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Joke of the day

J

JRB

Guest
A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and
squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks,

"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"


The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied
 
Ciaran

Ciaran

Fear my banana
Apr 5, 2004
9,839
15
So Cal
I have a bad joke too...

How many freeriders does it take to change a lightbulb?
5
One to change the lightbulb, one to take pics, one to film it, and two to talk about how that lightbulb was weak and how they could have done it better with their own mad skills cause the guy who changed the lightbulb as a poser.




:stosh:
 
Tenchiro

Tenchiro

Attention K Mart Shoppers
Jul 19, 2002
5,407
0
New England
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’ The operator says: ‘Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: ‘OK, now what?’"
 
S

skinny mike

Turbo Monkey
Jan 24, 2005
6,415
0
Tenchiro said:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’ The operator says: ‘Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: ‘OK, now what?’"
Click to expand...
that one was good. waaaayyyy better than loco's. no wonder you never hear about comedians from texas.
 
Craw

Craw

Monkey
Mar 17, 2002
715
-1
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?








...oh you don't know?

ah hahahahahaha
 
firetoole

firetoole

duch bag
Nov 19, 2004
1,910
0
Wooo Tulips!!!!
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his lap and orders a drink,
the bar tender ask's whats with the steering wheel?

He says "Argh it's been driving me nuts!"
 
-dustin

-dustin

boring
Jun 10, 2002
7,155
1
austin
firetoole said:
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his lap and orders a drink,
the bar tender ask's whats with the steering wheel?

He says "Argh it's been driving me nuts!"
Click to expand...
this joke always makes me laugh.

this 'free ipod nano' banner with the dancing chick is making me laugh even more.
 
Ciaran

Ciaran

Fear my banana
Apr 5, 2004
9,839
15
So Cal
A cop was staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The cop was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "I'm the Designated Decoy."
 
Ciaran

Ciaran

Fear my banana
Apr 5, 2004
9,839
15
So Cal
lovebunny said:
i may be a parrot but im not short or perverted. and i had alchohol as an excuse. oh and who the hell gave you that? was it conrad?
Click to expand...
You are too short and perverted!!!!! But you'll grow and I'll be this short forever. Dude, you shouldn't post pix of yourself on your public photo website that you have linked to in your sig here on RM if you didn't want anyone to know that you were a closet parrot. I'll change the pic though.

Did the parrot come with feet? You are just missing yellow tights and big parrot feet.
 
robdamanii

robdamanii

OMG! <3 Tom Brady!
May 2, 2005
10,677
0
Out of my mind, back in a moment.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
 
SuzyCreamcheese

SuzyCreamcheese

Monkey
Jul 28, 2003
657
0
Eat, ME
Five black men in purple dinner jackets and bow ties were found floating today under a pier in New Orleans. DNA tests later identified them as The Drifters. Rumor has it they were under the boardwalk, down by the sea.

The Cheese
 
firetoole

firetoole

duch bag
Nov 19, 2004
1,910
0
Wooo Tulips!!!!
A science professor asked his class to raise their hand if they ever saw a ghost, and 4 people in the class raised there hands. Next he asked has anyone ever touched a ghost? 2 people had heir hands up. So he asked has anyone ever had sex with a ghost? One guy had his hand up, so ha asked you seriously had sex with a ghost. He replied ghost? oh I thought you said goat.
 
Crazy Sweeper

Crazy Sweeper

more COWBELL!
Jun 4, 2004
644
0
In a box
There's a couple gentleman standing in line, waiting for something, when out of the blue one guy reaches up to the guy in front of him and starts massaging his neck and shoulders. The guy in fron freaks out and turns around and asks: "what are you doing?"
"I'm trying to relieve your stress, I'm a professional masseusse, it's my job."
"Well I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me do you?"
 
MikeD

MikeD

Leader and Demogogue of the Ridemonkey Satinists
Oct 26, 2001
11,698
1,749
chez moi
Two elderly British nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are
traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are
stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little
Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the
windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we
do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of
the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula
about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with
Holy Water at the Vatican,"says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula
screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and
continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f%ck off the
car!"
 
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