I dunno if simmering is the right word. Festering maybe...
Ridiculous Roommate Wanted Ad
- Thread starter drkenan
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- boredmonkey
Jack really did hit the nail on the head though.
A few months ago, one of our local newspapers did a "Best of Western NC" poll for different businesses. Well, anyone in the public can vote in this pole so obviously the responses are going to be across the board.
The girl in question got insanely furious when Starbucks won 2nd (or maybe even 3rd - I can't remember) best coffee. She was going around yelling about it at a staff meeting and proclaiming that their coffee tastes "burnt."
She also flashed my friend one time when he lived there and said "oops...I forgot I was naked." Not something you'd want to see.
A few months ago, one of our local newspapers did a "Best of Western NC" poll for different businesses. Well, anyone in the public can vote in this pole so obviously the responses are going to be across the board.
The girl in question got insanely furious when Starbucks won 2nd (or maybe even 3rd - I can't remember) best coffee. She was going around yelling about it at a staff meeting and proclaiming that their coffee tastes "burnt."
She also flashed my friend one time when he lived there and said "oops...I forgot I was naked." Not something you'd want to see.
but starbucks coffee DOES taste burnt
Today's missive to your buddy's roommate...
Best one yet.
Haha! What a JOKE.
So I have to pay them just so I can "hang around" and be buddy buddy, listen/put up with their metal grunge music blasting 24/7 and have pot/drugs around only to have the cops bust in one day because they're too careless and got caught like with most hippies because they feel they're not "doing any harm". And on top of that they police what foods you bring into the house.
"Looking for something long term" sounds more like they're looking for a 3 relationship, not a renter.
Yeahhh...NO.
So I have to pay them just so I can "hang around" and be buddy buddy, listen/put up with their metal grunge music blasting 24/7 and have pot/drugs around only to have the cops bust in one day because they're too careless and got caught like with most hippies because they feel they're not "doing any harm". And on top of that they police what foods you bring into the house.
"Looking for something long term" sounds more like they're looking for a 3 relationship, not a renter.
Yeahhh...NO.
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Dirt, in your next email ask her if she would like to meet up at Rosetta's for some Vegan biscuits and gravy and then some American Spirit hand rolled smokes at Malaprops.
Rosetta's is an over the top hippy/gutter punk vegan restaurant that can feltch a rabid goat for all I care. Malaprops, on the other hand, is a very cool coffee house and bookstore.
Rosetta's is an over the top hippy/gutter punk vegan restaurant that can feltch a rabid goat for all I care. Malaprops, on the other hand, is a very cool coffee house and bookstore.
I'm gonna disagree with you on this one. Both places are gutter punk/hippie haunts and both places aren't always the most customer-centric. I have a business relationship with Rosetta's so I know them pretty well and tend to eat there quite a bit. They're food is awesome and lots of non-gutter people hang out there these days.
Fair enough, it has been several years since I've been there. When they opened they most definitely discriminated against anyone who didn't fit their trendy gutter punk/filthy hippy image. And the food was bland and over priced.
two words. Fashion. Filth. Start throwing that phrase around, you'll DEFINITELY get a rise out of them
If I was your buddy, I'd have taken a pound of ground beef over there and stashed small amounts in each sink drain. That way days later, lots of maggots come up out of the drains. And yes, I've actually seen this happen at a kitchen that washed raw meat down a drain, but not thoroughly enough.
I'm kind of at a loss as to what I should do for today's odd email. This crusty frauline has not gotten back to me at all, which is making my inner attention whore sort of starve. Its a lot easier to do this when they feed the monster.
Any suggestions?
Any suggestions?
There was a punk show at Static Age on Monday night. You could pretend that you were there and ask what she looks like, etc. You probably get where I'm going with this.
Kenan, you should call or txt her and say you have a buddy that has been trying to get a hold of her through CL with no response.
1. Tell her you had a dream about her. Keep it fairly harmless. Not the one where you're drowning in sand, just a dream that you moved in and things were great. You're totally sure that things would be just as great in real life if she would just get back to you.
2. Tell her you had another dream and that you think you're falling in love with her. Your Therapist thinks its great news. Hes also excited that you've made some new friends after what happened to the last group.
3. Tell her you're packed, trucks loaded and you're ready to move in. Its lucky because your lizard just bit your current landlord. So what, because hes a jock prick and deserved it. Thats what you get for sneaking up on a sleeping monitor lizard. Check in on the bathroom access situation again.
2. Tell her you had another dream and that you think you're falling in love with her. Your Therapist thinks its great news. Hes also excited that you've made some new friends after what happened to the last group.
3. Tell her you're packed, trucks loaded and you're ready to move in. Its lucky because your lizard just bit your current landlord. So what, because hes a jock prick and deserved it. Thats what you get for sneaking up on a sleeping monitor lizard. Check in on the bathroom access situation again.
Any idea what she looks like? Give me something to work with. I want to put in some sort of "I thought you were really hot, kinda like this Drill Sargent we had back at boot. You two look almost the same from behind, like two fine hams fighting to get out of your BDU's..."
Do this. Or have your friend find a way to get ahold of her. I am all about pushing this for a couple more days.
Should I go all Jonestown on suggestion #2? Maybe talk about how after the Corps I tried to find Jesus, but ended up living with the Zendiks in West Virginia, but it didn't work out too well as they tried to BBQ my lizard, keep my truck, and forced me to have sex with the founder's wife?
This is a great way to kill 30 minutes every day...
Tell her about your laminated poster of Sarah Palin wearing a wolf fur bikini and how you have a special squeegee for it.
Ask her if it would be OK to hang it in the living room because having an audience helps you with impotency and you are willing to work through these issues with the group's support.
Ask her if it would be OK to hang it in the living room because having an audience helps you with impotency and you are willing to work through these issues with the group's support.
ahhhhhh!!!
The suspense is killing me.
The suspense is killing me.
Today's thought...
LMAO - these get better every day.
You need to tell her that a friend of yours with a lizard is trying to get a hold of her via email. This would be a lot better with her replying.
Thing is - I don't talk to her anymore. If she were to find this thread I'd be screwed. I'd love for her to respond but I don't want her to know that I've even seen the ad.
Damn it.
Maybe an email from the VA shrink would light a fire under this scag's rear.
Who can speak psychologist?
I would have guessed that you have had plenty of experience with psychologist.
I've got issues, but I've got even bigger issues dumping out the contents of my head and my soul to some stranger who I don't trust.
Oh hell no, that's my stance. I'd rather be nuttier than a squirrel turd and proud as opposed to under "treatment" and neurotic.
Dick.
Dirt, you are my (And I suspect several others...) new hero and role model. Well, maybe not role model. And perhaps hero is a bit strong...but keep up the good work!
+++ if you can work something in referencing t.s eliot...I just had to write a paper on him and that bastage Prufrock.
+++ if you can work something in referencing t.s eliot...I just had to write a paper on him and that bastage Prufrock.
And psychologists, social workers and "therapists" can kiss my hairy Irish ass too...
Dirt- Tell her that since you have dreads past your butt, you are no longer a slave to the corporate paper industry. And ask her if she will respect your values and not to bring any paper, especially toilet paper, into the house. She will no doubt find your hardcore environmental stance an asset to her home.
Type up an Email from the psychiatrist and I'll throw in some medical lingo and psychological jargon and send it from my E-mail.
Cunt.
Tell her that as a result of wounds sustained in Afghanistan you had to have a few feet of necrotic bowel removed and as a result are forced to wear a colostomy bag. Say that you hope it doesn't get uncomfortable when you wear shorts and it is clearly visible. Also, sometimes the PTSD kicks in and you gave hallucinations of camel spiders (the really big ones you see in pictures) crawling on your leg causing you to smash the colostomy bag in a fit of rage, spraying fecal matter that usually covers everything within a 10 foot radius in a mist, and sometimes nuggets of poo. No big deal though, your diet leads to an easy clean up.
Dirt,
Truly your are an artist at the peak of your form. The letters just keep getting better.
Truly your are an artist at the peak of your form. The letters just keep getting better.
I'm sitting at work right now brain storming with a friend of mine who is just as much of a deviant about where to go next with this email. I'm thinking Satan, George Bush and headless Barbie dolls are going into this missive.
Get some crayons and draw pictures of what you think she looks like. And maybe some of the things you might want to do to or with her. Scan, send, repeat.
I'm pretty sure without going so far over the top, you would have gotten a response and been able to have a lot more fun with this.
These can't get too creepy. They have to be strange as hell, but not creepy and sort of funny to an outside eye.
You start talking about "thinks I want to do to you" as more than a passive idea about sex in the shower, and it takes on a new flavor.
One more email after my obsession with headless barbies and making love to cabbage patch kids I am going to hit her with the flip of the email, the whole equal and fair housing act thing.
You start talking about "thinks I want to do to you" as more than a passive idea about sex in the shower, and it takes on a new flavor.
One more email after my obsession with headless barbies and making love to cabbage patch kids I am going to hit her with the flip of the email, the whole equal and fair housing act thing.
Unfortunatley, this all means nothing if she never answers...
I disagree 100%. This sh1t is golden.