[Quo Fan]

WOMEN

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live
without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his
most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...





No wait...Sorry.




I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that ****.




Never mind.

 

[stoney]

ibtl.

 

[Heidi]

Why don't women need watches?
















Because there is a clock on the stove!

 

[Mr Jones]

Why don't women in Siberia wear skirts?

















chapped lips

 

[Heidi]

Why don't women need drivers licenses?


There aren't any roads between the bedroom and the kitchen!

 

[insanitylevel9]

Why don't women need drivers licenses?


There aren't any roads between the bedroom and the kitchen!

 

[I Are Baboon]

I find this thread offensive.

 

[insanitylevel9]

I find this thread offensive.

i find your avatar offensive to my people it is a un true stereo type this is a baboon

your avitar is clearly not
cowers and waits for ban hammer

 

[I Are Baboon]

My avatar is wearing a ridemonkey shirt, thus it is awesome.

 

[Nick]

My avatar is wearing a ridemonkey shirt, thus it is awesome.

I never noticed that.

 

[jimmydean]

Awesome.

Reposted on facebook and got an angry phone call from the ex.

 

[CrabJoe StretchPants]

I never noticed that.

I never noticed it was giving itself a dirty sanchez, either.

 

[zdubyadubya]

Awesome.

Reposted on facebook and got an angry phone call from the ex.

wait... you are FB friends with the ex?

 

[SkaredShtles]

Wimmen - can't live with 'em...

























Pass the beernuts.

 

[eaterofdog]

I like their vaginas. It's like a musty amusement park.

 

[JetTeach]

Why don't women need watches?
















Because there is a clock on the stove!

 

[Sandwich]

 

[jimmydean]

wait... you are FB friends with the ex?

Of course, makes for many lulz.

 

[Serial Midget]

Some men need their diapers changed more than others...

 

[DirtMcGirk]

Why does the bride always wear white?










Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

 

[Mr Jones]

nsfw... language

NSFW

 

[Iridemtb]

nsfw... language

NSFW

True true true.

 

[insanitylevel9]

nsfw... language

NSFW

 

[Ciaran]

This one always gets me slapped by the wife and about a week of no noookie as punishment...



Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?


A: Nothing. You already told her twice.





(I didn't write it, I just re-tell it)

 

[gonefirefightin]

this thread is the best evar

 

[DirtyMike]

Man and a wife are sitting on the porch.... he says I love you.. She asks him if its him or the beer talking..... He respondes.." Its me talking to my beer

 

[AngryMetalsmith]

Guy finds a magic lantern...

Genie: " Thanks for letting me out of that bottle. I'll grant you any wish you have. "
Man: " Awesome, I love to surf, but being that I live in Kansas there is no ocean here. Can you build me a bridge to Hawaii ? "

Genie: " Com'on man, that's impossible. Pick something else. "
Man: " OK, then I want to know the secrets of women. "

Genie: " Will that be one lane or two ? "

 

[DirtyMike]

Man finds a bottle and releases a genie.. genie tells him he can have three wishes, but your wife gete everything you get doubled.

He agree's.
First off he asks to be the most atractive man alive
second he asks to be the richest man alive, third he asks the genie to scare him half to death

 

[nyhc00]

Q. When does a man know when the woman has climaxed?




A. Who cares

 

[Arkayne]

 

[Ciaran]

WTF? ^^

 

[DirtMcGirk]

I keep expecting the lady in red to be a demon or some sort of alien with big fangs.

Woman - A Chemical Analysis

Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo
Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.Woman
Discoverer : Adam
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower
concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal
fluctuations.

Physical Properties :
a) Surface usually covered with painted film.
b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
c) Melts if given special treatment.
d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties :
a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in
alcohol to a certain point.
e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses :
a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests :
a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution :
a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
b) Illegal to possess more than one.

 

[w00dy]

Well, it's not locked yet, so I may as well try.

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?
A: A fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A: A washer won't follow you around for a week after you throw a load in.

 

[Uncle Cliffy]

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?


None, because they never change anything!

 

[DirtyMike]

How many men does ti take to change a light bulb....

None, she can cook in the dark

 

[DirtMcGirk]

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?






Slap her and tell her to get back to work.

 

[Ciaran]

This thread is so going to get us all banned.


please be gentle, JBP.

 

[insanitylevel9]

since this is still going

Q. Why haven't they sent any women to the moon?
A. Because it doesn't need cleaning yet.

Q. What do you call a woman with no black eyes?
A. A good cook.

 

[AndyPav]

haha this is great, that woman in red made me sick though. ick.

 

[sunny]

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?










Lipstick.