[mandown]

Today, I feel his funny.

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. "Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter." But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself.

This shirt is "dry-clean only"...which means it's dirty.

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion!... ****! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six... at least. Snake eyes!" I just said "snake eyes." That's a gambling term. Its also an animal term too.

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera... what's it look like? "

I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.

 

[TKCastle]

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I went for an interview and the lady asked me "where do you see yourself in five years? I told her, celebrating the five year anniversary of you asking me that question.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

 

[Kanye West]

Mitch Hedberg = fail at funny.

Every time he spoke I wanted to shove a hot curling iron into my ears.

 

[cannondalejunky]

if carrots were alcoholic rabbits would be ****ed up

my ups driver is a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it

 

[stevew]

Mitch Hedberg = fail at funny.

Every time he spoke I wanted to shove a hot curling iron into my ears.

i feel the same way about bill hicks and his cock obsession.

 

[jonKranked]

Mitch Hedberg = fail at funny.

Every time he spoke I wanted to shove a hot curling iron into my ears.

well what stopped you?

 

[Kanye West]

The mute button.

I don't know anything about Bill Hicks or his obsession with cock, sorry.

 

[stevew]

I don't know anything about Bill Hicks or his obsession with cock, sorry.

he sucks this hard.

 

[reflux]

Steve Lynch FTMW.


"This song, is For The Ladies. You might want to save those 'woos'."


Edit - Is Tosh.0 worth seeing live? He's visiting Irvine in a few weeks and the last I checked, tickets were still avail.

 

[IH8Rice]

Steve Lynch FTMW.

he was even funnier when he was on O&A a lot back in the day.


Mitche Hedberg is the opposite of funny....we get it, youre high.
he did die not far from where i was living. true story

 

[CBJ]

I don't think his jokes except some had anything to do with him being high.

I am/was a big fan from the first time I saw him live. He does a lot of observational humor with a twitch which I guess some don't find funny.

 

[jonKranked]

While his humor is a lot of times observational, he is one of the best one-liner comedians that's ever been.

 

[firebike]

He had some great jokes...but his delivery was something I could sit thru for thirty seconds. I read his jokes and LMAO, but to listen to him=instant ear bleed.

 

[dante]

he was even funnier when he was on O&A a lot back in the day.

God I miss the original O&A.

 

[w00dy]

Somebody asked me if I wanted a frozen banana.
I said no, but I want a regular banana later, so yeah.

 

[tomacdaddy]

Nice.

“I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”

“I think that they should call a cheese grater by its real name...a sponge ruiner.”

“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

 

[Ciaran]

Didn't he die of a heroin overdose?

 

[jimmydean]

He was much funnier when he was still alive.

"Smokey is way to intense in person."

 

[gsweet]

He was much funnier when he was still alive.

"Smokey is way to intense in person."

"a severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer"

 

[chicodude]

On a stop light green means go, red means stop and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the **** did you get that banana at?'

Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as ****. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, ****! I thought I looked like that rock!"

 

[jonKranked]

Didn't he die of a heroin overdose?

Unfortunately.

 

[eaterofdog]

I don't think his jokes except some had anything to do with him being high.

You were probably high when you wrote that sentence.

 

[CrabJoe StretchPants]

Steve Lynch FTMW.


"This song, is For The Ladies. You might want to save those 'woos'."


Edit - Is Tosh.0 worth seeing live? He's visiting Irvine in a few weeks and the last I checked, tickets were still avail.

His show bores me quite a bit. Show me a bunch of videos that I've already seen on the internet and make jokes similar to the ones I made myself while watching said videos?



No thanks.

 

[MMike]

i used to do drugs. I still do drugs, but I used to too.

 

[IH8Rice]

Unfortunately.

shoulda blown his face off...it would have been more original

 

[TKCastle]

I order the club sandwich all the time and I'm not even a member, I don't know how I get away with it.

 

[dezhamer16]

how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?

 

[Icantdrive65]

Almost every one of these jokes has me actually laughing out loud.

 

[jimmydean]

"When I get home from work, sometimes I put a potato in the oven. I don't even really want a baked potato, but by the time it's done.... Who knows?"

 

[jimmydean]

I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut, man, I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut... end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the doc-u-men-tation right here... oh, wait it's at home... in the file... under 'D'... for doughnut."

 

[CBJ]

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy, let's get out of here.

I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "**** it, cut em up!"

 

[cannondalejunky]

I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "**** it, cut em up!"

my favorite right there

 

[zebrahum]

how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?

I'm for them