[mantispf2000]

Keep in mind as you read this that I'm talking about the mother/brother/sisters of Alaina, so if you reply, please keep it clean.

As many of you can imagine, after losing Alaina, lots of things get magnified, and that could be to my wanting things to go in a very specific way (yes, I've become anal about how things get done and getting things done). Why is it so dang difficult to hold the stepkids accountable for their actions/responsibilities, and why does wifey have such a wall against me in holding them accountable? Do I sit down and talk with them? Encourage them? Not to the level I should, and I feel this is due to the "I want it now" mentality of them, and not "what can I do to for the parents to make things a bit easier". I had to go into the daughters' rooms the other week, and I couldn't see the carpet because of all their crap on the floor. Stepson has still not worked on a truck he bought 3 months ago, and it's still parked in front of our house. His stuff is taking up way too much space in our garage instead of using his storage unit he rents.

I know what many of you will say-- "Grow a pair, continue to be the bad guy, and hold them accountable, or move out". Trouble is, I truly believe in the vows "through thick and thin". How much thinner can it get? Maybe I should just cut my losses and leave. Maybe I should stick around and press my feelings/expectations on them. Or maybe.............

I have left a boatload of details out, however, I feel you get the idea. I'm probably being a whiny Sally, though it does feel better to get this out instead of stewing about it the rest of the day.

Too bad I'm at work, 'cuz a ride would feel really good about now...............

 

[jonKranked]

wait, montashu is your kid?


j/k. not trying to sound insensitive, one of my most valuable coping mechanisms is humor...

 

[jonKranked]

real response:

I feel you. I'm kinda OCD and set in my ways about certain things so I can relate. When I find myself getting agitated and not making progress in a certain situation, I take a deep breath and a step back, and see if there's a better way to approach it. And remember, compromise is a 2 way street.

 

[stosh]

We've just started throwing our kids stuff out. Solves most of the mess problems!

 

[stevew]

When I find myself getting agitated and not making progress in a certain situation, I take a deep breath and a step back, and see if there's a better way to approach it.

i snort drano.

 

[stoney]

I yell, a lot. It generally tends to work. Cutting off the flow of funds, and throwing away important things to them. When my dad made me drop my most prized toys into the red cross drop box, I learned very fast what responsibilty was...

 

[stosh]

I yell, a lot. It generally tends to work. Cutting off the flow of funds, and throwing away important things to them. When my dad made me drop my most prized toys into the red cross drop box, I learned very fast what responsibilty was...

Great example, my sister and I were fighting over a gameboy one day when we were much younger and my mom took it away and gave it to charity.

Never had a dedicated game system since.

 

[TN]

I know the hounds are itching....

 

[mantispf2000]

Thanks for the input/support/replies, gang. I, too, feel that if their stuff was thrown out (or in the case of stepson's truck, towed), it would give them a royal wake-up. However, since I don't know what we/wife bought for them and what they bought with their own money, I'm more inclined to bag it up and let them go through it on our terms (if we have any terms-- haha). If space is an issue, I've even mentioned to wife that I'd be willing to buy another dresser for each of them so they have some extra storage.

I also don't approve of their locking their bedroom doors, older daughter using a keyed lock. I'd love to change those for unlockable knobs, then tell them they'd be changed back when they show responsibility.

I'm just the old-school ker-mudge-in that figures since I'm working full time, and wife works part time, the house needs to be taken care of better, and yes, it's more on her shoulders and she needs to put her foot down from time to time. Like I said, I know I'm not any where near as nurturing as I need to be, and that's my claim to this mess. Yet how can I be expected to change if, as mentioned, there isn't a medium we can agree on and reach??

 

[jonKranked]

how old are the kids?

also, curmudgeon

 

[stosh]

Maybe you should start off with an arrangement like this.

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[DirtMcGirk]

What would Psycho Dad do?

 

[stoney]

If they live in your house, are under 18, and dont pay rent just change the locks.
If they are over 8, tell them best of luck and let them rent an appt.

It's your house, your rules.

 

[KavuRider]

If they live in your house, are under 18, and dont pay rent just change the locks.
If they are over 8, tell them best of luck and let them rent an appt.

It's your house, your rules.

That is pretty much how it worked for me.
My parents never would have let me have a lock on the door when I was a teenager. And I was actually pretty good.

When I was 18, I was out. Funny thing is now my parents are always saying I don't come visit enough

 

[Sghost]

...

I also don't approve of their locking their bedroom doors, older daughter using a keyed lock. I'd love to change those for unlockable knobs, then tell them they'd be changed back when they show responsibility.

Keyed lock? wtf? In YOUR home...kids are brats. Who purchased and installed it? If she did, then you can definitely put her to work fixing some other things.

If they live in your house, are under 18, and dont pay rent just change the locks.
If they are over 8, tell them best of luck and let them rent an appt.

It's your house, your rules.

Wow, you had it pretty harsh I just had to have the door open with girls until I was 10.

 

[TheMontashu]

wait, montashu is your kid?


j/k. not trying to sound insensitive, one of my most valuable coping mechanisms is humor...

Nope!!! I started keeping my room clean probably 2-3 years ago, I'm up to weekly vacuuming, and my broken truck (the one i pulled the motor and tranny out of) was in front of the house for 3 weeks not running.

 

[sanjuro]

Nope!!! I started keeping my room clean probably 2-3 years ago, I'm up to weekly vacuuming, and my broken truck (the one i pulled the motor and tranny out of) was in front of the house for 3 weeks not running.

I have to say TheMontashu is a responsible son. He is just a total douchebag on the street, the way you want it to be.

 

[sanjuro]

I think the problem is that the kids are used to a level of discipline, and there is a gap between reality and that level.

For example, if I forget to pay the bills, the power and my phone turns off. I learned that one many times.

Even living with other people, if I am not nice and respectful, I could see myself out on the street.

Do your stepkids understand this could be a consequence? Probably not.

 

[mantispf2000]

Do your stepkids understand this could be a consequence? Probably not.

Dingdingding!!!! We have a winner. Wife and I have debated (argued) many times that she coddles them. Sure, I can understand her being over-protective after losing Alaina, however, it doesn't teach them any "survival/real world" skills/knowledge of living on their own.

Which leads up to the problem of "our house/our rules". And I know this is a huge communication gap between me, the wife, and the kids. She and I will agree on something, then while I'm at work, it gets "adjusted" to pacify the kids. Why did we discuss and agree on it then? It would give me great satisfaction to "gut" the rooms of stuff, yet to deal with the tirade afterwards, well, you get the idea.

Yep, I need to grow a pair (haha)........

p.s. As for ages, stepson's 22(23 in December), stepdaughters are 21 and 18/this month. Oh, and regarding bill paying, when we first got our family cell phones, and payment was agreed upon, son got torqued when I'd shut his phone off for lack of payment. Hey, you don't pay, you don't play. I'm thinking that consistency has a big part to do with all this, too.

 

[lovebunny]

i never understood staying at home that long . i love my freedom too much. ive been out of the house for 3 years and have matured so much more than people i know who are the same age and still live at home. reality is a good teacher. a parents job is to give a kid all the tools they need to be a successful adult. its up to the kids if they want to use those tools. at 23 i think its more harm than good letting him stay there. he has his own truck, let him sleep in it awhile

 

[jonKranked]

i never understood staying at home that long . i love my freedom too much. ive been out of the house for 3 years and have matured so much more than people i know who are the same age and still live at home. reality is a good teacher. a parents job is to give a kid all the tools they need to be a successful adult. its up to the kids if they want to use those tools. at 23 i think its more harm than good letting him stay there. he has his own truck, let him sleep in it awhile

I'm with lovebunny here. When I graduated high school, I moved away for college. I came home the first summer, and that was it.


Maybe its time you introduce them to the door.

 

[stoney]

Cut them off, or make them pay you market rent. Make the wife get on board and explain the consequences on her kids long-term well being if they do not learn responsibility. It's the only way. When I was cutoff, I burried myself in debt, then reality hit. It was the best thing to ever happen to me.

 

[N8 v2.0]

Sadly, I know from experience the source of your problem isn't so much your step-kids as it is their mother.

The solution has to start with her; anything less and it's just you being a asshole in her's and the kid's eyes.

 

[TheMontashu]

Sadly, I know from experience the source of your problem isn't so much your step-kids as it is their mother.

The solution has to start with her; anything less and it's just you being a asshole in her's and the kid's eyes.

Kids are only going to be held to the lowed of the 2 standards

Cut them off, or make them pay you market rent. Make the wife get on board and explain the consequences on her kids long-term well being if they do not learn responsibility. It's the only way. When I was cutoff, I burried myself in debt, then reality hit. It was the best thing to ever happen to me.

Well at least I know I'm smarter than you at my age. I'm going to be moving out in January with no debts. I might "already" be 21, but unlike you I have savings moving out......



Question, are said kids going to school / have jobs???

 

[daisycutter]

Sadly, I know from experience the source of your problem isn't so much your step-kids as it is their mother.

The solution has to start with her; anything less and it's just you being a asshole in her's and the kid's eyes.

They are your wifes kids. When you said "I do" you agreed to be a second tier parent. Ask yourself why you are the one laying down the law and not your wife. If your wife lets her kids skirt the rules you both agreed on; you have to realize she already made her choice. You are #2 my friend. Live with it or leave.

 

[KavuRider]

i never understood staying at home that long . i love my freedom too much. ive been out of the house for 3 years and have matured so much more than people i know who are the same age and still live at home. reality is a good teacher. a parents job is to give a kid all the tools they need to be a successful adult. its up to the kids if they want to use those tools. at 23 i think its more harm than good letting him stay there. he has his own truck, let him sleep in it awhile

 

[mantispf2000]

They are your wifes kids. When you said "I do" you agreed to be a second tier parent. You are #2 my friend. Live with it or leave.

Yes, the thought of leaving has crossed my mind, however, I do not want to be like my dad and on his 5th marriage. For better or worse........

Question, are said kids going to school / have jobs???

Daughters are going to school (sr. in hs and 3rd yr of college) and working. Son seems to think that once "seasonal" work is done, time for the unemployment checks. Like I was brought up, as long as they're going to school, I don't have a problem with their living here, as long as they follow the rules (I know, at this point, what rules?).

 

[mantispf2000]

Maybe its time you introduce them to the door.

Funny thing is, son is staying with a roommate in Tahoe, though I don't know how long that'll last. Older daughter has signed a lease in Reno, yet she stays here 1/2 the week. What a waste of money as far as I'm concerned.

Cut them off, or make them pay you market rent. Make the wife get on board and explain the consequences on her kids long-term well being if they do not learn responsibility.

Yep, agreed, though easier said than done.

Sadly, I know from experience the source of your problem isn't so much your step-kids as it is their mother.

The solution has to start with her; anything less and it's just you being a asshole in her's and the kid's eyes.

Wife and I have talked, and I've said if we can come to an agreed medium, I wouldn't be such an a$$. She says I'd find something else. Well, if even the bare basics aren't tried, how would we know what works and what doesn't, right?

I know this is all part of being a couple, and believe me, gang, I do appreciate you all taking the time to put in your views. It really does help..............

 

[sanjuro]

Cut them off, or make them pay you market rent. Make the wife get on board and explain the consequences on her kids long-term well being if they do not learn responsibility. It's the only way. When I was cutoff, I burried myself in debt, then reality hit. It was the best thing to ever happen to me.

I would definitely sever their cellphones.

Forget the Credit Score. If they can't pay their own bills, no talkee.

Probably make them get 3G tethering so they can't use your intraweb too.

 

[Red Rabbit]

I moved away from home at 18. Never moved back. Parents paid for my life until I failed out of college. Joined the Air Force at 20 and never looked back. It's been pretty great. I'm almost out of debt, taking college classes, living on my own, being held accountable for my actions.

Maybe your son should look into the military? Your daughter too?

If they're not in college, then I strongly belive the military is the best choice.

My parents would never let me have a locked door. I installed one by myself one weekend and my dad took down my door for a month. Litterally. I had no door. it was awkward.

My room was never OCD clean, but you could walk in it, there was no **** on the floor.

I got rid of 80% of my belongings when I joined. I had way more **** than I needed. it's probably the same for your kids. Tell them to get rid of their ****.

Call that doctor from hoarders.

 

[Red Rabbit]

Older daughter has signed a lease in Reno, yet she stays here 1/2 the week. What a waste of money as far as I'm concerned.

Easy answer. Free food at home

 

[TheMontashu]

Daughters are going to school (sr. in hs and 3rd yr of college) and working. Son seems to think that once "seasonal" work is done, time for the unemployment checks. Like I was brought up, as long as they're going to school, I don't have a problem with their living here, as long as they follow the rules (I know, at this point, what rules?).

If they are going to school and working cut them some slack, you might not be thinking your a hard-ass, but if they are not used to it and they are doing what they need to do, try and cut them some slack (though I don't know how much slack you already are cutting them)

Sounds like he's pretty useless I say ride his ass till he can support himself or is on his way to

 

[TheMontashu]

I moved away from home at 18. Never moved back. Parents paid for my life until I failed out of college. Joined the Air Force at 20 and never looked back. It's been pretty great. I'm almost out of debt, taking college classes, living on my own, being held accountable for my actions.

Maybe your son should look into the military? Your daughter too?

If they're not in college, then I strongly belive the military is the best choice.

My parents would never let me have a locked door. I installed one by myself one weekend and my dad took down my door for a month. Litterally. I had no door. it was awkward.

My room was never OCD clean, but you could walk in it, there was no **** on the floor.

I got rid of 80% of my belongings when I joined. I had way more **** than I needed. it's probably the same for your kids. Tell them to get rid of their ****.

Call that doctor from hoarders.

Dude, I know you're doing well in the military, but you make blanked statements about things that work for you. Like when you said I should sell my V10 and my enduro to build up a bullet for XC and a bullet for DH.........

 

[Red Rabbit]

Dude, I know you're doing well in the military, but you make blanked statements about things that work for you. Like when you said I should sell my V10 and my enduro to build up a bullet for XC and a bullet for DH.........

I'm fairly certain I never said that. I remember telling you to sell your v10 and your enduro to build up a Nomad for DH and Nomad for XC.

If you suck at life join the military. It will make you suck less.

 

[DirtMcGirk]

I sucked at life before the Army.
Its pretty evident I still suck at life after it, I just learned how to shoot things, blow them up and how to patch up people I might have done both of those things to.

But the GI Bill did finance law school.

 

[Red Rabbit]

I just learned how to shoot things, blow them up and how to patch up people I might have done both of those things to.

But the GI Bill did finance law school.

So my argument still stands. You suck less after the military.

 

[X3pilot]

Wife and I have talked, and I've said if we can come to an agreed medium, I wouldn't be such an a$$. She says I'd find something else.

Brother, I'm no psych doctor, but you really need to look deep into that statement she made.

Maybe it's not so much the difference of thought on rules for the step kids but something deeper.

As for the kids, they are of age to support themselves. Under your roof, your rules. This lesson takes them into being responsible renters/citizens/employees, etc.

 

[TheMontashu]

I'm fairly certain I never said that. I remember telling you to sell your v10 and your enduro to build up a Nomad for DH and Nomad for XC.

If you suck at life join the military. It will make you suck less.

Bullet nomad, still a stupid idea.......


Agreed it will make you suck less, but that's not the best choice for every one, you can't make blanket statements like that

 

[jmHill]

yeah you can and should be a little harsh on them. im a 17 year old kid. ive got two jobs, and have made it through a lot of **** pretty unscathed because my parents chew me out when i **** up. you tell them to clean some **** up. its not as hard for them as you might think.

 

[Pesqueeb]

at the mooshoo and Redrabbit giving anyone life advice.