stupidest things??? I think not. Getting yourself banned from every walmart on earth was probably one of the best things you could have done.
My kid's friends...
- Thread starter H8R
- Start date
Damn. Let's hope it sticks.
I told my kid that if it was her who stole the merchandise, we would be having a conversation about what labor camp in the desert she would be sent to.
damn, sucks that you got put in that position. hopefully your daughter will learn from it.
i'm surprised to hear that you have a teenage daughter who never swears in front of you. ok, now i could be wrong because i'm making a bit of an assumption, but i am going off of what i can remember you posting about rules and everything that your daughter needs to follow. don't get mad if i'm wrong, i'm just trying to help.
i think you may be a little too strict with your daughter in some situations. now i completely understand your reasons for acting the way you are, but i think from this point on you need to be slightly more lenient on some things and be completely honest with her. your daughter doesn't sound like the type who is already out of control and once you give her just a tiny bit more freedom she is going to go nuts with it, so it's definitely worth a shot.
i grew up in a upper-middle class town with many kids who have been raised in fairly strict households. a handful of these kids were some of the wildest that i know of in my town. when you tell your kid not to drink or something like that and threaten some huge punishment, you are almost encouraging them to do that, especially if they have to go through that constantly. they already live in what they think is a fairly oppressive household, how worse can it actually get if they get caught?
be more open with your daughter and she will be more open with you. talk to her about situations that generally most parents wish their kids didn't get in, but they know they do anyways. partying is probably the best one to talk about because it has a huge presence in high school.
granted i didn't really start drinking until halfway through my senior year of high school, i still did so many dumb things at that point and i just kept lying to keep from getting in trouble. the dam broke when i had a couple friends over before going out to a party and some empties were left behind. i thought i was done for, it was the beginning of my last summer before going off to college and i just got caught throwing a small party at my house. my parents were very pissed, but i ended up not getting officially grounded or anything. the first thing they said to me was that they no longer trust me and that if i wanted to be able to go out and hang out with my friends, i had to be completely honest from that point on. i decided to stay in for a little while mainly because my friends who were over were kind of pissed because they thought that i was going to rat them out. needless to say, i'm not very good friends with those kids anymore.
once everything started to cool down, my parents opened up with me about drinking. they said they knew i drank and that there wasn't much they could do about it, but what they did emphasize to me was that even if i or a friend had just one beer, they didn't want us getting behind the wheel of a car. my parents are fine with me drinking, as long as i don't overdo it and get alcohol poisoning and someone sober is behind the wheel. since that point, i tell my parents exactly where i'm going and whether or not there will be drinking. everytime i have the keys, i don't touch alcohol.
just some food for thought. as much as you might not like getting parenting advice from a 19 year old, i'm just trying to give you some insight from the perspective of someone closer to your daughter's age who understands exactly what she is going through.
not to mention i have noticed kids who never partied in high school go crazy once they get to college. i've lost track of the number of freshman girls who i have seen booting every which way every weekend because they just threw themselves into the party scene without figuring out their limits first. don't force responsibility upon your daughter, give her some freedom to prove to you that she can be responsible(even after messing up once) on her own. you will have so much more peace of mind in 2 years when she is moving out.
i'm surprised to hear that you have a teenage daughter who never swears in front of you. ok, now i could be wrong because i'm making a bit of an assumption, but i am going off of what i can remember you posting about rules and everything that your daughter needs to follow. don't get mad if i'm wrong, i'm just trying to help.
i think you may be a little too strict with your daughter in some situations. now i completely understand your reasons for acting the way you are, but i think from this point on you need to be slightly more lenient on some things and be completely honest with her. your daughter doesn't sound like the type who is already out of control and once you give her just a tiny bit more freedom she is going to go nuts with it, so it's definitely worth a shot.
i grew up in a upper-middle class town with many kids who have been raised in fairly strict households. a handful of these kids were some of the wildest that i know of in my town. when you tell your kid not to drink or something like that and threaten some huge punishment, you are almost encouraging them to do that, especially if they have to go through that constantly. they already live in what they think is a fairly oppressive household, how worse can it actually get if they get caught?
be more open with your daughter and she will be more open with you. talk to her about situations that generally most parents wish their kids didn't get in, but they know they do anyways. partying is probably the best one to talk about because it has a huge presence in high school.
granted i didn't really start drinking until halfway through my senior year of high school, i still did so many dumb things at that point and i just kept lying to keep from getting in trouble. the dam broke when i had a couple friends over before going out to a party and some empties were left behind. i thought i was done for, it was the beginning of my last summer before going off to college and i just got caught throwing a small party at my house. my parents were very pissed, but i ended up not getting officially grounded or anything. the first thing they said to me was that they no longer trust me and that if i wanted to be able to go out and hang out with my friends, i had to be completely honest from that point on. i decided to stay in for a little while mainly because my friends who were over were kind of pissed because they thought that i was going to rat them out. needless to say, i'm not very good friends with those kids anymore.
once everything started to cool down, my parents opened up with me about drinking. they said they knew i drank and that there wasn't much they could do about it, but what they did emphasize to me was that even if i or a friend had just one beer, they didn't want us getting behind the wheel of a car. my parents are fine with me drinking, as long as i don't overdo it and get alcohol poisoning and someone sober is behind the wheel. since that point, i tell my parents exactly where i'm going and whether or not there will be drinking. everytime i have the keys, i don't touch alcohol.
just some food for thought. as much as you might not like getting parenting advice from a 19 year old, i'm just trying to give you some insight from the perspective of someone closer to your daughter's age who understands exactly what she is going through.
not to mention i have noticed kids who never partied in high school go crazy once they get to college. i've lost track of the number of freshman girls who i have seen booting every which way every weekend because they just threw themselves into the party scene without figuring out their limits first. don't force responsibility upon your daughter, give her some freedom to prove to you that she can be responsible(even after messing up once) on her own. you will have so much more peace of mind in 2 years when she is moving out.
Jeremy, I think maybe you set this kid off, didnt you. Made some smart azz comment about the kids parents and he went all fvcking mental and did away with them. Its your fault isnt it?Here is an article on it.
You should read it to your daughter.
http://www.upstatetoday.com/news/2007/sep/05/unfit-trial/
I probaly said something like,
"Whoever bought you those shoes needs to be shot!"
Crazy people take things so literally.
My wife had told him (sort of jokingly) to never call from jail. When he got busted, he called his best friends parents who called us.
His last stint in jail was a few months ago. His boss decided to bail him out because he is her kitchen manager and she was lost without him. He took noticed of it and has since been in line. He has an awesome work ethic, it just took a little to get him to understand "the law".
I now know how peer pressure can be for some kids. Our daughter will have a lot of freedoms, but will be watched very closely.
While underage drinking is a crime, I believe this is two different circumstances.
Ultimately people of any age could drink and be responsible, and discussion and a bit of freedom is key.
However, stealing is not acceptable in any circumstance, and I am not sure how you can make an allowance.
You might consider shoplifting as part of larger set of "youthful mischief", and possibly it is. One difference however, is responsibility. Having a few (or more than a few) beers with your buddies is one thing. However, if one of them decided to commit a crime (besides underage drinking) and you are a party to it, then you are taking responsibility for his actions as well.
I won't associate myself with people who are committing crimes for very good reason. His daughter has to learn that being involved with the wrong kind of people does bring you down as well.
If I thought you had any idea what she has been through I would consider your advise.
However, she has already been through much more than most kids should ever have to deal with, living in a filthy house with an abusive mother who smoked speed and who knows what else.
I pulled her from the train wreck that was her mother's life.
She is tall, smart, polite and gentle. She has a good conscience and strong moral character. That is no accident. Her biggest problem is the typical low self esteem that many kids struggle with at that age. She is finally learning that she can have friends who are actually more like the rad person she really is.
We are strict but it's not an authoritarian strictness. I was only 21 when she was born. I can remember what being 16 is like. I know I still resent not having some firm guidance when I needed it the most.
She knows that a person needs to realize the consequences of their actions. She accepts this and takes responsibility.
That, my friend, is a cause for celebration. Congrats!
My kid understands this perfectly. We are both dumbfounded at her friend's parents lack of discipline.
EVERY teenager gives the same "parenting advice". You know nothing of strict parents.lthumbsdown:.
H8R et al... you're freaking me out here. Stop it. Tell me good things about kids like how they bring you beers and mow the lawn! I don't know what I am looking forward to more... wiping it's ass or it growing up and being a teenager.
Edit: And H8R, it sounds like you are dealing with thias issue in the best way that one can. From what you say it sounds like your daughter will make it through being a kid and become a damn fine adult despite serious challenges being thrown at her. (Like having a keytar playing drummer for a father. Though I suppose it could be worse, you could be a bass player
)
my dad was very old school...
Hang in there H8R.
We have a 15 year old who should be on a 5 day long end-of-year school band trip this week, but he is staying home because he didn't fully understand the "..get another zero on a homework assignment and you are not going on a trip" rule.
N8's Dad said:
Hang in there H8R.
We have a 15 year old who should be on a 5 day long end-of-year school band trip this week, but he is staying home because he didn't fully understand the "..get another zero on a homework assignment and you are not going on a trip" rule.
Well all the awesome stuff about having kids would be boring, huh?EVERY teenager gives the same "parenting advice". You know nothing of strict parents.
H8R et al... you're freaking me out here. Stop it. Tell me good things about kids like how they bring you beers and mow the lawn! I don't know what I am looking forward to more... wiping it's ass or it growing up and being a teenager.
The diaper thing aint bad at all, so don't sweat it.I don't know what I am looking forward to more... wiping it's ass or it growing up and being a teenager.
Disclaimer: My daughter is a petite one year old. I can't speak for freakishly large children who may defecate profusely.
yep.
my old man was from the Depression & WWII Era when you went to work in 6th grade to help support your family.
Punishment was harsh but fair. Years later one of my best friends told me he'd wished his parents we as strict on him as my folks because he would have been better off as an adult.
You're doing it wrong if you think raising teenagers is easy.
Tough love may not be necessary if she gets it the first time around. From everything I'm reading here, she just may get it. From everything I can read in here, sounds like H8R is doing just fine, and I think his daughter will be OK too.
Sometimes all it takes is "once" for something to sink in, and different choices to be made next time. Tough love is for kids that are borderline incorrigible, are consistently making bad/stupid/dangerous choices, and have no reaction to typical bad consequences.
gg
Not necessarily, tho I can see why you might say that. My son ( hs senior) gave us the double thumbs up the other day, says we are the only parents he knows of that that aren't really messed up. We have rules and responsibilities, ask for accountability;:we are parents, not "buddies" but it's cool that he thinks we are cool.
gg
Last summer my former partner's 19 year old son was driving home at 12:30 AM along a very dark rual two lane highway.
He hit and killed a 2 year old baby and the kid's dog that happend to be in the middle of the road. He had consumed one beer a couple hrs prior to the accident. At the time he didn't know what he's hit so he went home got his dad and when back to the scene. The cops arrested him after be blew a 0.02 on the breath-a-lizer. The accident was unavoidable but because he had that beer and was under 21 he was arrested for DUI.
He hit and killed a 2 year old baby and the kid's dog that happend to be in the middle of the road. He had consumed one beer a couple hrs prior to the accident. At the time he didn't know what he's hit so he went home got his dad and when back to the scene. The cops arrested him after be blew a 0.02 on the breath-a-lizer. The accident was unavoidable but because he had that beer and was under 21 he was arrested for DUI.
Good move...follow up on threats/promises is key. Once they think your threats are empty, you are sunk...We have a 15 year old who should be on a 5 day long end-of-year school band trip this week, but he is staying home because he didn't full understand the "..get another zero on a homework assignment and you are not going on a trip" rule.
Sorry H8R, could not resist giving you more positive rep for this latest example of parental skill and family values. From what I can tell the world would be a better place if more people had parents like you. Which is pretty damn awesome and kind of ironic considering how some confused parents probably feel about the evil influence of your music on their kids, etc.
They repealed the curfew.
ho's gotta eat, too
i'm not trying to say that he is being too strict about the whole stealing part, i too think that stealing is unacceptable. but every post i read from H8R about his daughter makes him seem controlling. sure it may not seem to bad to all of you who look back fondly on how strict your parents were, but do you remember back when you were a teenager how you felt like an adult and yet were still constantly treated like a child? these days, you can't keep a kid in line with fear. so instilling the same exact rules that your parents put in place when you were growing up is going to be ineffective and for the most part will breed distrust once your kid reaches high school. why should a kid be honest with you when they know that they will just get in trouble for it? the oldest kid in a family is always the hardest because parents usually don't know when to give their kid more freedom and begin to treat them as a mature human being instead of as a child. i had to witness this in my own house when my older sister was a freshman and sophomore in high school and i was every so often the target of my sister's pent up rage that stemmed from the distrust between her and my parents. i'm not just pulling **** out of my ass here because i think all parents are fascists.sanjuro said:
are you referring to your generation's parents? then of course most people my age don't know what your definition of "strict" is, it is no longer socially acceptable to beat your kids or threaten violence to keep them in line.
society has changed a good deal since most of the parents here were kids, even over the past 10 years so much has changed. so i don't really get why people are trying to raise their kids the way they did in the 50s and 60s. i'm not saying people just need to let their kids run free and do whatever they want, everyone just needs to realize that these days it is so much more effective to just level with their kids and try and foster a relationship built on trust and mutual respect.
i'm not completely sure why everyone is immediately dismissing my advice, all of the advice that i am giving on being honest and not trying to be a dictator is from my personal experiences. i guess i'm just trying to get across the point that parents don't need to rule with an iron fist or baby/shelter their kids in order for them to turn out ok.
i'm not saying this is the end-all-be-all for raising kids, i just figured i would try and give a different point of view on the subject. trust me, i know all too well what it's like at that age when you are just trying as hard as you can to fit in and your self esteem is in the gutter. i am well aware of how peer pressure can make you cave in when you're that meek, little kid just trying to make some friends. i still haven't completely shaken off the remnants of that stage, so i can say that i can definitely relate to what is happening with H8R's daughter's social life. so many things in my life have gotten so much easier since my parents finally opened up and let me know that i could trust them not to pass judgement or punish me if i needed someone to talk to, i still have so many friends who don't trust their parents because they don't have anyone in their family to talk to without worrying about getting in trouble.
but whatever, i mean i'm just some dumb kid, what the hell do i know about teenagers?
Besides being 19, what credentials do you have to support your theory?
ummm...you may be conflating control w/ protection. as a parent who's been around the way, i'm pretty sure he's giving advise in a tone which competes with the sh1tstorm that is the teenage years.
consider the alternatives: he leave tracts on her bed printed up by the AD council for her to optionally read when she gets home at 9 a.m., he becomes her buddy in hopes of having a peer connection w/ all its influences, or he weeps bitterly at her funeral, bloated w/ regret.
Let me suggest that you print out these posts you've made and save them for when/if you have kids, then re-read them.
It doesn't matter what year it is, good parenting skills are timeless.
my life experiences are what support my theory, even though i may be advocating something that most here don't agree with, that doesn't mean i'm just preaching about the way i was raised. i've gone through everything that i wrote about. it would be quite wrong for everyone to just make the blanket assumption that i had a perfectly happy childhood where i got to run free through the fields with bunnies and rainbows. i may not have experienced being raised by a single parent or being in poverty, i can tell you that there has been no shortage of conflicts within my family or within myself in my lifetime.
Which means you had a normal childhood.
Man those were the good old days.
Sad tale for all involved... Kevin's dad told him hundreds and hundres of times.. DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE. Unfortunately, one beer was the difference between an unavoidable accident and a conviction.
http://www.ktbs.com/news/Driver-who-killed-toddler-pleads-guilty-to-underage-DWI,-leaving-scene-of-accident-5707/
http://www.stormtracker12.com/global/story.asp?s=6824235&ClientType=Printable
It was a rhetorical question.
Look, I know you believe what you say and that's cool, but I think you'll find that most actual parents would disagree with you. For reasons you'll understand when you are one.
What H8r said is VERY TRUE: Good parenting is timeless.
Hey I used to live in Haughton. Said story that is.
yup, and i'm pretty sure that communication is a pretty good parenting skill to have. if you actually read my posts, what i'm trying to say is that your kid needs to really trust you and there needs to be mutual respect for there to be good communication. i guess it just got lost in all of the other **** i wrote. this thread just got me worked up because it brought to the surface a lot of personal issues that i haven't had to deal with in a while. it's not really possible for me to make any sort of a good argument right now due to the levels of emotion and stress(woo finals!) that i am currently battling. i just needed to get some things off my chest somewhere, but this really wasn't the place where i should've tried to air out my dirty laundry.
all of you are right, my advice should really only be taken with a grain of salt. i don't know what it's like to be a parent and i probably never will. it never occurred to me until just now how defensive parents get of how they raise their kids, it must be like a slap in the face to have someone tell you that you are doing it wrong. especially when it's coming from a 19 year old kid who too often thinks he has a good grasp on the situation and needs to toss in his $0.02.
i will leave this thread now so i won't make myself look like a pretentious douchebag anymore than i already have and so i won't turn this thread into a dr. phil episode.
am i correct in assuming you 19 years old?
It's hell to be 19.