain bike forum" excuse of why i shouldn't be posting a topic to talk about. we all know very well most things on RM in the general forum have little or nothing to do with biking. we all have different experiences and through discussion, can grow from them. that's all this was intended to be. i'm sure there are plenty of parents out there that are dealing with a teenager or are going to...

sorry for being too serious. next time i'll stick to a topic about bacon. that seems to do better here. :D
Click to expand...
just to re-iterate. :)
 
jimmydean

jimmydean

The Official Meat of Ridemonkey
Sep 10, 2001
41,208
13,343
Portland, OR
1. She can delete his comment.
2. He should have called and told her that.

Does he not realise that ALL her friends can see and read that? Does he think that was a private message? Airing that kind of sh!t is lame.

Now not to be a dick, but YOU sharing it on RM is worse. We are NOT your daughters friends and should not know this level of information about her, you, or your ex-husband. Seriously.

<edit> I know in Oregon and in California you can lose all contact with a child for talking **** about the other parent to the child. I'm sure they don't care in TX.
 
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bitingback

bitingback

Turbo Monkey
Jan 16, 2007
1,351
1
somewhere between poison ivy and the trail
jimmydean said:
1. She can delete his comment.
2. He should have called and told her that.

Does he not realise that ALL her friends can see and read that? Does he think that was a private message? Airing that kind of sh!t is lame.

Now not to be a dick, but YOU sharing it on RM is worse. We are NOT your daughters friends and should not know this level of information about her, you, or your ex-husband. Seriously.

<edit> I know in Oregon and in California you can lose all contact with a child for talking **** about the other parent to the child. I'm sure they don't care in TX.
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thanks for the input. and yes, you're right in that perhaps i shouldn't have shared so much detail. although i don't think it's worse. no one here knows us on any personal level. so it can remain an unbias discussion. further more she or her friends aren't on here nor is the ex. on fb it's for all to see with people that DO know us.

but i appreciate the response.
 
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M

Muttely

Monkey
Jan 26, 2009
402
0
Whats with the MEGA Taboo on like, sex with teenagers in the USA.


And Drinking.
 
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M

Muttely

Monkey
Jan 26, 2009
402
0
Burleyshirleys right, rather than bitch and moan, why not let the kid grow up, fact is, people swear, people drink, people have sex, people do drugs (OH GOD) from a young age, you cant possibly believe that they dont, if they dont, its not even good for them (except the drugs bit), what are they going to do when it suddenly they can do all these things and they have no idea of the dangers apart from "its the devil".
 
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