[rideit]

At the risk of mockery due to over sharing, my 12 Y.O. Is in pretty rough shape.
We have a specialist and all of that, but it is still really difficult. I have read most of the layman’s literature about dopamine and addiction, so no stranger to the back end. And I am over 10 years sober myself, so I have some empathy.
We have reduced him to 1 hour a day, with the opportunity to earn another hour, but that is not enough, he is a junkie. He exhibits all of the classic behaviors, and I know them well. Including pretty severe depression. He is not remotely interested in any of the things he loves, and can’t be persuaded to participate in them. Hopefully DH biking this summer will help, he will do that.
Really just curious if anyone else is going through ‘kid problems’ during the pandemic, and how you are coping.

 

[jonKranked]

have you tried pushups?

 

[jonKranked]

seriously though, this is a struggle a lot of kids / parents are facing right now. my kids are home and bored (3 and 5) and are way out of their routines. some of my coworkers with kids both parents work and some days their work/meetings are such that all they can do is turn on the tv or let them play online.

one thing to keep in mind right now - it's not just you. its basically every kid out there.

 

[jonKranked]

here's a thought - can you try integrating using the internet as a tool with a real life activity? like, watch a youtube video on how to service a bike, then have him do it? or how to build a jump? anything like that.

 

[Westy]

Marijuana may help

 

[AngryMetalsmith]

Wait, is this code for my kid is whacking off way too much ?

 

[canadmos]

Could restricting access be fuelling it? A few people I ride with or know have kids and they are saying that the kids are becoming incredibly bored of anything online now, so are going outdoors and being old school shit disturbers, as it should be*.

*shit I even saw kids playing hockey in the street the other day. Almost drove into the ditch in shock.

 

[jonKranked]

Wait, is this code for my kid is whacking off way too much ?

 

[Adventurous]

Any idea what he's up to on the internet? Not all internet/computer based activities are harmful. It can be a wonderful world out there full of learning and interacting with people in one of the only forums available to most folks at this time. I can attest to spending more time than I should on the internet talking to you goons and getting lost in hyperlinked Wikipedia articles on all manners of obscure topics.

Then again, it can also be incredibly corrosive and inhibit development, so there's that too.

Also, not sure you can punish him into not being depressed. That's just not how it works, and punitive acts may have the opposite effect of driving him down into a darker place. Perhaps you and your wife should have a conversation with his therapist about the best way to approach this.

Wait, is this code for my kid is whacking off way too much ?

Is there a thing as too much? It's darn near impossible to beat those desires away.

 

[junkyard]

buy him a old school porn mag. Finding one would be best, or you could just leave it in your truck a week or two, maybe glue a couple pages together.

 

[jonKranked]

Also, not sure you can punish him into not being depressed. That's just not how it works, and punitive acts may have the opposite effect of driving him down into a darker place. Perhaps you and your wife should have a conversation with his therapist about the best way to approach this.

as someone who has dealt with depression since their teen years, agree 100%.

 

[rideit]

He is just gaming, pretty sure he still thinks porn is icky. But that will change. I won’t care one bit about that, really.

 

[jonKranked]

He is just gaming

is he at least any good?

 

[rideit]

Not sure...I would think so. But a lot of stupid kids are good at gaming too, so who knows?

 

[stevew]

Not sure...I would think so. But a lot of stupid kids are good at gaming too, so who knows?

if he is any good.....let him start a youtube channel and make some money...

 

[rideit]

He did do that when he was seven, but didn’t get any subscribers.

 

[boostindoubles]

Tell him the internet ain't free and make a list of chores he can do for game time.

 

[eaterofdog]

He did do that when he was seven, but didn’t get any subscribers.

Tell him to find a hanged body and make jokes about it.

 

[slyfink]

I keep clinging to the notion that kids respond well to routine. I'm trying to keep a consistent routine. We must get out every day by 9am, rain or shine, for some sort of activity. Be it playing catch, going to the pumptrack, going for a ride (urban or mtb). At ten it's school work, and at 11 it's free time. My wife does something similar in the afternoons. The key is consistency. It hasn't been perfect, but I think it's somewhat working (for us... as with everything kid related, YMMV)

 

[stoney]

We're having issues with Haley as well. Serious mood swings, anger management, etc. Had the school counselor involved going into the summer. We have internet addiction issues, but we're trying to offset with time at friends or doing other activites.

 

[rideit]

I keep clinging to the notion that kids respond well to routine. I'm trying to keep a consistent routine. We must get out every day by 9am, rain or shine, for some sort of activity. Be it playing catch, going to the pumptrack, going for a ride (urban or mtb). At ten it's school work, and at 11 it's free time. My wife does something similar in the afternoons. The key is consistency. It hasn't been perfect, but I think it's somewhat working (for us... as with everything kid related, YMMV)

The severity of the depression makes this basically impossible. He simply won’t do anything...at all. Under any threat or promise (besides more screen time), and even then, he is miserable.

 

[Westy]

Have you showed him how to blow things up? Everyone loves fire and explosions. That is how I spent a good chunk of my childhood.

 

[stevew]

buy him a old school porn mag. Finding one would be best, or you could just leave it in your truck a week or two, maybe glue a couple pages together.

too bad jaques magazine is no longer in print...

 

[stevew]

The severity of the depression makes this basically impossible. He simply won’t do anything...at all. Under any threat or promise (besides more screen time), and even then, he is miserable.

does he have a pet?

 

[stevew]

We're having issues with Haley as well. Serious mood swings, anger management, etc. Had the school counselor involved going into the summer. We have internet addiction issues, but we're trying to offset with time at friends or doing other activites.

before my brothers youngest was put on medication....this was his hell....99 percent of the time before the meds anytime they went anywhere after about 20 minutes he was sitting in the car with the kid going through a screaming fit while the wife and tholdest were enjoying themselves...

even with the meds....the kid has to have a routine...any deviation will stress the kid out...

 

[junkyard]

Blowing some things up could be good. Have you taken him shooting? Could maybe borrow a 22. Maybe quads?

 

[AngryMetalsmith]

Blowing some things up could be good. Have you taken him shooting? Could maybe borrow a 22. Maybe quads?

Uhh...no !

Depression and firearms are not a good combo, for any age.

 

[rideit]

does he have a pet?

He loves our cat, and hates our dog.

 

[Westy]

He loves our cat, and hates our dog.

Did you keep the receipt? I'd look into a warranty claim.

 

[Brian HCM#1]

At the risk of mockery due to over sharing, my 12 Y.O. Is in pretty rough shape.
We have a specialist and all of that, but it is still really difficult. I have read most of the layman’s literature about dopamine and addiction, so no stranger to the back end. And I am over 10 years sober myself, so I have some empathy.
We have reduced him to 1 hour a day, with the opportunity to earn another hour, but that is not enough, he is a junkie. He exhibits all of the classic behaviors, and I know them well. Including pretty severe depression. He is not remotely interested in any of the things he loves, and can’t be persuaded to participate in them. Hopefully DH biking this summer will help, he will do that.
Really just curious if anyone else is going through ‘kid problems’ during the pandemic, and how you are coping.

Out of curiosity, what did he like to do before the shit storm pandemic started? Does he have a lot of friends, involved in sports etc?

 

[chuffer]

I've got no kids, so, take this with a grain of salt...

About ten years ago a close friend of mine was going through something similar with his daughter. I was traveling a lot to the Akron area and stayed with them often for extended times. I saw a lot of this first hand.

His daughter had a rough go of it. She stopped going to school, stopped listening to her parents and cycled between rage and depression often but irregularly. They tried positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, counseling, meds and even a trip in the back of a police car. No dice. It got so bad that the kid was beating up her mom and wrecking the house. Literally, black eyes and doors off the hinges! My buddy wound up nearly getting arrested for restraining her physically (arm bar) and child services got involved. It was a full on shit-show.

The girl was tall and big boned, clumsy and overweight, but tough as nails and at times pretty mean. However, when she was in a good phase, she was a nice kid. I used to take her to Ray's in Cleveland to get her out of the house when I was in town in the winter time. She was as fearless as she was stubborn.

Anyway, this went on for years (like up to Sophmore or Junior HS year) until someone recommended she take up MMA. She loved it. She could not get enough of it. She lost weight, gained discipline, started going to school, leveled out the depression, etc. in a matter of months and it stuck.

The point is not that MMA helped her. I think it was a matter of two things: 1. She found something that she really loved and 2. She grew up. Unfortunately, you can't force either of those very well. Sounds like you got some rough times ahead, man. All you can do is be patient and supportive.

 

[slyfink]

The severity of the depression makes this basically impossible. He simply won’t do anything...at all. Under any threat or promise (besides more screen time), and even then, he is miserable.

Ouch. Fuck. I'm sorry to hear that. I really don't have anything else to offer, other than good luck. I really hope he pulls through and comes out the other side stronger...

 

[rideit]

Thanks, guys, I just needed to vent a little. We will deal with whatever comes, we love him, and he can be an amazing kid. I think we are looking at a few weeks of ‘withdrawal’ from high dopamine gaming.

 

[Montana rider]

I feel your pain, but I wonder if you haven't created a lose/lose paradigm in regards to punishment.

Perhaps you could flip the script by playing with him.

I suspect you're not into first person shooter video games, but maybe you could find a game you two could play together like hockey or skiing?

FSM knows I watched a shit ton of TV and played a commensurate amount of video games (Atari and then Castle Wolfenstein and Snake Byte on my Apple IIe) as a youth.

And so I struggle with letting my kids learn a modicum of self-control with their screen time vs. more authoritarian measures.

I just don't like punishments that require more labor on the parent's part (i.e. constant monitoring and nagging) than the kid's.

On that note my wife got one of these https://thecleanernet.com/ for our router.

It basically allows you to set time/days when they can and can't use the internet BY DEVICE.

The flipside: my daughter is so used to having her internet / phone taken away it has no sting any more.

 

[jonKranked]

I think it was a matter of two things: 1. She found something that she really loved and 2. She grew up

i think its more #1, finding that One Thing that they are super passionate about and will drive them and help them set goals, etc, will help bring about #2.

 

[jonKranked]

on the flipside, there's always boarding school. a buddy of mine was having issues with his stepson (biological dad is out of the picture) - defiance, bad grades, etc. so he sent him to boarding school and that apparently made quite a difference. i get this isn't an option for everyone, but its an option.

 

[Toshi]

on the flipside, there's always boarding school. a buddy of mine was having issues with his stepson (biological dad is out of the picture) - defiance, bad grades, etc. so he sent him to boarding school and that apparently made quite a difference. i get this isn't an option for everyone, but its an option.

Worked great for DJT

 

[jonKranked]

Worked great for DJT

we're talking about human beings here.

 

[stosh]

Thanks, guys, I just needed to vent a little. We will deal with whatever comes, we love him, and he can be an amazing kid. I think we are looking at a few weeks of ‘withdrawal’ from high dopamine gaming.

Hey Man, my daughter just got into minecraft with her friends as a way to communicate and play during the pandemic. She's a avid softball player and loves being outside but she's competitive and the gaming filled that void. HOWEVER it was a cold spring here in NY and she ended up spending A LOT of time gaming and there was a few occasions where I noticed her personality changing. We did rip the system out on a few occasions and now that the weather is nicer we've pushed her to get out more. We have also relaxed the rules on a few specific friends who's family we know well and have kept safe. The friends help to distract her a lot and she's really cut back in the better weather. I totally hear you on the personality changes and even the few small times it happened with my daughter it was difficult to deal with. Friends and being outside is what helped my daughter.

 

[rideit]

on the flipside, there's always boarding school. a buddy of mine was having issues with his stepson (biological dad is out of the picture) - defiance, bad grades, etc. so he sent him to boarding school and that apparently made quite a difference. i get this isn't an option for everyone, but its an option.

That’s also where the good drugs and master manipulators are...